16. Paris

Chapter Synopsis

Sadly, Bella Swan does not die in the cold, dark, watery chasm she was dumb enough to dive into. No, no. Nor does dear Eddie-kins save her, but the big, warm wolf-boy, Jacob, does. Bella comes to on the beach shore to find “the pack” watching over her. Jacob picks her up and takes her back to his house, but not before she hears Sam Uley say he’s heading to the hospital. Jacob tells Bella that Harry Clearwater suffered a heart attack that morning, and does not seem to be doing well.

Jacob scolds Bella for being so dumb, and gives her some of his nice, toasty, oversized sweats to change into. The two fall asleep in the living room with Jacob on the floor near Bella. Bella dreams a new dream that is more like a conglomeration of memories: the Phoenix sun, Renee’s face, mirrors… a flame on black water.

When Bella awakes, she’s thinking about Juliet (oh, that little intellectual!), and Jacob is still asleep. Bella takes into consideration how the story of Romeo and Juliet would have changed if Romeo would have left and gone away with Rosaline. Would Juliet have chosen Paris? Bella then draws comparisons between herself and Juliet, Edward and Romeo, and Jacob and Paris (in a very long, drawn-out and annoying way). Closing her eyes again, Bella runs through images of the afternoon in her mind and, once again, ends with the image of fire on the water at La Push. Gumshoe Bella, however, does not put two and two together.

Billy comes home with bad news — Harry has died. He tells Bella it would be best for her to go home to Charlie, and Jacob offers to drive her back in her truck. He is, yet again, shirtless. Bella inquires about how he will get home, and he reminds her he is going to be busy hunting the bloodsucker. Suddenly, something (nothing blunt, unfortunately — just an epiphany) hits Bella — what would life be without Jacob? The thought is terrifying, and she knows she just can’t lead him on anymore, and that she doesn’t just see him as a brother; she wants a claim on him. (But she makes sure to note that she’ll still never love him as much as Edward.)

After much weighing of mental weights and a hug from Jacob, Bella tries to decide whether or not to kiss his bare shoulder (risque, we know). As Bella stands hugging Jacob, Edward’s voice invades her mind and tells her to ‘be happy’ (aww… your own delusion is telling you how to feel!).

But before she can kiss Jacob, he pulls away — he smells a vampire! Poor Jacob is torn between phasing into wolfman and getting Bella away from the evil vampire. He loads them back into Bella’s truck and turns around. But, as always, Bella wants to go TOWARDS the danger. She recognizes Carlizzle’s pretty black Mercedes S55 AMG parked across the road, and begs Jacob to turn around and go back to the possibility of the Cullens being in her house. Needless to say, Jacob is pissed that she wants to go back into the path of danger. He leaves her in the truck with some nasty words, and she drives back to her house and goes inside.

Bella’s heart is racing as she fumbles for a light switch. And as she is wandering through the dark, a gross realization hits her: this is probably Victoria. Jacob told Bella that Victoria jumped into the water, and he was worried she was doubling back. Victoria has flaming red hair — like the flame Bella saw on the water as Jacob was carrying her away! The light flickers on.

Best Worst Lines

“Was I dying again, then? I didn’t like it — this wasn’t as good as the last time.” (364)

“What if there were more to Paris?

What if Paris had been Juliet’s friend? Her very best friend? What if he was the only one she could confide in about the whole devastating thing with Romeo? The one person who really understood her and made her feel halfway human again? What if he was patient and kind? What if he took care of her? What if Juliet knew she couldn’t survive without him? What if he really loved her, and wanted her to be happy?

And… what if she loved Paris? Not like Romeo. Nothing like that, of course. But enough that she wanted him to be happy, too?”   (What if? What if? What if you weren’t such a dumb, emo, whore, Bella? Oh yeah… then this wouldn’t be the “Twilight” saga… fuck.)

“Jacob’s slow, deep breathing was the only sound in the room — like a lullaby hummed to a child, like the whisper of a rocking chair, like the ticking of an old clock when you had nowhere you needed to go… It was the sound of comfort.”   (That’s some intense breathing.)

“It wouldn’t be easy; in fact, it would be downright miserable to give up my hallucinations and try to be a grown-up. But maybe I should do it. And maybe I could. If I had Jacob.”   (Somehow we highly doubt the likelihood of this happening… there are still two more books, after all.)

“Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Even if the love I felt for him was no more than a weak echo of what I was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after my fickle Romeo, would it be so very wrong?” (375)   (Yes, yes it would.)

“But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?”   (Nothing can save your pathetic life, Bella.)

Things That Really Irk Us

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid Bella.

How, yet again, SMeyer tries very hard to make Bella intellectual (or, perhaps to make herself feel more intellectual) by ‘deeply’ analyzing Romeo and Juliet. Maybe there’s a theme here, and Bella and Edward will end up dead in the end. *crosses fingers*

That Bella is all, “I think I love Jacob, and I want him to be happy. But I’ll never love him as much as Edward, nooo.” If SMeyer is really trying to present Jacob as an alternate love interest for Bella, she’s doing a really bad job of it. Because Bella continually reminds us that she will never EVER love anyone as much as Edward.

Why does Jacob never wear a shirt anymore? Oh yeah… rabid fangirls…

Did we mention how stupid Bella is?

Final Thoughts

Please let it be Victoria. Please let it be Victoria.

We feel the entirety of the introduction of the ‘wolf pack’ plot is over now, even though it had SOME potential. But Bella pissed Jacob off with her bloodsucker-lover ways, so we’re sure that it will be left there and we will only hear mention of it once or twice more in the series.

Also, while some readers may consider the idea of stopping at chapter 16 and not diving right into chapter 17 to be blasphemous, we do not feel enough suspense to discover who this ‘visitor’ is. A clear sign of poor writing.

Go to Chapter 17.
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6 Responses to “16. Paris”

  1. If Jake has to be ANYBODY in Romeo and Juliet he would NOT be Paris… Eddie would be both Romeo and Paris… because they are both annoying. If anybody Jake would be Tybalt because Tybalt is awesome. That or Mercutio…

    I can only imagine Billy’s complete irritation throughout this entire book. Charlie is like, “Thank God Bella’s got somebody and doesn’t lurk around the house all the time.” Poor Billy sees Bella completely messing with his son. I really feel bad for him because Jake won’t listen to reason… as much as I like Jake… for his looks haha.

    Honestly I don’t care who’s behind door number one, but I enjoy reading your commentary so much that I shall read on once it is up. This is how I will know when to laugh when I see the movie… not that I’ll need a que.

  2. Post reading this chapter Destroying Angel watched an entire special on the History Channel called “Monsterquest”. AMAZINGLY, they did not find Octopus Giganticus, HOWEVER, they discuss how the areas around Puget Sound and most of Washington are breeding grounds for the Giant Pacific Octopus.

    Why wasn’t Bella’s face sucked off by one of those?! We all know SMeyer does excellent research into her musical stylings, vehicles and mythical creatures. Maybe we will score big in one of the later books when Bella falls in love with a slimy sea creature that sucks her face off.

  3. Yeah. Giant pacific octopus or Jaws. YEAH JAWS! Jaws should’ve got Bella before Jacob could get there. And, this chapter, Edward comes back into heer mind. Hurray, hallicunations. Seems like no (sucky) vampire novel is complete withhout it. So, this chapter was so disgusting it made my hands shake as I wrote (apology for misspelings) But Jawss is a nice to uch,, though.

    • Apparently you haven’t heard of the celluloid gem “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.” Can we drop Bella into that movie and have her die a million ways?

  4. ooooo, i have an idea, what about that Sarllac monster thing from star wars, that digests people super-slowly?i would love to see bella cliff-dive into THAT. talk about holes in your torso, bella. 😉

    btw, i had to look up that star wars thing, i am not an SW mega-nerd like i am with harry potter…lol
    great post

  5. If only I were Shakespeare… then I’d have the right to sue SM. Taking all of her money, mwahahahahaha!!

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