23. Monster

Chapter Synopsis

Uh-oh. Is there a Monster At the End of This Book? (Is it really just lovable, furry, Grover? We hope.)

Bella wakes up canoodling with her non-boyfriend werewolf. Eddie-kins walks in and seems pretty pissed, commenting that the ‘space heater’ is no longer needed because it’s warmer outside today. Edward is pissy and Jacob gets all puffed up — there is much growling and hissing while Bella holds the two off in the tiny little tent. Jacob slips back into the bag, pissed since Bella was yammering in her sleep again and he didn’t get much sleep. There is much sexual-innuendoing banter about the evening between vampy and wolfy… most of it about Bella, while she’s standing right there, saying nothing. Jacob storms out to go fight newbie bloodsuckers, annoyed with the entire situation and the awkward, angsty, sexually-tensioned (?) air in the teenie tent.

Now that Jacob is gone and since it’s already cold outside and Eddie-kins  himself is a popsicle, Bella decides a good spoon is not in order. To pass the time until Sam sends for them, they decide to play ‘my ten BEST nights.’ (Oh, we cannot wait for this.) SURPRISE! Edward tells her that ALL of his best nights have happened since he has met BELLA! They are, in order:

  1. Their first night together, when Bella talked in her sleep a lot.
  2. Flying home from Italy.
  3. Night after Italy… when there was more sleeptalking.

(Un) Fortunately, this little game is broken up by a deafening howl of pain outside the tent. The howling cry ends in a sob, and Bella realizes that Jacob is outside listening, and just heard her and Eddie-kins’ exchange about how they will be together forever… because she will be alive forever once she is 90%vampy, 10% emo, and married to her manpire. And… dun, dun, DUUNNN… Edward knew Jacob was right outside the tent the whole time! (Douche.) Jacob runs away.

Bella rants and raves about how she’s a terrible person and treats Jacob like absolute shite (because this is the only incident where this has come to her attention?). Edward apologizes for his douchiness, but Bella reassures him that there’s nothing to be forgiven… it’s all her fault. (Except for that part where Edward knew Jacob was outside the tent and purposely brought up that whole ‘I’m going to marry you, then bite you’ thing to piss him off… yes, your fault, Bella.) Edward leaves to find Jacob and bring him back.

Meanwhile, there is much of stupid Bella wandering around in the cold forest — alone. Seth is watching her (in wolf form) and starts whining. Bella is then reminded that she doesn’t speak wolf, and realizes that she’s fucked with a capital ‘fuck me.’ She sulks back to the tent, where Edward and Jacob are heading at the exact same moment. She apologizes and pleads with Jacob, who accepts her apology, but says they have to be done with one another — hinting at getting himself killed in the fight that’s brewing.

Bella asks him to kiss her, and then to come back after the battle (i.e., don’t die, dummy). She promises that she will stay, and that she will figure out some way for them to ‘be together.’ Stupid wolfboy listens, and there is a sad attempt to describe a ‘passionate’ kiss between the two. Bella can’t pull away, and LOVES the feel of a WARM kiss… And she knows now that she’s in love with Jacob, too. At one point, she imagines their babies. Then Bella cries.

Best Worst Lines

“‘What did I say last night?’ I whispered more quietly than before. He shrugged instead of answering, and I winced.

‘That bad?’

‘Nothing too horrible,’ he sighed.

‘Please tell me.’

‘Mostly you said my name, the same as usual.’

‘That’s not bad,’ I agreed cautiously.

‘Near the end, though, you started mumbling some nonsense about ‘Jacob, my Jacob.” I could hear the pain, even in the whisper. ‘Your Jacob enjoyed that quite a lot.'” (512)   (This is all just very, very awkward and yet rather amusing. “Say MY name, BITCH!” Should fit somewhere in that dialogue.)

“I was like Cathy, like Wuthering Heights, only my options were so much better than hers, neither one evil, neither one weak. And here I sat, crying about it, not doing anything productive to make it right. Just like Cathy.”   (So let me sit and wallow in my self pity. Please. I’m such a bitch. I hate myself. But I WILL NOT change. Nope.)

“Why was that so hard? So very much more difficult than saying goodbye to my other friends, to Angela, to Mike? Why did that hurt? It wasn’t right. That shouldn’t be able to hurt me. I had what I wanted.”   (Yes. She has ONE person to be her ‘companion,’ friend and lover the rest of her life. Who needs friends? Maybe she should have saved herself the holes in her abdomen and the guilt and just bought a vibrator. She could throw it in the fridge for that ‘real vampire’ feel.)

“The ice locked around my heart.”   (Anatomical FAIL.)

“Seth jumped to his feet again suddenly, the hackles on the back of his neck standing up stiffly. I looked around, but saw nothing. If Seth didn’t cut it out, I was going to throw a pinecone at him.”   (And maybe he’ll eat you. Try it.)

Things That Really Irk Us

It’s five letters. It starts with a ‘B’ and ends in an ‘ella’.

We don’t give two shits if Bella is freezing her little ass off. NO boyfriend that is as creepily protective as Eddie-kins would EVER let his girlfriend/fiancé/mortal nuisance spoon with a big, half-naked, werewolf. HINT: It is not romantic to piss the person you love off or to play two men off one another. It’s just plain bitchy.

Bella discovering — during a “steamy” kiss — that she is, in fact, in love with Jacob, too. This is lame, and we don’t believe it. We do not for one minute think there’s any chance that Bella will forsake her Eddie-kins for wolfboy, no matter how cute their babies could be. Bella is too selfish for that. So, instead, she lies to Jake so that she doesn’t have to feel guilty about him commiting suicide in the upcoming battle.

This chapter. It was long, nothing really happened, and most of it took place in a tent.

Final Thoughts

Will someone just die already? JK Rowling, JRR Tolkien and Lian Hearn amongst MANY other writers of sagas (although we do not consider Twilight a saga) killed off at LEAST one character who was important to the plot by now. AND it was someone that the readers liked. SMeyer just keeps the same annoying characters everybody wants to die around to torture us while killing off poor Harry Clearwater (who seemed to have a badass fish fry). WTF? Will anyone ever kick the bucket?

Go to Chapter 24.

10 Responses to “23. Monster”

  1. […] Go read Chapter 23. […]

  2. The game about the “greatest nights” is just stupid… and ridiculous. The kiss was stupid too. Edward is going to read Jake’s mind and be like, “What the hell went on here? Just because I won’t do you, you kiss Jake? WTF?”

    Jake is DUMB, but I like him… sort of…annoying.

  3. I liked the kiss. Meyer can’t describe passion in any shape or form, but the whole thing looked ok to me. After all, there’s a shirtless, hot, handsome guy. Why wouldn’t she want him to… Well, kiss her at least. After all, we all know Bella would do anything for sex (marrying, for example). It’s more logical than Bella liking a cold statue that is in fact, a frozen body of a 17 year old boy. Meyer wants us to be crazy about Edward and his cold lips, but… ugh, it doesn’t work that way.

    However, story (or lack of it) still doesn’t make any sense. So, she loves them both now? Ooooh, she imagines her babies with Jacob! The only thing she could NEVER have with Edward! (Since we all know vampires can’t have babies, Meyer said that a million times! Riiiight?)

  4. this may be my favorite post so far….
    i hate bella

  5. Edward is a creeper, Jacob is a jerk, and Bella is a slutty bitch. I’m not sure why this series is so popular…

  6. Oh god. reading this makes me glad that i threw the towel in after about the first five chapters of twilight (around the point where eddykins became not only a 108 year old dead, sparkling, murderous arsehole, but also a stalker). I didnt know it was humanly possible for Bella to become even more of a stupid bitch, for jacob to be even more unreasonably pathetic about bella, and for edward to be even more of a creepy arsehole. In one chapter smeyer has proved me wrong. I shall never doubt the potential shittyness of smeyers writing ever again. . .

  7. “Will someone just die already?”
    If my lucky star grants me a wish, I want all of the sparklepires and the dumb bitchy human to drop dead on the spot, please. ^^

  8. What is up with each of the characters wanting to kill themselves? And over Bella too! (Except the part when Bella tried to commit suicide by jumping off the cliff) By the way, did you guys hear that a girl in Forks jumped off the same cliff that Bella jumped off of in the hope that Alice would rescue her? It was on the news, and apparently the Yellow Ribbon Teen Suicide Prevention Program is now anti-Twilight (finally)

  9. After taking a brief haitus from Twilight stuff, I’m back in full force and full of disdain for two reasons: 1) I have had more time at work for messing about on blogs, hooray! and 2) the damn Twilight was on Showtime so I watched it. It was supremely awful, like a car accident that you can’t look away from. I wasted an hour or so of my life (I didn’t care enough about it to actually sit and watch the whole thing) and I’m bitter about it. Thank you ladies, for bringing the snark. It’s the only way this stupid story is even remotely palatable. Blegh.

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