12. Balancing

Chapter Synopsis

Billy and Jacob Black pay Charlie and Bella a visit. They chat about Edward’s shiny silver Volvo, and we get the sense that the Blacks don’t really care for the Cullens. They are served dinner in front of the television by Bella — very classy — and then head back home.

Bella sleeps well. Why we care about this, we aren’t sure. Edward picks her up for school the next morning, and interrogates her about her mother and romantic history (which, of course, she has none of). Bella is upset that Edward is leaving school after lunch with Alice in order to go hunting. But this is necessary, since Edward will be spending the whole next day with Bella, and needs to have those dreamy, butterscotch-golden eyes.

At school, Edward introduces Bella to Rosalie and Alice. They don’t appear to be too fond of her. Boo hoo. Edward makes Bella promise to stay safe in Forks for the evening while he’s gone. Bella decides that Saturday’s trip will be pivotal — she’ll either be eaten, or make it out alive. But at least she’ll know.

That night, Bella tells Charlie a little white lie about her plans for the next day. She claims she’s waiting for more girls to be available before she goes to Seattle, but reassures Charlie that he can still go on his fishing trip; she’ll be fine on her own. Then Bella drugs herself (gasp!), but not before we find out that her classical music tastes go far beyond Dubussy — she also apparently dabbles in Chopin.

She sleeps soundly, drug addict that she is, and hastily gets ready for her fun-filled day with Edward. When Edward picks Bella up, they realize that their outfits match; clearly it’s fate. They begin driving somewhere into the wilderness, and Edward informs Bella that he’s taking her to his favorite spot, but that getting there means they’ll have to do some hiking. Cue insecurities on Bella’s part.

They hike, and the chapter ends with Edward emerging into the “buttery sunshine.”

Best Worst Lines

“I was relieved when it was late enough to be acceptable for bedtime. I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I’d never done before. I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine — the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours. I normally wouldn’t condone that type of behavior in myself, but tomorrow would be complicated enough without me being loopy from sleep deprivation on top of everything else.” (251-252)    (We really feel the need to comment on this one… but somehow can’t find the words. Wow. Just… wow.)

“I woke early, having slept soundly and dreamlessly thanks to my gratuitous drug use.” (252)   (Gratuitous? Really? So what are those three Advil I take whenever I get a bad headache? Overdose?)

“The sun was directly overhead, filling the circle with a haze of buttery sunshine.” (259)   (That’s the only way we like our sunshine — buttery.)

Things That Really Irk Us

The insane amount of detail. Perhaps Stephenie Meyer would like to know that, currently, we are sitting in a small room — not long, but more of a cube-like shape — with pink carpeting. One of us is lying on our back, the other sitting. Both are suffering slightly from food comas, thanks to large plates of pasta and meat sauce. Both are also wearing yellow shirts, but of varying shades of yellow — one more a lemon yellow and the other more of a vanilla pudding color. See, isn’t this boring?

Final Thoughts

We just can’t handle the suspense. Will Edward Cullen explode into a tiny pile of ashes when he steps into that buttery sunlight? A pile of ashes that Bella will then snort like her own personal brand of heroin? We hope so.

Go to Chapter 13.

30 Responses to “12. Balancing”

  1. […] we added Chapters 11, 12, and 13. Definitely check out 13 — it’s really our pride and joy at this juncture. […]

  2. what the hell. she really calls taking a little cold-med drug use?! come onnnn.

  3. I just have to say I lol’d for like 15 minutes at “buttery sunshine”. Oh Mrs. Meyer, why did you decide to write a book?

  4. We are constantly wondering the same thing, Adella.

  5. with the buttery sunshine bit, when i was reading the book andit said that, i just had this funny visual of the air being somehow yellow.. like it was filled with some form of toxic gas. seriously, how is sunshine buttery??

  6. I think she takes the time to carefully taste the air when she enters a new environment. And at this time… it tasted buttery. And also… there was sunshine. Equals buttery sunshine.

  7. I read this book already, but I enjoy your commentaries. Since when is unnecessary cold medicine “gratuitous drug use”? The stuff my brother does is gratuitous drug use. (I’m kinda worried about him.) Sometimes I take unnecessary allergy/cold medicine, but that’s because I actually have mild/moderate insomnia sometimes and I don’t want to take Ambien because that would probably cause me to commit grand theft auto while asleep.

    Anyways, when I felt bad about my writing skills while taking ENG 105 this summer, I read Twilight a bit to gain self-confidence. I think I helped a little because I got an “A”. Plus, Meyer’s book showed me how not to write.

    P.S. Did anyone else suddenly have a craving for popcorn with lots of butter after reading about the “buttery sunshine.” LOL.

  8. So I just read your final thoughts on this chapter and i started laughing. It was so funny. Seriously Vampires do not glitter, he should have turned to a pile of ashes under that “buttery sunshine”

  9. Your Things That Irk you have me dying… The description… Haha.

    About the buttery sunshine… I like mine buttery too… or is that how I like my toast????

  10. The buttery sunshine will always be dear to our hearts.

  11. buttery sunshine…the perfect popcorn condiment.

  12. Hasn’t she ever heard of sleeping pills?

  13. HILARIOUS!!!

  14. I would love Bella to snort Ed’s ashes. Just imagine the trip you’d get off that….

  15. I would like to add that you can’t snort heroine without overdosing. So Bella..go for it. Oh and if cold medicine is gratuitous what would Meyer call snorting a vampire?

  16. “(We really feel the need to comment on this one… but somehow can’t find the words. Wow. Just… wow.)”

    Don’t you mean, OOOH-WAHH-OHHH. Just… OOOH-WAHH-OHHH

  17. wow, now that I’m halfway done I am soooo glad I never bothered to read the books. Thanks for this, i really REALLY appreciate it. I will stop for now, but I will read the whole thing. this way those twifreaks can shut up about how i’ve “never read the books”


  18. This one was hilarious xD Bella snorting up Edward… just priceless. LMAO ILY 😀

  19. Since Meyer is so into detail, is this sunshine the spray butter, stick butter, or is it the I can’t believe it’s not butter? Which is probably what she thinks everytime she steps out into the sun.

  20. Funniest final thoughts yet, I really don’t understand how anyone takes her seriously, why more fan fiction isn’t turned into million dollar franchises I’ll never know…

    • Yeah, you’ve hit a good point — the fact that people take these books so seriously. We could forgive people who like the books purely for entertainment purposes if they would also admit how ridiculous and dumb they are. We can understand reading crappy writing (take really bad romance novels, for example) for escapist reasons. We all like to get away and not think every now and then, and sometimes frivolous books can do that. But Twilight fans get so involved with the books; so emotionally attached to these bad characters and unhealthy relationships, that we just simply can’t support them at all.

  21. icantbelieveitsnotglitter

  22. At this point in the book I was praying for Buffy or Spike to pop up and stake Edward’s ass and who knows maybe Spike will be hungry when he runs into Bella

  23. er…guess this woman never read Writing 101 and how the road to hell is paved with adverts? My fave is BUTTERY because yeah, that’s what I think of when I look at the sun: butter (of course!)

  24. A pile of ashes that Bella will then snort like her own personal brand of heroin? I think I’m in love with this sentence. There are so many funny references here.

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