1. First Sight

(Note: We decided to skip the Preface, because it’s just too dumb to even write anything intelligent about.)

Chapter Synopsis

Bella, a self-proclaimed klutz (we say self-proclaimed because we don’t quite see it ourselves yet), arrives in Forks, Washington, to live with her dad (whom she only refers to as Charlie) when her mom goes on the road with Bella’s baseball-playing stepdad, Phil.

Bella attends her first wet, soggy day of school, complains about its small size, and then promptly gets lost on her way to the office. (Hmm.) 

It’s at lunch that day that Bella sees them – THE CULLENS!!! The beautiful, perfect Cullens. Later, in biology, Bella has to sit by none other than Edward Cullen, and she gets the distinct feelng that he does not like her… or that perhaps her deodorant isn’t working well in the humid Forks weather. Cue angsty teen insecurities.

Best Worst Line

“My carry-on item was a parka.” (3)

Things That Really Irk Us

Though it may be more obvious in the film adaptation, Edward is clearly jizzing in his pants when Bella walks into Biology that day. (“Suddenly rigid in his seat” is and understatement.)

We understand angsty teens are on a hormone-induced crazy train, but the contradictory descriptions throughout the entirety of this book begin in this chapter. (ie: “He turned slowly to glare at me — his face was absurdly handsome — with piercing, hate-filled eyes.” [27]  Typically, you don’t find people who glare at you to be beautiful… ah, well.)

Bella is already annoying us, too. She whines a lot, and tries to make us as readers feel sorry for her. “Oh, I’m so clumsy and awkward and unattractive.” Shut up, Bella. Everyone is fawning all over you, and you like it.

Final Thoughts

It can’t get much worse than this, right?

Go to Chapter Two.
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25 Responses to “1. First Sight”

  1. I hate her so much.

  2. I just love this site and i completely agree with what you just said.
    Reading your Synopsis is way better than the actual twilight series.
    Keep it up.

  3. Thanks for the compliment, Anna! Although, in all seriousness, it’s probably not too difficult to write something better than the Twilight series…

  4. While that’s true that it isn’t difficult I still like to rate my own book as better than Twilight. While it’s not saying MUCH it’s still saying something. And that’s better than nothing I think.

  5. Loool! So true! I love this blog already and I just discovered it today! I totally agree. Bella is the most Mary-Sue character anyone could have come up with.

    I cannot wait to see what else you have to say! 😉

  6. lols, this is hilarious. it’s so am..how do you say… relieving to see someone experienced the same feelings i did. i felt like stabbing the book when i was reading it. I absolutely hate bella she is sooo annoying.

  7. Hate Twilight, Love this sight!

  8. “klutz”

  9. Heey! I LOVE you guys!

    GREAT site! I support you!

  10. Haha! Your synopsis is absolutely trueee =D I know that some teens are insecure but practically EVERYONE (except us, of course) loves Bella! Hate her! She’s a Mary-Sue 😐
    LOVE your site 😉

  11. go to hell twilight rocks assholes

  12. S. Mayer has pretty much ruined my life. Okay i’m being drama i guess, but seriously. I used to love vampires. A. Rice is my favourite writer. Vampires used to be awesome, scary, something to be afraid of. Now anyone mentiones vampires there are suddenly hords of twihards surrounding you, shouting “fuck me Edward” or whatever. There are Twilight fans at MUSE concerts, wearing team-Edward shirts, looking all wtf?. I mean yup, wtf are you doing here. Twilight fans at goddamn Joan Jett concerts only because Kristen Pathetic Stewart is playing Jett in Runaways movie. I went to book store the other day and saw Wuthering Heights with a tag “Edward and Bella’s favourite book” on the cover. How disgusting? Anne of Green Gables is out too. And god, this phenomen wouldn’t bother me at all if it was a good book, damn bearable at least. It isn’t ! It is a very GOOD examlpe of a VERY BAD literature. And no, Twilight doesn’t rock. If i was a Twilight fan i would be ashamed to admit it because liking it isn’t something to be proud of. It shows your IQ, sorry, for me at least. If you introduce yourself and the second sentence you say is “I like Twilight” we are over before it even starts. People used to read Harry Potter and be intelligent (Ok, not that but they didn’t use to be so desperate at leats). I’m not a big fan of Harry Potter neithe but more the Twilight i get the more i like HP. I’m just so fed up with this sh*t! I can’t read good gossip anymore (of course i read gossip, who doesn’t.) Okay yup i USED to read gossip because these days they feature only the latest Robsten news oh-happy-days-who-cares. I can’t use google anymore, apparently everything is somehow related to Twilight. There’s so much Twilight everywhere, it is taking over the world. And this obsession itself is far from normal. There have been people hospitalized because Edward is so perfect (Doesn’t make sense, i know). He doesn’t even exist god damn it !!!! Also Twilight itself and it fans make me cuss. Not a good thing.

    I am not going to re read this comment before i post it, i don’t even know why did i make it so long. The thing what i wanted to say was good luck with that site, it is a very good one and you might want to concired making a twitter it would be easier to keep and eye on you updates that way. I support 100% (:

    Team Lestat 4ever.

  13. What kind I say…
    Great idea for a blog. Been reading vampire fiction since I was a kid. The sucess of Twilight TRULY boggles my mind because it is such badly written literature and what can I say than to quote one of the best American writers ever: Stephen King who said “Meyer can’t write worth a darn”….indeed Mr King…

  14. Yes, I’ve read the books. and while there are things in them I like, overall the story annoys me to no end – throughout the series all we read is how perfect Edward is (really? perfect? he’s a freaking vampire who doesn’t even suck human blood). Bella was doing a tap dance number on my brain all the time. The best book for me was the second one when Edward leaves *sweet* – I know people who actually skipped a good chunk of the book to the part where E. returns. honestly. And I totally agree with Em – you want vampire fiction, read Anne Rice – she RULES!!! none of this Twilight, True Blood nonsense. The world has gone mad, you can’t step into a bookstore without walking smack into them (vampire books I mean).
    This site is awesome, captures the true essence of the books (if there is any). Keep it up 😉

  15. You know, I used to read this site, was into well into the third book and actively visiting the site to read the new chapters. But then I had to reset my computer and I forgot the page! 😦

    A few days ago I was like what the hell – I’m gonna give these twilight books another shot, maybe something got to me or maybe it was the Harry Potter/Twilight wars that had me hate Twilight. (I’m an avid fan of Harry Potter, JK Rowling for the win) 8 chapters into it had me decide that just as Twilight itself is a waste of paper, me reading it was a waste of time, I’m just going to re-read all the synopsis (synopsises?)(synopsii?)(-.-!) here and save time AND read things that don’t make me wanna claw my eyes out.

    P.S.: “Wanna read a book that will blow your mind? Read Twilight, you’ll start reading and then shoot yourself in the face”

    • I forgot the point of my comment! I spent about an hour on Google trying to make my way back to this site by searching up random excerpts that I remembered from the site! You guys are awesome! Are you guys planning to – ahem – “review” midnight sun when it comes out?

      • Well we’re glad you found your way back!

        We’ve been majorly slacking after finishing Breaking Dawn, and haven’t really made anymore headway into SMeyer’s “universe.” So we can’t promise anything!

      • I’m glad too! 🙂

        I think you guys definitely should review the last 3 books. I can’t believe SMeyer is stretching out Twilight to 7 books. 7 is familiar isn’t it?

        I have no idea what this “universe” is but I do not even feel inclined to look it up ATM. I AM really happy though, that you guys finished all of the books because now I can read as much as I please until I finish. 😀

        Again, you guys are wicked awesome and I love your site.

      • When you say 7th book, do you mean the official guide? I am still confused as to what could be in it. Come on. How can you have a guide for a series with no plot. Think you guys could review it?

  16. wow! all i can say is wow! i mean i love twilight but i h8 bella some 1 needs to kill tht slut i think hobbos r smarter than her i think some 1 hit her upside her head with a rock .SHE SO STUPID SHE THRREW A ROCK AT THE GROUND AND MISSED -.- and that says alot :p lol i love this though ! ive even booked marked it just to keep me entertained and ofcourse i will be showing many others this well because its awesome 😀 i used to luv vampires but sparkling vampires eriously i think s meyers had a 5 year old fairy lover help her write this bok
    ! wats so scary about a sparkling vampire whet are you going to do sparkle me to death !?!?!?!!?!?

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