Epilogue: An Occasion

Chapter Synopsis

We begin with Bella being helped into Edward’s car in a fancy dress and leg cast. She is wearing one stiletto heel with her leg cast, which means she is obviously not as clumsy as she claims to be. We get the back story that Alice helped Bella get ready, and that Charlie has been angry with Edward since their return to Forks because he blames Edward for the accident.

Charlie gives Ed a ring because, back at the Swan house, Tyler is waiting for Bella to take her to prom. Edward speaks with him and tells him “back off, bastard, Bella is mine.” Bella finally figures out they are going to prom and she starts crying because she is so mad. Edward assures her she’ll have fun because the other Cullens will be there.  Bella finds out that Charlie was in on the plan and continues to be stubborn and emo and acts like a 5-year-old. 

They arrive at the school and Edward takes Bella into the gym, where prom is happening. The Cullens are *gracefully* and *beautifully* dancing in the middle of the floor. Bella continues to bitch, so Edward puts her on top of his feet and they waltz effortlessy together. 

But ALAS! Their night CANNOT be THAT perfect because Jacob Black appears out of nowhere. Jacob approaches them and asks to cut in so he can talk to Bella. Bella notices that this ‘boy’ has grown almost 6 inches since she first met him. They sway awkwardly, and Jacob admits his father paid him $20 to come to the prom and warn Bella against dating the Cullens. He also admits to having a thing for Bella. The message from Billy is that he wants Bella to break up with Edward, please. Bella assures him that Edward was not the cause of the accident in Phoenix but, in fact, saved her life. Jacob tells her that Billy also wants Bella to understand that *air quotes* “We’ll be watching”. Bella chuckles and says ‘thanks.’ but could give two shits less.

The song ends, Jacob leaves, and Edward swoops back in, seeming upset that Jacob called Bella ‘pretty’. The dynamic duo continue to dance as Bella studies the room and its occupants. In a sweet, old fashion, Edward twirls Bella outside and into some some shrubbery where they stare up at the moon together. He explains that he brought her to prom because he doesn’t want her to miss any part of her human life… Bella is not impressed.

Edward wants to know where Bella thought they were going before she figured out they were going to the prom. Embarassed, Bella admits that she thought she was going to a ceremony where he would turn her into a vampire — which is (apparently) a black tie affair. Edward teases her a bit and bends over and kisses her on the throat, the cheeky bastard. THE END

Best Worst Lines

“Would I ever get used to his perfection?” (481)

“‘Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?’ I whispered conspiritorially.” (487)

“It sounded like something from a mafia movie. I laughed out loud.” (492)

(*gasp* PROFANITY)  “‘…butt the hell out.'” (492)

“And he leaned down to press his cold lips, once more, to my throat.” (498)

Things That Really Irk Us

Bella is still dumb, emo, etc. Formal wear for a ‘vampire changing’ ceremony? Really?

For Bella being so clumsy, we’re impressed she can hobble around on one stiletto.

The fact that Bella makes it a point to ask Jacob how tall he is. Why do we care? (6’2″ is the answer, by the way.)

Final Thoughts

Go us for finishing! Unfortunately for Stephenie Meyer, we still think she sucks. Unfortunately for us, lots of people think she is good and, therefore, we must chug along. CHOO CHOO! FOL.

Start in on “New Moon” with us.

19 Responses to “Epilogue: An Occasion”

  1. you know i read the first book and i really wished that i had found this website before i did, because i find this better then the actual thing. Seriously, I wasted my time reading the first one, and barely made it through the second one. (which i don’t know why i read the second one).

  2. We are very sorry to hear that you forged through “Twilight” and “New Moon” all on your own… Very sorry indeed. Don’t bother with the last two; read them along with us here! Haha.

  3. Trust me I will. Seriously I have no clue why people like this crap so much. I only have one other friend and my sister who i know agree with me that all this Twilight stuff is just a bunch of B.S.

    I’ll be happy to stick around and read your reviews on the second one, and read the third and fourth one along with you.

  4. Yet another reason why Jacob is amazing… for now. I likes my men tall. At least Meyer got THAT right. What would be awful was if Edward and Jacob were shorter than Bella… then I would really have had issues… things like that bug me a lot.

    So many terrible things about this book… so little time… why if Charlie hates Edward did he go along with this plot to send his daughter to something she has no interest in doing!!?!?

    I was unaware that not wanting to go to prom was the cool thing to do and that by not going Bella would lose a large part of her human life… seeing as Vamps to it too apparently.

  5. Come on, Morganne, SMeyer is probably still reliving (or making up) her high school prom in her mind. It is clearly the MOST IMPORTANT THING in a girl’s life.

  6. Five year old indeed! My little sister is five years old, and is very mature and doesn’t burst into tears every available second, especially ot over going to a dance.

    Oh and CONGRATS! You officially finished the most horrible and worst-written book in the history of the world! Making everyone laugh along the way.

  7. You brave, brave souls. I am proud of you.

    This was the best use of my time. I really wish I had found this before I’d read that, as stated before, god awful book.

    • Haha, we’re pretty proud of ourselves, too! But very sorry to hear you wasted time on this book.

  8. i hate everything of Twilight

  9. Just want to point out a part that bugs the hell out of me that wasn’t mentioned–Edward forces Bella to go somewhere she doesn’t want to go (to the point where she’s in tears) because he knows best. Um, hello? That’s a major sign of an abusive relationship that girls are now viewing as romantic. Thanks, Stephanie Meyers.

  10. I have to thank you again for this Web site. I finally finished the “Twilight” atrocity last night. Now having read it, I am still mystified as to its popularity. It’s not the worst book I’ve ever read (sadly), but it’s in the top three.

    I was extremely irritated that, after 380 pages of waiting for plot, plot finally arrives, and then we miss the big fight scene because Bimbella passes out.

    And yet, I am compelled to read on, because part of me thinks it can’t possibly get worse, but having read a summary of “Breaking Dawn,” I know it does.

    I’ll be returning to your site when I start “New Moon.” God help me.

    • Good luck! Because, even though you don’t think it can possibly get worse, it does. Trust us.

    • Could you tell us which are the other two books in your top three? I’m surprised that something can be worse than this… thing. Seriously.

  11. Whenever a Twilighter raves about how good it is- this page will be here.

  12. Bella astounds me. She is in “unconditional and irrevocable” love, yet she
    -Does not like people asking about her relationship
    -Does not like calling Edward her boyfrined/fiancee
    -Is repulsed at the idea of getting married
    -CRIES when he takes her to prom! This would have been romentic(if Edward wasn’t so creepy controlling), but she will have no part in it

  13. You guys are Heroes. I love people that exploit well loved crap. Also you guys are very funny, and brightened my miserable day, 😀 Thank You

    • Well, thank YOU Jenna for visiting! We’re glad we were able to brighten up your day!

  14. I never could take Bella’s choice to be a vampire seriously. She’s 17 and she just met this guy. It’s just stupid. If I made a list of the REST of the things in Meyer’s books that I can’t take seriously, the list would go from here to Narnia.

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