3. Big Day

Chapter Synopsis 

In the beginning, there is much gasping and panting (not the kind induced from sexy time, but more like from anxiety). Alice comes to pick Bella up, and tells Bella she’s butt-fuck ugly and that it’ll take all day to make her presentable. But Bella can’t help it — she was having bad dreams last night! As usual, Bella can’t focus on the task at hand, and instead continues to try to piece together Edward’s ‘surprise’ honeymoon. But this is difficult, since Eddie-kins is good at keeping secrets, and Alice packed Bella’s suitcase for her, so as not to give anything away. Alice is just too freakin’ chipper, as usual, as she and Rosalie try to make Bella pretty.

For pages and pages there are mindless details. The kind of details even Tolkien would have scoffed and turned his nose up at, understanding perfectly well that they were pointless. Like how many twinkle lights are lining the driveway. How yummy the whole Cullen house smells (because of course that’s where they’re getting married). How devastatingly beautiful Rosalie looks. And how much time and effort is being put into beautifying Bella. Uggghhhh. Bella almost has a panic attack roughly 14 times.

Renee eventually comes up to greet Bella, and flips a shit when she sees how pretty her daughter is and how dashing Claude looks in his ‘monkey suit.’ (I mean, come on, what else would you expect from a man as classy as Claude?) They get the old, new, borrowed and blue somethings out of the way (including hair combs and Alice’s garter, which Alice slips on Bella’s thigh herself), and then… it’s time. We can hear the TwiMoms sobbing.

There is much hyperventilating and squeeing and wanting to vomit all over the text…YAY! Bella somehow makes it down the stairs without stumbling or puking, with the thought of Edward at the end of the aisle the only thing keeping her going. She’s crying by the time it’s time to say the ‘binding words.’ They say their ‘I do’s, and share a kiss that Bella makes awkward by hanging on for an uncomfortably long time.

Then everyone cheers, cries, and hugs the happy couple. Even Seth has braved the vampies to watch the two lovebirds be united.

Best Worst Lines 

“I wasn’t too stressed about the mystery, but it was strange not knowing where I would be sleeping tomorrow night. Or hopefully not sleeping . . .”   (We get it, Bella: You’re horny and want to get laid. Please stop.)

“She was so beautiful it made me want to cry. What was even the point of dressing up with Rosalie around?”

“Renée had flown in two days ago, and I’d spent every minute I could with her — every minute that I could pry her away from Esme and the decorations, in other words. As far as I could tell, she was having more fun with this than a kid locked inside Disneyland overnight.”

“All I really saw was Edward’s face; it filled my vision and overwhelmed my mind. His eyes were a buttery, burning gold; his perfect face was almost severe with the depth of his emotion. And then, as he met my awed gaze, he broke into a breathtaking smile of exultation.” (48)   (Good Lord, unnecessary description.)

“I touched the cool miracle of his skin, and I was home.” (49)

“He kissed me tenderly, adoringly; I forgot the crowd, the place, the time, the reason… only remembering that he loved me, that he wanted me, that I was his.”

Things That Really Irk Us 

Bella’s “I’m an ugly mortal and everyone else is way hotter than me” complex. We GET it. You’re funky and want to wear a dress that seems like it came out of the 1800s with your Chuck Taylor’s and your ‘plain Jane’ awesomenisity. You just want to get married so you can have sex. It’s pretty obvious throughout this chapter. Congrats on sucking at life. 

Final Thoughts 

Yes, the chapter was short but it was full of unnecessary detail. SMeyer, you never disappoint. And by never, we mean always.  

As for the description of the wedding day process… let’s just say that neither of us were floating on a cloud, but perhaps dreading that our wedding day be ANYTHING like that.

Go to Chapter 4.