35. Deadline

Chapter Synopsis

Bella is headed into the city to meet with Mr. Scott again and pick up the passports and other forged documents for Jacob and Nessie. All the time, she wonders how she has been able to outsmart the likes of her INCREDIBLY brilliant sparklepire husband. And, of course, with impending doom and a battle to take place in a couple of days, the weather seems a bit cool and it could, in fact, snow.

This is no normal meeting. Oh no. If Bella doesn’t have the brains to get Mr. Scott to give her the documents, she will seduce it out of him in yet ANOTHER satiny, risqué dress. (And it’s an oyster satin cocktail dress — terrible color for her pasty complexion.) As the short transaction of money for goods goes along, Bella discovers that Mr. Scott’s discomfort around her is not because of her beauty or her being a Cullen, but because he is afriad she’s planning to kidnap the little girl he was making the documents for. This is quickly cleared up, and Bella is on her way, snubbing Mr. Scott for dinner.

She gets home to find that ‘normal’ sparklepires (well, we suppose they are real vampires) have taken Alice and Jasper’s cars to hunt far from Forks, so as not to raise any suspicions. Bella finds herself alone in the house, and sneaks into Jasper and Alice’s old room. She takes a little leather backpack that used to belong to Alice, and fills it with the documents, her “sorry-I’m-dead” letters, and a ton of money. It’s light enough that Renesmee can carry it. Then, she sits on their bed and mopes and ponders… like Pooh bear on his log, only less adorable and more brooding and whiny.

She realizes something — if Alice sent her to get fake passports for Renesmee and Jacob, that must mean they escape. Which must mean that Demetri won’t follow them. Which in turn means they can meet up eventually with Alice and Jasper. Bella gets a piece of paper and very deliberately writes “Rio de Janeiro” on it and puts it in the bag. This way, Alice can “see” where to find Nessie and Jake.

Then, she waits. For two whole days the Cullens, Denalis and other vampies wait for the Volturi to arrive in the clearing where Alice had seen them. SURPRISE! It’s the same one where the ‘epic’ battle with Victoria’s newborns went down a year earlier. Over those two days, Bella and Eddie-kins do not say goodbye, but are constantly touching (gross).

Of course, where SMeyer lacks creativity, she simply draws on the old trick of reusing the same terrible set-up she used in an earlier part of the series… So the vampires and Jacob set up tents and camp out, waiting for trouble. Only this time, it’s Renesmee and Jacob who are all snuggly in the tent.

That morning, Bella dresses Renesmee in a sturdy outfit (suitable to ride a giant wolf through a few states) and the black backpack. Who needs cars when you have a wolf pack? There’s some mushy shit between Bella and Renesmee that isn’t even cute since we don’t think they really have a mother-daughter relationship. For SOME reason, Bella chooses this moment to place Aro’s wedding present (a giant diamond necklace) around her neck, hoping that if she sucks up to him enough, he’ll play nice.

The snow continues to fall while bits of light break through the trees and all of the vampire clans prepare themselves. Everyone stands, staring at the woods unknowingly… And then… Edward hisses like a gay snake, signaling that the Volturi have arrived.

Best Worst Lines

“I couldn’t help being a little flattered; I still wasn’t used to being beautiful to everyone rather than just Edward.” (667)   (Hey, young impressionable girls that read this sickly excuse for literature — want to be beautiful? Don’t have money for plastic surgery? Get a vampire to bite you and you’ll go from awkward, freckled ginger with a good sense of humor to pasty, dark-haired, emo, self-absorbed bitch! And it’s all FREE!)

“For one half second, I wondered what it would feel like to put my hand in the fire. What it would feel like when I burned…” (667)   (Dear god — the ‘prettier’ she gets, the dumber she gets.)

“I crossed my fingers that — since it was unlikely that his high school offered Portuguese — Jake had at least taken Spanish as his language elective.”   (Well… he’s on a reservation where, as of 1969, there has been a push for native language revitalization. We’ll give you a few guesses as to WHAT language he took. Then, when you guess wrong, we’ll kill you. Or SMeyer, for her continued lack of research and understanding of anything not Mary Sue.)

“Edward and I had not had a last grand scene of farewell, nor did I plan one. To speak the word was to make it final. It would be the same as typing the words The End on the last page of a manuscript. So we did not say our goodbyes, and we stayed very close to each other, always touching.” (674)

“It seemed hideously ironic that the puzzle pieces would fit together just in time for all of them to be destroyed.” (674)

“I watched from a distance, waiting by the tent for Renesmee to wake. When she did, I helped her dress in the clothes I’d carefully picked out two days before. Clothes that looked frilly and feminine but that were actually sturdy enough to not show any wear — even if a person wore them while riding a giant werewolf through a couple of states.”

Things That Really Irk Us

The Cullens never get speeding tickets. EVER. Destroying Angel seems to get pulled over at least twice a month for stupid stuff, like forgetting to use her turn signal while pulling out of her own damn driveway. But these assholes, in their shiny Volvos with insanely gigantic and fast engines that go up to 120, NEVER get pulled over. Bullshit.

Bella drives home, in the dark, without headlights. How is this responsible? SMeyer should try it sometime and see how her night ends up…

The same set-up as the last epic battle, only THIS time Bella decides to place a diamond wedding present from Aro around her bony neck. Now, this could be the Diamond of Doom that somehow makes Bella vulnerable to all attacks and has some kind of speshul powers. But having ourselves a pair of lovely brains full of creativity and SMeyer having an empty shell full of nothing but wet dreams rated PG, we bet that the diamond reflects light from the sun and blinds the Volturi enough for the other clans to slay them. End of the book. BAM. You’re welcome.

Final Thoughts

The same set-up as the last ‘epic battle.’ Exact, fucking, same. And ya know what else? The good guys will win! We all WANT Eddie-kins and Bella to die and for the Cullens to become recluses and to have the wolf pack go back to being their measly, skinny, terrible-hairline selves. But NO. The good guys will win, Bella and Eddie-kins will forget about their baby, eventually Jacob will bone her and they’ll have their own bastard spawn, and Claude will live happily ever after making porno with his beautiful mustache. Damnit. Can’t everyone just DIE?

Go to Chapter 36.

10 Responses to “35. Deadline”

  1. […] there… almost there… Chapter 35 is up […]

  2. LOL Claude and his porno with his mustache! Made me laugh so hard.

    This book still sucks… where the hell is Captian Planet?

  3. I lost it at “Edward hisses like a gay snake”.

    • The Destroying Angel gets credit for that one. Spider Monkey lost it reading that bit, too.

    • gah! that’s another thing that makes no sense! why would vampies hiss and growl and whatever the hell else? you don’t hear dracula spitting like dying moped.

      • All the vampires in the movies seem to hiss these days. I don’t know what it keeps happening when it is pretty obviously retarded. It is especially dumb here because SMeyer’s sparklepires are really close to regular humans with superpowers, so why would they suddenly hiss when they are mad? I wonder if they ever get mad around mortals and hiss by mistake? It would be like the Bilbo scene from Fellowship of the Ring.

  4. How exactly do Bella and Nessie converse anyway? I can’t even imagine their conversations. What do they talk about? Has she gotten any older?

  5. Edward as a gay snake! 😀 A sparkly, vegetarian gay viper.

  6. gay snake! gay snake! Claude and Edward should make a porno together.

    “The return of the gay snake and mister mustache!”

    It would become the biggest thing on the internet next to 2girls1cup.

    P.S. making a t-shirt with “Dazzle Me This, Mr. Vampire.” on it. Once I have it finished I will take a picture and email it to you guys. I will let my shitty little town know of one of the awesomest sites out there!

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