6. Distractions

Note: SMeyer actually writes the word “sex” in this chapter!! Gasp.

Chapter Synopsis

Edward keeps Bella “distracted” the next few days doing exotic things on their exotic private island — snorkeling with tropical fish, playing with wild parrots, swimming with porpoises; you know, all the cliché “romantic” things people who are in love do together when one is trying to avoid having sex with the other. But Bella is aware of what’s going on (for once). Edward’s doing all of this on purpose, hoping to tire her out so much that she’ll forget all about that wild ride on his sparkly disco stick.

But Bella’s not ready to give up. She’s had one taste of those thrusting hips of death, and she’s hungry for more. (She also notes that she’s hungry and tired all the time now on the island, which we take as the first sign that she’s got one in the oven.) She takes to wearing some of that “lingere-ish lingere” that Alice packed for her, and begins regularly begging Eddie to bite some more pillows. She ups the ante, too, offering to go to college for one semester as a human if she and Edward can have more sex. He, of course, isn’t taking the bait.

Bella tells Edward she’s been having nightmares every night — nightmares with very vivid colors. And a little, rosy-cheeked, green-eyed boy that the Volturi are after. Edward eventually hums Bella to sleep, but she wakes up that night crying from a vivid dream. But she’s not crying because it was a nightmare. No, she was having good dream about the two of them on a beach, and now she’s crying because she woke up and it wasn’t real. We’re guessing the dream was of the wet variety, because Bella then flings herself at Edward, noting that it’s not out of desire, but out of “need.” Edward pushes her away, and she starts sobbing and begging. And fangboy gives in.

Bella wakes the next morning to find Edward not exactly pleased with her, but not angry, either. He tells her she’s been sleeping for 12 hours, and she feels dizzy and woozy when she sits up. There are no bruises this time, but her lingere and the bed’s headboard did not survive the romp. Bella points out it’s an improvement, and that all they need is practice. Lots more practice.

Bella’s hungry and makes some eggs, and tells Edward she wasn’t joking about the Dartmouth thing — she really does want to stay human a little longer so she can continue playing with his dingaling. While Edward assures her they can stay on the island for a few more weeks, naughty time has to wait, because the cleaning crew is arriving to clean up the newlyweds’ mess.

A little Brazilian couple arrives to clean, and the woman looks really freaked out when she sees Bella. Edward informs wifey that the woman is part Ticuna Indian, and is therefore very superstitious and probably has a pretty good idea of what Edward is. Bella has sex on the mind, as usual, but Edward convinces her that they should probably just watch a movie and wait for the cleaning couple to leave before destroying any more furniture.

Once they’re gone, Bella scarfs down some lunch, and then Edward whisks her away for some more super-happy-fun-time.

Best Worst Lines

“Whenever I tried to talk him into taking it easy with one of the million DVDs under the big-screen plasma TV, he would lure me out of the house with magic words like coral reefs and submerged caves and sea turtles.”   (We weren’t aware “submerged caves” was really such a magic phrase.)

“Instead I clutched my arms around his neck again and locked my mouth with his feverishly. It wasn’t desire at all — it was need, acute to the point of pain.” (107)

“I couldn’t tell if he was moved by the tears trembling in my voice, or if he was unprepared to deal with the suddenness of my attack, or if his need was simply as unbearable in that moment as my own. But whatever the reason, he pulled my lips back to his, surrendering with a groan.” (107)

Things That Really Irk Us

This chapter makes us sick. Clearly this is nothing more than poorly-written personal fantasy. We’ve got the exotic locale, the brand-new marriage, and lots of sex (which, of course, they’ve discovered they can have now!). But none of it is even the least bit juicy. Instead, Bella’s just desperate and whiny, and eventually guilts Edward into giving in to his repressed human desires.

Bella is still fucking annoying. It’s like losing her V-card causes her to do a complete 180. She’s spent the past three books living by her wardrobe of sweatpants and her immediate desire to become a vampire. But, one trip of Edward’s into her bat cave, and she’s changing her tune. She’s putting on sexy lacy bras and garters, and agreeing to go to college for a while. Hell, maybe she’ll even hit 20! Ugh, this really, really irks us. Don’t get us wrong, sex is good — but it’s not “I’m-going-to-completely-change-who-I-am-now-that-I’ve-had-a-dick-up-my-vag” good. Then again, who knows, maybe the sparkly penis has unknown speshul powers…

The “hints” that Bella is preggers. WE GET IT. She’s tired, hungry (mostly for a lot of eggs, it seems), dizzy, etc. Enough, SMeyer. You’re beating it into the ground.

Final Thoughts

So how much longer does this “paradise” last? Please tell us the shit hits the fan soon, because we can’t deal with much more of these pointless, non-sex scenes. Seriously.

Go to Chapter 7.
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14 Responses to “6. Distractions”

  1. […] Chapter 6 is now up! […]

  2. you were right.
    just needed to wait for the next chapters.
    Please tell me this is the worst. >>. *shudder*

  3. Just when you think things can’t get any more pointless or cliché, there’s SMeyer mastur… I mean, proving your wrong.

  4. I’m really glad that I’m not actually reading this chapter. i wouild be so bored… and freaked out LOL.

  5. don’t give up yet…jacob’s part is worse

  6. Oh God, does she really have to beg? How much more pathetic can she get?

  7. Guys, I’m really sorry. I love your blog, and I think you are both very funny, but I can’t read anymore. I just can’t. I think I’ll go read something like The Secret Garden or Oliver Twist to clear my mind… while it’s still there.

    • see, i agree that real writing is a necessary antidote for all things twilight related, but i’m going to keep reading this blog as it expresses my feelings accurately and more hilariously than i ever could. also, i’ve already read the whole series, so there is nothing more that smeyer’s crap can do to me.

      btw, good choices, frances hodgesen burnette is great.

      great blog, guys, keep it up. give me an address and i’ll send you cookies

    • We’re very sad to see you go, Katreah; you’ve been a loyal reader and intelligent commenter. But we can understand. If it weren’t for readers like you, we would have given up on this crap long ago, too.

  8. Balls. I feel like Katreah, but I’ll stick it out for now… but guys, seriously? Alice bought all of Bella’s sex clothes? That is not normal…

  9. Now I have one single question.
    What the hell does Edward want?
    He doesn’t want to have sex with Bella because oh so dangerous. He doesn’t want to turn her into a vampie because damnating her snowflake of a soul. Then what on EARTH is he up to? Gosh, this man is seriously confused.

  10. No straight male in his right mind would deny sex. Come on. An elmo doll could graze his sparkly dick and it would have a reaction.

    “Oh, Edward. Please, Edward! My loins burn for you!”
    “I’m just not in the mood.”

    I only have one possible conclusion:

    EDWARD IS GAY!

  11. Lord knows I wouldn’t want to be Bella’s ultra-human vagina right now: Ed Jr may be junior but smashing headboards is never a good sign. Isn’t she split down the middle already?? She should be shitting her ovaries,instead she gets pregnant. Figures.

  12. *cries at the patheticness of bella*

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