27. Needs

Chapter Synopsis 

Need #1: SMeyer to stop writing. Need #2: If it doesn’t end, Bella must die. Need #3: If Bella doesn’t die, there needs to be SOME kind of plot formation. For the love of God.  

Bella is crushed post-Jacob visit and is realizing that she loves him and wants warm fuzzies instead of the cold, wet clammies. Eddie-kins shows up to drive her home, where Claude eagerly awaits her return. Edward hides in her room while she explains to Claude what went down. Of course, Claude is not excited that she is going to be bangin’ Eddie-kins instead of his bffers’ son.

Bella goes to her room and cries in Edward’s arms while going on and on in some inner-monologue about how much she sucks. We concur. This time, instead of the gaping hole in her abdomen, she has an aching hole in her heart that will NEVER heal… blah… blah… blah… whine… whine… whine…

Edward, the genius that he is, thinks that PERHAPS she made the wrong choice, since she was SO hurt by it all. She pulls out Wuthering Heights and reads some sappy passages about Cathy and Heathcliffe in order to prove to Ed that he’s her one-and-only. Then the pair set out to see Alice and make wedding preparations.

SURPRISE! Bella’s dress is designed by some French designer because it’s cool and different. Of course, it’s all very ‘1918- Anne of Green Gables’ with vintage lace and a veil… Alice is happy and does a little dance away to continue planning the wedding.

Our lovebirds decide to hit up the meadow for some fun ‘sparkle in the sun’ time. Bella admits to Eddie-kins that the only reason she is allowing Alice free reign with the wedding is to give Claude the proper ‘goodbye’ he wanted, and what better way than to see his daughter marry someone he hates? WAY TO GO BELLA! Eddie-kins is disturbed that she is going through with all of this pomp and circumstance in order to make everyone else happy, and calls off the entire wedding. He can make her happy by changing her tonight — why wait for marriage? Then he tells her he ‘wants’ her, and they make out. As they are getting hot and heavy, Bella finds her conscience and decides she cannot lose her virginity in the meadow where she first realized she loved Edward — it’s FAR too cliché. Plus, she cares too much about everyone else for that kind of self-centered behavior (riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight). The two decide to stick to the plan and take the big step to tell Claude. 

Best Worst Lines 

“Edward said little; he just held me on the bed and let me ruin his shirt, staining it with salt water.” 

“I shook my head. ‘You don’t understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me, if that’s what’s best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It’s the only way I can live.’” (610)

“The meadow was a peaceful, happy place today. Patches of summer daisies interrupted the grass with splashes of white and yellow. I lay back, ignoring the slight dampness of the ground, and looked for pictures in the clouds. They were too even, too smooth. No pictures, just a soft, gray blanket.” 

Things That Really Irk Us 

The characters. The lack of character development. The predictability of Edward and Bella: conflict; one gives in to the other; the other gives in to what the other one originally intended; everything is just rainbows and puppies. 

That Bella ALMOST lost her V-card in the meadow where she first fell in love with Edward’s sparkling skin. W-O-W (that was with 3 syllables, folks).  

The fact that this book ended in a spot that, in any well-written novel, would be considered climactic. But this just made us go, ‘Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. About that’. Perhaps Claude really will be waiting up for Bella and Eddie-kins with a shotgun on the front porch. Bring a little Appalachia to Forks.

Final Thoughts 

 Still no sex. Still a freakish and unrealistic love affair. Still stupid. Book 3 out of 4. The chances that we will EVER find ANYTHING good to say about this book: HIGHLY unlikely. 

Go to the Epilogue.