13. Gross

13. Good Thing I’ve Got A Strong Stomach

Chapter Synopsis

Jacob whines about not having gooey-love… of the metaphorical kind. Bella continues to apologize for Jacob and Seth’s current situation. She feels even worse when she finds out that Leah joined Jacob’s “pack, but not really a pack, just three individual wolves hanging out with the same mission” non-pack. This does not make Bella feel any better.

Bella has to drink blood to survive. But it’s just like tomato soup, right? She gets it served up in a white solo cup and a nice sippy straw. Rosalie recommends plugging her nose. (Good one.) But it smells good to Bella and ends up tasting quite yummy too. (Om nom nom nom nom.) Then there is much joke cracking as the dysfunctional family and pup stand around mind reading and laughing jovially.

Bella notices Jakey-poo is tired and the Cullens offer him a bed to sleep in, but the smell is too icky. Just before bed time,  Leah howls because the other pack (well, four of them, at least) is headed their way. It seems they want Jacob back, because he has torn the pack apart — but is it a diversion for some larger attack? Nope. But you can’t have two Alpha dogs, either.

Long story short: Leah, Seth and Jacob are staying on their own since the Elders have decided that they don’t need to go after Bella, since they think that she won’t survive birth. Jacob understands that he cannot be a part of his former pack. Also, Jared reports that the Clearwaters’ mother, Sue, misses her kids. There’s lots of talking and no action, and the two packs agree to call a relative truce. But Jacob and his “pack” realize that after all this nonsense is over, they’ll have to leave La Push, because they can’t rejoin the other pack.

Best Worst Lines

 “And then Carlisle and the psycho in question were there. Carlisle had a white plastic cup in his hand — the kind with a lid and a bendy straw. Oh — not clear; now I got it. Edward didn’t want Bella to have to think about what she was doing any more than necessary. You couldn’t see what was in the cup at all. But I could smell it.”   (Ah, yes. Not being able to see it will definitely trick Bella into thinking she isn’t drinking blood. DEFINITELY.)

“Rosalie put her arm under Bella’s shoulders, supporting her head, too, like you did with a newborn. Blondie was all about the babies.”

“Given Blondie’s new expression, I was surprised she didn’t break into a touchdown dance.”

“Give me a break, Jacob. You can phase in front of me. Despite my best efforts, I’ve seen you naked before — doesn’t do much for me, so no worries.” (259)

“Nudity was an inconvenient but unavoidable part of pack life. We’d all thought nothing of it before Leah came along. Then it got awkward. Leah had average control when it came to her temper — it took her the usual length of time to stop exploding out of her clothes every time she got pissed. We’d all caught a glimpse. And it wasn’t like she wasn’t worth looking at; it was just that it was so not worth it when she caught you thinking about it later.” (259)

Things That Really Irk Us

So, was Bella really served blood in a plastic sippy cup with a bendy straw??

Jacob is grossed out by the drinking of human blood, but continues to stay and watch and bitch in his head about HOW gross it is. If we were witnessing something so disgusting it made us vomit even the tiniest bit in our mouths, we would walk away. Stop trying to make Jake look like a badass.

Talking about nudity in the pack and how everyone thinks Leah is hot, but Leah isn’t turned on by Jacob’s wiener… aka: he calls her on the phone, but she does not touch herself. Now there’s a reason for more TwiMoms and Tweens to be excited about the release of this movie… at least TLautner is 18 now.

Eddie-kins’ angsty pacing and frustrated hair pulling ‘worried’ mannerisms. It’s just annoying and it’s ALL he does chapter after chapter. It’s like he’s stuck in a bad episode of “General Hospital” where the husband is waiting anxiously for 26 episodes for his wife of a year to come out of a coma. Smoke a bowl. Chill the fuck out.

Final Thoughts

This chapter is ridiculously long and only two things happen: 1. Bella drinks blood and loves it. 2. The pack is not going after the Cullens, and Jacob, Seth, and Leah realize they need to leave La Push because they don’t want to rejoin the pack.

Why not use those nice white cups to get a good ol’ game of blood-pong going? Flip cup? Something exciting?

Go to Chapter 14.