1. Ultimatum

Chapter Synopsis

The chapter opens with a note from Jacob to Bella. The general gist of the note is that Bella is a bitch and is a dumb one for not understanding how she has hurt Jacob and doesn’t understand why they cannot be friends. The two have not been in contact since Alice and the other Cullens’ return, but they have been passing notes through their hip fathers — Claude and Bill. Bella is hurt, hurt badly. Jacob’s pain is worse than her own… and her own pain once literally made her feel as if she were ripped in two about the midsection, so this pain must be a real bitch.

Claude is trying to make dinner because he wants to strike up a bargain with Bella and feels that burning some canned sauce would be better than having her make something edible. Fail, Claude, who has put the sauce (tin lid and all) in the microwave, nearly catching the house on fire.

Bella makes reference to Eddie-kins being her fiancé — though it is only in her head, where most of her conversations seem to happen. We learn that the wolves have sort of dissipated on their own, but Jacob let Claude in on the little motorcycle secret so as to get Bella grounded and keep her away from Edward. However, Bella does have Claude’s testiclides on a very short leash, and she has been allowed to see Edward whilst grounded.

Claude and Bella chat about random things, dodging any serious conversation and making our lives worse in doing so. Bella starts to pick up where she left off in Wuthering Heights (ohhhh….a classic), and then she and Claude talk about what’s really bugging him — her relationship (or lack thereof) with Jacob. As it turns out, he’s depressed too, almost the same amount that Bella was when Edward left her.  Claude is worried because Bella doesn’t seem to have any friends anymore — all she does is spend her time with Eddie-kins, and Charlie is really bothered by this.

Her grounding is moved to a ‘paroled’ status, on the condition that she tries to be social with people other than Edward. As it turns out, her only other friends are Alice, Angela, Angela’s boyfriend Ben, and Mike Newton; everyone else is sick of her shit and ignores her (points for them!). Bella tries to explain why she cannot befriend Jacob without getting into the hairy, fangy details.

We also discover Bella has been accepted to college — The University of Alaska Southeast. Wow, bet that was a tough one.

Enter Eddie-kins. Edward has an exciting evening full of filling out college applications planned for the lovely pair. Claude remains unimpressed and disgusted with the douchebaggery of Edward Cullen — physique and face of a male model, mysterious attitude and sparkly skin aside. The trio banter a bit and Eddie-kins discovers Bella’s on parole, which excites him because now she can go shopping in the city with Alice. But… dun dun dunnnn… there have been a ton of “animal attacks” in Seattle, and Claude says “nay, dear children, nay.” Eddie agrees and says they were planning on Portland anywho, and Claude says “okie dokie.” Once Charlie leaves the room, commence discussion about these “animal attacks” being VAMPIRE attacks — obviously freshly-turned vampires that lack any and all stealth when it comes to the killing of humans. Silly baby vampys.

Edward tries to coax Bella into applying to Dartmouth and all the nifty Ivy League schools he got into (we hope he did; he’s had over 80 years of high school and preparation for the SAT and ACT, good LORD), and Bella whines about not wanting to apply because she’s too stupid (this, is a fact; she completely lacks logic). But Eddie just forges her stuff anyway. He also tries to convince her to wait a bit longer before he turns her — perhaps a few semesters of college or something.

The couple touch on Bella’s need to talk to Jacob, and Edward won’t have any of it, putting his foot down and telling her she is not allowed to see him or his kind (already soooooooooooooooo controlling — but it’s okay because she loves him). They rehash September and her pain and Edward being an asshole for a bit, so that Eddie-kins can better understand what Bella is putting Jacob through right now. But Edward doesn’t care. Bella decides she is going to go ahead and see him anyway and just won’t tell Edward about it.

Best Worst Lines

“What was surprising was how much each crossed-out line wounded me — as if the points of the letters had cutting edges. More than that, behind each angry beginning lurked a vast pool of hurt; Jacob’s pain cut me deeper than my own.”

“The word boyfriend had me chewing on the inside of my cheek with a familiar tension while I stirred. It wasn’t the right word, not at all. I needed something more expressive of eternal commitment. . . . But words like destiny and fate sounded hokey when you used them in casual conversation.

Edward had another word in mind, and that word was the source of the tension I felt. It put my teeth on edge just to think it to myself.

Fiancée. Ugh. I shuddered away from the thought.” (6)

“It was against the rules for normal people — human people like me and Charlie — to know about the clandestine world full of myths and monsters that existed secretly around us.” (13)   (Right, because other people clearly can’t be human…)

“I wrenched the door out of my way — ridiculously eager — and there he was, my personal miracle.” (17)

“He was silent for a moment, staring out the window into the rain; I imagined he was contemplating the fact that his family’s presence was turning the locals into giant dogs.”

“He had only been trying to save me when he’d left, trying to save my soul.”   (How very thoughtful.)

Things Things That Really Irk Us

This entire chapter is pointless. The useless details about college, the father-daughter chat that led to Bella continuing to shorten Claude’s chain. Wow.

Bella still referring to Edward as being this sexy male model and being aghast that he is HERS. OMG! Like, really? You’re my bf? WOW!

Jacob… please, please grow a pair. You can do so much better than pasty, emo, vampy-wannabes.

Claude — be a MAN. Good lord, Edward is more of a man than you are and he’s a ‘teenager.’ One who has never fathered a child, but he’s more of a male figure to Bella than you are. Which is equally disturbing as SMeyer probably purposely wrote his character to be that way as to include some sort of Oedipal complex in this deep, riveting plot.

Final Thoughts

This chapter could have been summed up in 10 pages or less. Instead, it was 20. Nobody cares about the long discussion about college and your future when you aren’t going to have any of it. We all know you don’t have friends and SMeyer doesn’t need to make us try to feel depressed by introducting a newly manic-depressive character. Really? Must it always be dark angsty teenage love-hate-sexual-tension with animalistic male companions? UGH!

And Claude is still a pussy. Claude and Billy are obviously going to turn out to be gay lovers and Jacob will whither away and die while Bella and Edward hang on for the day they can have a fuck fest. Greeeaaaaat.

When do we find out why Billy is in a freaking wheelchair, especially since we discovered in the last book he actually can stand…?

Go to Chapter 2.

17 Responses to “1. Ultimatum”

  1. […] have the first two chapters for you here and […]

  2. The whole Claude thing still cracks me up, I can’t even tell you.

    WOW… and it begins… With each chapter you review the more I realize I am right to hate this series as much as I do. I always had those moments of, “It can’t be that bad.” Then I read this, “Oh yes it can.”

  3. wait… Billy can’t stand? O.O How could I have missed that!

  4. It’s so sad… Sugar magazine voted the Twilight series as the best books ever. They beat Pride and Prejudice and some other GOOD books.

    • Seriously? That depresses us.

    • THAT SERIOUSLY PISSES ME OFF. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE IS MY FAVORITE BOOK. IT’S REAL LITERATURE AND HOLY SHIT, I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

      frick. i am honestly pissed. in case you couldn’t tell.
      ugh. i’m sorry. i just… that damages my hope for the human race

  5. Sad and pointless with 20 syllables.

  6. i have still been practicing saying wow with three syllables. it isnt working out, so obviusly meyer wasnt using that walnut of a brain when she was writing these horrible books.

  7. I’ve been wandering for some time how Claude managed to live on his own before Bella came. Maybe he had ran the house together with Bill. Or somebody else.

  8. I know how ridiculous it is to post this comment so much later than this blog was posted, but bear with me.
    I’m supposed to believe that people fall for “animal attacks,” in Seattle… I’m from Seattle, what is the cover story? Attacked by large armies of seagulls? Or the jelly fish have evolved to fly and are spinning around stinging people? I mean what the fuck… Seattle has no dangerous animals, nope none at all. What a travesty of a book.

    • Haha we didn’t even think of that! But yeah… can’t imagine too many violent animal attacks happen in Seattle!

  9. One of my real problems here: You would figure a werewolf badass like Jake would either tell Bella and Mr Ed to go pound sand – Twice – OR just rip Edtard’s sparkly head off and be done with it. I seriously doubt Bella would off herself. She aint got the hutzpah. However ,Meyers seems to want Jake to have a total lack of stones and be Bellas doormat. I guess he’s the disposable minority. Every time Jake tries to let go, Bella keeps trying to ram the “friendship” down his throat. She misses Jakey poo’s warmth. Yea well i would too if was getting felt up by the uber-angsty, beauty-full granite Popsicle. I gotta know something – is there any healthy female here-abouts who actually thinks getting touched by that ice-cold dead hand or having sex with that frozen pee-pee sounds like anything other than a horror show
    creepfest???

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