24. Snap Decision

Chapter Synopsis

We begin the chapter with Bella moping on her sleeping bag, waiting (and hoping) for justice or death or something nasty to come and claim her for what she’s just done with Jacob. Out of nowhere, Eddie-kins returns to stroke her hair and make her feel even worse. Bella informs Edward that Jacob has left the camp to go fight, meanwhile realizing that this means the whole pack now knows about their little snog-fest. Edward, of course, immediately reads Seth’s mind, and winds up chuckling, which confuses Bella.

Edward tells Bella that Jacob played dirty, pulling the whole, “I’ll sacrifice myself for you” card. He also tells her Jacob would have kissed her anyway, whether she’d fallen for it or not. Bella realizes she’s been tricked, but she has no room inside her angsty mind to be angry with Jacob — she can only be disgusted with herself. She can’t understand why Edward doesn’t hate her now. Edward explains that he understands — he left her holey, afterall, so it’s totally his fault that she fell a little bit in love with wolf boy.

Bella can’t comprehend Edward’s behavior — she practically begs him to be mad and yell at her. She wants to suffer. (What else is new?) But Edward won’t allow it. He blames himself, and tells Bella that he only wants her to be happy, even if that means her wanting to be with Jacob. Bella responds to this by swearing (gasp! she can say ‘damnit’??) and telling him to man up and fight back.

She then climbs into Eddie’s lap, begging him to “fight” and make her forget her name. (So, basically we’re back to the sexual frustration?) Bella kisses Ed passionately, and clearly wants to do more. But Ed, being made of strong, vampy moral fiber, restrains Bella as usual. He gives a few reasons for not wanting to get down and dirty in the tent — it’s cold, they’re in a tent, she smells like wet dog, and he doesn’t want Jacob Black to be the reason for their sexy time.

Eventually, we’re finally reminded of the battle about to be raging elsewhere while our two love birds canoodle and talk about sex. Seth is outside the tent howling and whimpering; he’s got his grumpy pants on because, instead of fighting with the rest of his pack, he’s stuck guarding a tent where nothing exciting at all is happening.

Edward is reading someone’s mind (whose, we aren’t sure, though it’s gotta be Seth’s), and he’s explaining that their plan is working flawlessly so far — the newborns have taken the bait, and are reacting exactly as Alice predicted they would. They’ve broken up into two groups. Bella’s trying not to hyperventilate. The fighting begins, and, naturally, we’re only hearing about it third-hand because SMeyer couldn’t possibly write a fight scene. Edward narrates for a sentence or two, but then suddenly there’s an absence of sound. Bella stops breathing — she just KNOWS that something terrible has happened. Who’s been lost?

Suddenly Edward is ripping them out of the tent, and yelling at Seth to “Go!” He whips Bella around so that her back is up against a cliff face, and Bella realizes a couple of things at once — nothing went wrong in the other clearing, no, the danger is here!! And it’s none other than Victoria. Of course. Edward explains that Vicky followed the newborns in — never actually planning to fight — and came across Eddie’s scent in the woods. Knowing that Bella would probably be wherever Edward was, Victoria made the snap decision to follow the scent. And, ding ding ding, we have a winner! Good job, Vicky. Bella is relieved that it isn’t the Volturi after all, because at least Edward can survive an encounter with Victoria.

And then Victoria and one of her newbie toys emerge from the forest. The newbie with Vicky is young and blond with vivid red eyes. But Bella only has eyes for Victoria, with her flowing, fire-engine-red mop of hair and hate-filled eyes. Bella understands the plan — the blond boy will distract Edward, and Victoria will finish Bella; finish her quickly and thoroughly, perhaps ripping her heart out so that Edward can’t save her with his venom.

It’s as Bella is thinking about this (and about how her Eddie-kins will most certainly survive) that Edward begins addressing the newborn, Riley. Edward tells Riley that Victoria is lying to him — that she doesn’t love him, and that she expects (and wants) him to die. This makes the vampy boy hesitate. Victoria gets pissed, and speaks for the first time in a voice that Bella calls “babyish” and unbefitting to her cat-like appearance.

And then suddenly a huge, tan something comes hurtling through the air and attacks Riley — Seth apparently didn’t leave after all. Victoria is livid that her plan is being foiled. Now that Seth has Riley occupied, Edward can protect Bella. Eddie-kins and Victoria start a weird sashaying dance, while Seth systematically rips Riley apart, stony bit by stony bit. Victoria can’t decide if she wants to run away or stay and fight, but Edward taunts her until she decides to go after him.

There’s a lot of circling, and Bella being worried about people getting hurt. They all “dance” around each other, and Edward taunts Vicky some more. It’s all quite boring. They eventually actually begin fighting, but, just as during the training sessions, they move too quickly for Bella to really be able to tell what’s going on. She only notes the “cracking” noises that suggest that someone, at least, is making mistakes.

Meanwhile, Seth and Riley continue fighting, and Riley catches Seth with a well-placed backhand, sending him flying into the cliff. It seems as though Seth is down for the count, and Riley seems ready to go in for the kill. Ed and Vicky are distracted, and Bella decides she HAS to do SOMEthing. So she grabs a shard of stone, and takes nearly a page to pull the arm of her sweater up and get ready to cut herself. Somehow she thinks this “sacrifice” will help her boys. We don’t quite understand her logic.

Victoria hears her gasp just before she lets the blood flow, and Bella thinks she can almost hear Edward’s exasperated sigh. But whatever she actually hears, the momentary distraction gives Edward time enough to send Vicky flying into a tree, and to rip off one of Riley’s arms. This he uses as a weapon against Victoria, sending her crashing into yet another tree. And, lo and behold, Seth really isn’t hurt after all! He jumps back up, rips Riley’s other arm off, and then tackles the vampire. The two roll into the forest, where Seth finishes him off.

Victoria, realizing she’s alone and clearly at risk now, takes off running. But Eddie-kins is too fast; he catches her from behind and rips her head off. It goes bouncing into the trees.

Best Worst Lines

“I LAY FACEDOWN ACROSS THE SLEEPING BAG, WAITING for justice to find me. Maybe an avalanche would bury me here. I wished it would. I never wanted to have to see my face in the mirror again.”

“The sun shattered off Edward’s skin and sent sparkles dancing across Seth’s fur.”

“I’d misunderstood.

Relief — nothing had gone wrong in the clearing.

Horror — the crisis was here.”

“Edward shifted, too, as they closed on each other, and it was lion versus lioness.”

Things That Really Irk Us

How the first half of this chapter is Bella being angsty and horny. She’s all, “I’m so horrible. Just let me SUFFER,” and then throws herself at Edward. Well, yes, we agree that you should suffer, Bella, but we’d prefer your suffering involve real pain, and not just metaphorical holes and sexual frustration.

Edward’s narration of the “battle” going on elsewhere. Boooorrrrriiiiiinnnnnnggggg. We can no has action? Lame.

Bella getting ready to “sacrifice” herself in order to save… someone? We really don’t think this would have worked. Then again, it probably would’ve meant her dying, which in turn would have meant Edward dying. So perhaps we should rethink our stance on this one.

The fact that the fights could have been SO good. But, as usual, SMeyer lacks the skill to make this happen. Admittedly, this fight scene is a far cry better than any she’s yet written — with crunching bones, characters flying into trees and cliffs, and limbs being ripped off — but it’s still not really written in a way that makes it easy to picture. And we know it’ll probably suck in the movie, too. It has the potential to be a kick-ass scene, which, in the “Twilight Saga” world, means it’ll most likely end up laughable and as non-violent as possible.

 Final Thoughts

 Well, someone finally died. But it wasn’t really satisfying, or notable. And we’re willing to bet it will be quickly forgotten about and never mentioned again, despite the fact that Victoria was the closest thing to a villain the series had. It’ll likely be overshadowed by Bella freaking out about putting Edward in danger, followed by mucho canoodling and a sappy ending.

Go to Chapter 25.

20 Responses to “24. Snap Decision”

  1. Sadly, you can no has action. You also can no has plot, character development, or less whineyness from the main character. Fortunately, I can has hilarious commentary because of it!

  2. “[Edward] rips off one of Riley’s arms. This he uses as a weapon against Victoria…”

    LOL. Sounds like a Monty Python sketch. Although I’m sure Smeyer made it all serious and boring.

    Riley: “It’s just a flesh wound!”

    • Hehehehe amazing. Love the Monty Python visual there, if only John Cleese would emerge from the trees. Maybe he could save this travesty of a book?

      • Just before the fight scene, “And now for something completely different.” SEXUAL TENSION IN A TENT! XD XD

      • LOVE IT, Morganne. You just made Spider Monkey laugh aloud at work.

  3. holy fuck that comment about monty python comparisons is made of win.

  4. ahahahah, flesh wound, that’s the best thing in monty python
    victoria to “sacrificial” bella- “what are you going to do, bleed on me?”

    one of my fave reviews so far

  5. HA! We are LOVING all the Monty Python references. You’re all right — these books (and especially movies) would be loads better if only John Cleese and/or Eric Idle were involved. Then again, why would they waste their time on this crap? Other than to mock the shit out of it like we’re doing, of course…

    • Eric Idol would be amazing. Even Grahme Chapman! “Now poor Riley’s dead and never called me mother!”

  6. now if only someone would refer to the newborn army as bringing out your dead…

  7. The Colonel can then appear and shut everything down.

    “Stop that! Giant wolves fighting shiny vampires? No no, shut it all down. This scene has gotten far too silly.”

  8. “I warned you that if you mentioned the holes in your chest again Bella that I’d shut everything down. That’s it. Book’s over. Everybody leave the battlefeild in an orderly fashion. I’ll have no more of this sillyness.”

  9. Hahaha. You guys are awesome.

  10. This was such a boring battle (was that even a battle?), and, once again, Meyer failed to describe anything in a way that make us a) interested and b) able to imagine what’s really going on.

    Oh, and about Bella’s “sacrifice”… I think it was a lame attempt to bring back the story about “third wife” or whatever is called. But Meyer sucks, and it was a really pathetic attempt.

  11. poor Riley, we hardly knew you, being introduced just to die soon after harsh.

  12. Ahaha Mel that’s exactly what I thought when I read it xD

  13. The Monty Python references gave me a great idea for a fanfiction in which Twilight reads like a Monty Python sketch. Emmett even gets mauled by a rabbit. But then again, If I want to write it I’d have to read Twilight again…

    • Hahaha, that would be awesome.

      • Is it bad that I can’t stop thinking about Edward singing The Lumberjack Song during the meadow scene? “See, Bella, I never wanted to be a vampire. I wanted to be… A LUMBERJACK!”
        Now, because of me, none of you can stop thinking about it either.

      • Hahahahaha! “I’m a lumberjack, and I’m okay…” Probably wouldn’t be *dangerous* enough for Bella to be into him, though.

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