7. Nightmare

Chapter Synopsis

Bella is trying not to think. But while she does so, she goes on for a ridiculously long time about some music that Phil gave her that she doesn’t even like. Why should we even care?

When she finally falls asleep, she has a nightmare. All her boys are there — Mike, Edward, and Jacob. In the dream, everyone tells her to run, Edward tries to bite her, and Jacob lunges at him in wolf form. Hmm. Could Meyer possibly be trying her hand at foreboding?

The next morning, Bella fights with her slow modem and does some vampy research. She discovers there are some good vampires out there (Stregoni benefici — or “beef stroganof” if you’re us) who are mortal enemies of all evil vampires. Somehow, we don’t remember that part of the vampire myth… After her research, Bella takes a soggy walk in the woods in order to be (yet again) mopey. Her creepy obsession with Edward goes into full swing, as she realizes she doesn’t care if he’s a vampire or not.

At school on Monday, Bella has to knock it into Mike’s thick skull that Jessica wants in his pants. Edward isn’t in school (the sun’s out again), and Bella is torn apart inside. She goes home and curls up with Jane Austen on a blanket in the yard, and ends up falling asleep, awaking at… you guessed — twilight.

Best Worst Lines

This whole chapter is bad, and so we feel we can’t really discriminate for once.

Things That Really Irk Us

The fact that this chapter exists. It is completely pointless and does nothing to move the plot along. We could have spent the time it took us to read this doing something productive — like picking the lint out of our pockets (or bellybuttons), or watching grass grow, or flicking the photo of Stephenie Meyer that’s inside the back cover of this book.

Final Thoughts

Bella is dumber than we thought.

Go to Chapter 8.

14 Responses to “7. Nightmare”

  1. beef stroganof. That concludes my comment 🙂

  2. i love you guys so much. you are so witty and correct. i’d love to see a spoof of all the books from you guys!

  3. …or flicking the photo of Stephenie Meyer that’s inside the back cover of this book.

    Yes. So much yes.

  4. While researching vampires online, Bella completely misses the obvious. Her computer has a virus.

  5. i am just disgusted that this book dares to speak the name of austen….oh it makes me mad…
    i agree, this chapter is pointless. maybe instead of flick smeyer’s photo in the book, we could all go hunt up the real thing and flick her….right in the center of her forehead…

  6. foreboding?
    i think you mean foreshadowing.

  7. Isn’t strega Italian for witch?

  8. I’m so glad someone else had the “beff stroganof” thought as well!

  9. If i just learned that vampires exist, the first place i’d go wouldn’t be in the woods at night. That’s where the vampires are. DUH!

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