Edward Doesn’t Dazzle Us

This is a guest post we did for professorbeej.com for his “Anti-Twilight” week leading up to the release to “New Moon.”

Originally, we were going to write about the top five things we hate about the whole “Twilight” phenomenon. We were going to poke fun at the inspiration, complain about the abysmal writing and lack of plot, point out how unbelievable and un-relatable the characters are, ponder over the unhealthy relationship between Edward and Bella, and then wrap it all up by bemoaning how “Twilight” has infiltrated every aspect of popular culture.

But, along the way, we realized that, while things like Stephenie Meyer’s eighth-grade writing style and reliance on her trusty Thesaurus bother us to no end, and we continually have the urge to punch Bella in the face, it’s really Edward Cullen that we have the biggest issue with. Every point we made eventually led back to him, and the fact that we cannot comprehend why he’s such a heartthrob.

So we scrapped our original idea, and decided, instead, to take a closer look at Edward and prove why no girl should want to date him, and no guy should strive to be him. Ever.

We’ll point out the obvious first — Edward Cullen is a vampire. He is first attracted to Bella’s blood. Not her looks, or her personality, or her mind — but her blood. It’s bloodlust, folks, in the truest sense of the word. And, let’s be honest: no girl should be okay with her boyfriend wanting to kill and eat her.

But wait! Edward is not your average, coffin-dwelling Stoker variety of vampire, nor the murderous, blood-sucking kind that most other authors choose to write about. No, Edward Cullen is a “vegetarian,” live-among-humans, sparkle-in-the-sunlight-instead-of-exploding kind of vampire. In other words, he’s a pussy vampire. He is not cool, not desirable; he just happens to be really, really pale. Which makes sense, since he’s undead, but since when are dark circles and pasty features (and, in Robert Pattinson’s case, disheveled, dirty-looking hair) a turn on?

It’s probably a poor decision to get involved with any sort of vampire if you’re not also of the vampire breed. But to get all swoony over a wimpy, angsty vampire who only wants you for the stuff coursing through your veins? No. Please refrain.

Edward is also creepy. We don’t care if you don’t eat or sleep — if you creep in through our bedroom windows at night to watch US sleep when we barely know you (or, even if we do know you, for that matter), that does not spell true love. That spells restraining order. Perhaps psychiatric help. It’s certainly not something we would condone, let alone find romantic. And how about that time Edward followed Bella to Port Angeles? Sure, he ended up saving her from potential rapists, but should that really excuse the fact that he was clearly stalking her? At night? Our answer: no.

But Edward gets away with this sort of behavior. Why? Because Bella is so whiny and insecure that she finds herself astounded that someone as “perfect” and “beautiful” as Eddie-kins could possibly want anything to do with a boring old mortal like her. It’s this astonishment, coupled with Bella’s infatuation with having her very own cultured, rich, “dreamy” bloodsucker that leads to the rest of our points.

Edward exploits Bella’s so-called insecurities — inconsistent as they may be — and blatantly takes advantage of her. He may not be able to read her mind, but he sure figures out pretty quickly how to push her buttons. Edward becomes very controlling, very quickly.

It starts out with little things — insisting on driving Bella to and from school, for example — and progresses to more major things, like dictating who she can and can’t be friends with, and deciding where she’ll apply to college. He reads the minds of those around her and uses his sister Alice’s visions to keep tabs on Bella. Because of his super-vampy speed, he’s always there in the nick of time to stop her from doing things he disapproves of. Like remember the time he disabled her truck, a la the nuns from “The Sound of Music” so that she wouldn’t be able to go and see Jacob? Yeah, that’s not okay.

Edward calls his controlling nature being “protective” of Bella. We understand that she’s clumsy and dumb, Edward, but that doesn’t give you the right to completely take over her life in the name of safety. Once she begins dating Edward, Bella starts lying to her parents and blowing off her friends. She and Edward become attached at the hip – totally dependent on one another. At one point, after Bella tells Edward that she loves him, he responds with, “You are my life now.” THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. You should be able to still retain some individuality while in a relationship, no matter how head-over-heels you may think you are.

But Edward is also a little moody, and inconsistent. He plays the whole, “I love you. … But I’m no good for you. … But I love you! … But you should really stay away” card. How is anyone supposed to decipher such mixed messages? He says he only cares about Bella and her safety and happiness. But then what does he do? HE LEAVES HER. He claims, again, that it’s to protect her from his family and their way of life. But, clearly, the girl is way into him. He had to have had at least some inkling of how broken-hearted she’d be. And how overdramatic. Come on, Edward, you’ve been posing as a high school student for the past century. You should understand by now how angsty and irrational teenage girls can be!

Bella, of course, is devastated. Since Edward was her life, she now has nothing else to turn to. She tries to fill the void (those throbbing, raw “holes” in her chest) with Jacob and dangerous activities that will trigger hallucinations about Edward. … This really has nothing to do with Edward being a bad boyfriend (except the fact that he didn’t consider this reaction from Bella before he left), but just shows how dumb Bella is for letting Edward manipulate her like that. Granted, she’s a weak character to begin with, so manipulating her isn’t too difficult. She totally deserves the chest holes.

Edward continues the manipulation once the two make up and get back together at the end of the second book. They become inseparable once again, taking all the same classes and spending every free moment together. Bella is immediately back under Edward’s spell. In fact, SHE’S thankful that he still wants her. … Honey, HE left YOU, remember? Ugh.

Edward becomes especially protective of Bella and her activities (this is where forbidding her to see Jacob comes in), and he starts pressuring her about her future. Bella wants to become a vampire, but Edward won’t hear of it; he’s not even willing to hear her arguments on the topic. Until he realizes that he may be able to coerce her, that is. He tries to bribe her with gifts – expensive gifts – to see things his way. In the end, he compromises – a ring on her finger in exchange for her virginity.

True, it’s usually the other way around (the girl begging for marriage, and the guy begging for some hanky panky), but it doesn’t really matter. The reality of the situation is that Edward uses his charm (those dazzling, topaz eyes and sweet vampy breath), money, and control over Bella to get what he wants.

And what does Bella get in return? Well, she does get sex. But then she also gets a mutant baby that literally tries to rip through her stomach, forcing Edward to turn her into a pasty, sparkly immortal, too. Hmm. Somehow, we think Edward got the better end of the deal.

So, to recap, Edward Cullen an ideal mate does not make. Stop kidding yourselves, pretending that he’s suave and desirable. Did we mention that he SPARKLES? Seriously. Please, girls, find another literary symbol to drool over. Edward Cullen is not worth your time. Or saliva.