Welcome to Anti-Forks

A note to our readers: Yes, we DO plan to watch and review “Breaking Dawn, Part 1” over the holidays! So stick around.

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Disclaimer: We have nothing against the state of Washington (in fact, we hear it’s quite nice), or any actual town/city/province called Forks. (EDIT: We have learned that there is, in fact, a town in Washington State called Forks. We’re sorry, people of Forks. So sorry.) We also are quite fond of the utensils. But our tolerance doesn’t reach to Stephenie Meyer’s grey, desolate, angsty town.

What we’re about

Since we’re both fans of fantasy and have lots of friends who like to sing “Twilight” praises, we decided we needed to try to understand what all the hype was about. We started with the movie, and… well, let’s not go there just yet. The only positive thing we can say about the movie is that it has a pretty awesome soundtrack. And makes for a stellar drinking game (more on this later).

But, as any “Twilight” fan will inform you, “OMG, the book is soooooooo much better!!!!!!!!” So we decided to give Stephenie Meyer the benefit of the doubt. We don’t condone hating something simply to hate it any more than we would support loving something unconditionally while refusing to acknowledge its flaws.

So we started reading. And, lo and behold, we still hate it.

So, to motivate ourselves to actually make it through the whole series, we’ve decided to blog about our reading experience, starting with the first book.

We’re giving ourselves new monikers both to shield our own identities annnd because it’s fun. We had a difficult time with this, but finally decided on two of the BEST and most memorable descriptions used in the book and the movie. We are The Destroying Angel  and  Spider Monkey.

We know that there are others out there who agree with us and our thoughts on this “Twilight” phenomenon — though perhaps you’re too fearful for your safety to say anything about it — and we want you to know we’re here for you. We’ll say what you’ve always wanted to.

What we’re doing

This is starting out as a solely “Twilight”-based page, however, it may branch out into other horribly-written and/or filmed tales of blood-sucking, lust, and teen angst. So keep that in mind, and please feel free to send suggestions our way. (Please note that “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” does not count… we have too much respect for J.K., even if Harry is a little bitch sometimes.)

In the blog entries that will follow, we plan to go through each “Twilight” book chapter by chapter and offer our commentary. “Commentary” can and may include any of the following: a plot synopsis, character psychoanalysis, the best worst quotes, a running tally of the use of the word “dazzle,” our alternatives to Meyer’s descriptions (especially when it comes to long rooms and crooked smiles), and anything else that comes to mind as we read.

Check out our most recent updates here.

Lastly, we’d like to add that we are reading these books aloud to each other so we can offer moral support and encouragement along the way. If you are like us, we don’t recommend reading these books on your own. It’s just too painful. Don’t put yourself through that.

One more disclaimer: We do not hold claim to any of the “Twilight”-related things mentioned here in this blog. The angsty characters, lack of plot, and the veiled, repressed sexual undertones belong (thankfully) to Stephenie Meyer. And, we suppose, Summit Entertainment. We didn’t create them; we just like to mock them.

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122 Responses to “Welcome to Anti-Forks”

  1. Might I just say, this is a FANTASTIC way to use your college degrees. I’ll be interested to see what happens when you get to the black hole of angst that is the second book. (I read all four during a stressful post-GRE week.) Keep it coming!

  2. This is an AWESOME site. Do keep up the fantastic work!

  3. Love you guys. I was planning on doing something like this myself. I’m trying to get through Twilight myself just so I can back up my hatred of what I’ve heard about it and the damned thing is both putting me to sleep and nearly causing my eyes to roll out of my sockets. Good to know I’m not the last sane woman in the goddamn world.

  4. Haha, thanks, Eileen! And yes, rest assured that you are not alone in thinking these books are crap!

  5. mwuahahahahahaha i love it. now that i have a desk job – this will be my “pretend like i’m doing something but really i’m just reading my friend’s blog” activity.

  6. I got linked here from twilightsucks, this site sounds awesome!

  7. What Emily said. 😀
    It does sound so very cool. Love the site so far, and I’m only on the first page!

    • your stupid i bet that your a fat kid named chuckie that watches porn on his or her computer all day and has red hair and frekles

      • I don’t see what Chuckie has to do with anything, but way to showcase your ignorance of proper grammar and spelling conventions. Are you proud?

  8. YAY!!!!!!!! Sanity does still exist (as well as humour!) Love it! Please keep the posts coming!

  9. When are you going to post more on Eclipse? I really enjoy reading your summaries and I check at least twice a day to see if you’ve posted anything else! Please continue!

  10. THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING…– 0_<

  11. Twilight is bullshit! worst books ever! The only reason loads of girls like it is ‘cos they fancy the gay guy who plays edward cullen!

  12. Hey, I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say GREAT blog!…..I”ll be checking in on a regularly now….Keep up the good work! 🙂

    – Marc Shaw

  13. it is strange that most people defending twilight cant even spell it i mean if it is your favorite book shouldnt the know how to spell it ????

  14. Twilight is not the best book on the planet, but it IS a great book. During New Moon I cried. The movie is fantastic and both movies hav rocking soundtracks! go to hell you stupid haters!

    • Woohoo a twihard! *sarcastic laugh*

    • We don’t bitch about you stupid twitards on your fan sites. So if you like the goddamn perverted thing, go back to your pillow pretending it’s Edward Cullen (ugliest stalker ever) or making out with your Twilight barbie doll. We have the right to state our opinion.

      PS: You cried? That puts everything into perspective. There’s something I suggest you buy, because you obviously don’t have it. It’s called a life.

    • Yay Twihard -_-

      Though this one is (almost) grammatically correct

      And note that we’re/I’m/they’re saying nothing against the soundtrack, I personally thought it was awesome

      And I’m sorry that you cried. Because it is genuinely sad that someone found that book readable

      And to those writing this blog, you are awesome ^^

      • We hate to admit that, yes, the films do have pretty sweet soundtracks. … But it’s really not enough of a redeeming quality, when it comes down to it.

        And thanks, Tezmara! We’re glad you’r enjoying our stuff!

    • No, it is not a great book. I cringe even to call it a “book,” insulting as it is to decent literature. You cried? What does that lend to its merit? Your claim is a non-sequitur: a good book will make you cry; “New Moon” made you cry; therefore, “New Moon” is a good book. Here’s another example: Oregon is in the US; I do not live in Oregon; therefore, I do not live in the US.

      I have the feeling that literary concepts are wasted on “Twilight” lovers, though. Shame.

      • It’s kind of like what Sheldon says in TBBT. You should cry because you’re sad. I cry because others are stupid and that makes me sad. I agree with you about it being a ‘book’ and if I cared enough I’d cry other people are stupid enough to call it a book.

        Love the site Spider Monkey and The Destroying Angel. You guys make me laugh 🙂

  15. I was just sent the link to this site and I’m already in love with it! I hated the books before they came out with movies, but I figured I should at least read them, so as to back up my hatred and to have something to do on long plane and bus rides. It was one of the most painful summers of my life. I couldn’t finish the fourth book. I didn’t have the fortitude.

    Thank the lord that there are others out there that still remain sane and can still recognize a poorly written book when they see/read it. I look forward to reading through this site and I applaud you!

  16. Was linked here from Heartless Doll – can’t wait to see what snark you have to say. I’ve read the books myself, and I enjoy them for the sheer reason I can make fun of them. If you have the stomach for it, might I suggest the Anita Blake series for an expansion on the site? the first few books of that series were enjoyable-ish…then degraded to poorly written sex.

    • Welcome to our humble corner of the Internet! We hope you enjoy our snark. And thanks for the series suggestion, too! We first have to make it through “Breaking Dawn,” and then we’ll decide if we have the will to tackle anything else. Lol.

  17. This site is absolutely awesome! It’s nice to know there are some people out there who have their heads on straight. Every time I hear somebody saying that they relate to Bella or are just like her, I think, “Great. Our future is going to be run by hormonally driven women who willingly fall into an incredibly messed up stereotype that has only been reinforced by her books.”

  18. Can’t wait til you get to Breaking Dawn 😀

  19. http://www.howitshouldhaveended.com/videos?bcpid=51434042001&bclid=41247345001&bctid=51411100001

    Watch. Laugh. Enjoy.

  20. a friend showed me this and i thought it would be funny to share.
    hope you get a laugh out of it. When I was reading it, it remined me of this website and you guys

  21. oops forgot to put the link.

    http://theoatmeal.com/story/twilight

  22. WOW I think I’ll be following this blog! 😀 Awesome work guys 😛

  23. For the record, I’m not sure what Stephanie Meyer was thinking when she wrote breaking dawn. It’s good, just not Twilight or Stephanie Meyer good. Does anyone else agree with this Twilight quiz

  24. Hey guys on your worst merch page I suggest you add the Twilight Condoms.

  25. Oh no…I have so many things to say about this horrid series. I just can’t believe I used to like it :O It’s shameful. These days I just like to laugh at it. The thing that I hate the most about it all is the fangirls. Oh no, not the fangirls. They’re a nightmare. I try my best to avoid even looking like I might be into Twilight! Just avoid it at all costs…

  26. If we’re Anti-Forks, does this makes us like, Spoons? Knives? Spatulas?

    • Definitely spoodles. (The spoon/ladle things they use in in the kitchen in restaurants — they’re actually called “spoodles,” which we think is the coolest thing ever.)

      • Aw man, I was hoping you might say lemon squeezer. I love lemons and limes. 😀

  27. agggg post more on breaking dawn!

    p.s. love your site!!

  28. I’ve loved reading all of your updates thus far and I think you’re doing a great job. “Glitter glue” Heh. Anyway, I stumbled across this on It Made My Day, and I thought that you would appreciate its hilarity.

    “I work at the local county jail. Upon performing random cell searches I found an inmate to be in possession of the entire Twilight series of books. I was just about to laugh when the entire cell block of “hardened criminals” defended it calling it the most romantic books they’ve ever read. I hate Twilight but IMMD”

    Hope that this made your day a little cheerier! I know I laughed hysterically.

  29. The Twi-byatch cried? Wow, how many blog posts from my fellow antis during the New Moan premiere reported that? You people are blinded by the thesaurus rape and SMeyer’s 13-year-old mentality. Have you been to that crazed Mormon’s site? Read her blog? She must spend her days staring at the pics of the models in Vogue and Harper’s Bazaar to get “inspiration” (did you see her at the premiere? she dyed her hair black! “Lookit me! I’m goth! I’m cool! I AM BELLA! WHY AREN’T YOU PRAISING ME?!”).

    A 2,000+ page book series an author does not make… especially when one graduates from Brigham Young University. And not for one minute do I believe she was that stellar of a student in an Arizona public school where she was too busy wondering what the non-Mormon kids (normal people) did in their free time- ‘cos God knows it’s wasn’t scrapbooking!

  30. I love your blog very much! I was so relieved when I found it – all of my friends and female relatives liked these so-called “books”, and I just started to question my own sanity. With a daily dose of reading this blog, my mental balance is finally restored. Keep it up!

  31. have you heard of the South Beach series? you should review those next…i couldn’t even make it through the first one

  32. post more on breaking dawn!

  33. Can’t wait for the fetus explosion!!!!

  34. You have no idea how much better I feel about my die-hard anti-Twilight views after reading just a few posts on your blog. It took oh…two posts to get me hooked^.^

    That’s one of the problems I have with SM fans (Oops, that doesn’t look quite right…), their blind and dogged devotion to something so obviously crap is terrifying. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut about my opinion, especially around my friends who are devoted Cullen-worshipers. I am castigated and henpecked by their insistence that it’s a good read/movie and there’s something wrong with me since I don’t like it. Yeah, you know what’s wrong? I’m not a freakin’ vapid fangirl who can’t tell the difference between twilight and a sleazy romance novel; let alone decent literature.

    I ramble, but I just wanted you to know that your site is very much appreciated by we anti-‘light fans out here in the middle of nowhere Wyoming^.^ Can’t wait to see the rest of the site. You and this site are full of win!

  35. This site is awesome! I don’t have time to explain more, but others have said things… I agree with many other comments. You know what I mean; mostly that Twilight is crap.

    But, because you guys maybe want know, in today’s newspaper, in entertainment part, was article about Twilight. The title was “Ihana Edward”, wich means “Lovely Edward”… The article was like bullshit: author of it isn’t clearly read all the books. There were for example something like that conservative book is needed to teens, because teens are nowadays so sexuality, or something like that. (sorry for bad exposition… ^__^’) Lol. What did Eddie and Bella do in the last book? Nothing near to sex? …Where do babys come? XD LOL. (Well, I haven’t really read the books expect the first two, but whatever…)

    • Thanks for visiting!

      And that’s hilarious about that article. We wonder what books the author was reading? Because, as far as we know, in the ones we’re reading, Bella spends three books trying to get in Edward’s pants. And then spends the last book pretty much constantly IN his pants, and then carrying his demon baby. Yeah… great message for teens, all right.

  36. Guys, have you seen this? It’s a twilight drinking game – for the book!

    http://www.comicsalliance.com/2010/03/17/twilight-drinking-game/

    • YES! Haha, we posted about it last week, or perhaps the week before. And it’s linked in our Just For Laughs section, too. Isn’t it hilarious?

      • I’m gonna try it sometime. And I’ll have a team of paramedics standing by. Haha. It’s extremely hilarious xD

  37. I google twilight sucks, and up comes this, a shining glory for Twilight Haters. I admit I zoomed through the books, but after I finished reading them and saw the movie I though, “Wow, this is really lame. her characters suck, the actors lotok like the should belong On Disney365, and I have no idea what interests avid readers like me in these crappy *novels*.

  38. All I can say to any future Twilight fans that will show up eventually are just the following two words: Chris Hansen.

  39. Hey hey hey, there’s coming Twilight novella! O__o It’s called The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner (what a lame name!). Your pain is not over, if you guys are going to challenge that one too. >:D One dollar of each book is going to the American Red Cross and that’s SO little money, when think that all money of J.K. Rowlings three “extra books” went to charity…

    • Yeah, it’s already (unfortunately) on our to-do list for this summer. Ugghhh.

      • what about the Host?

      • Not sure if we could make ourselves suffer through the Host. No sparklepires, after all. But yeah, we’ll have to consider it. We’ll see how things go this summer!

  40. When can we get more Breaking Dawn? You’re analysis is both hilarious and welcomming! You so need to be leaked to the media, people need to hear the word, you’re so fighting the good fight.

    • Soon, we promise! Sorry for the delay… we’ve both been busy lately!

      But thanks for your vote of confidence. Feel free to leak us to the media any time! 😉

  41. Oh, thank u. There are people who actually agree with me. I absolutely refuse to read the books or watch the movies.

  42. You guys are amazing! I find your blogs hilariously funny and completely refreshing – keep it up guys! you are almost there!

    Though….I have to tell you. The ending is awful. like AWFUL. Times two hundred. Plus 1. I mean I had severly low expectations for the ending, but she managed to bring a whole new level of craptacular in the conclusion. I hate to say it, but the worst is still to come. STAY STRONG. : )

    • Well we’re glad you like our blog, gw!

      And yes, we’re not looking forward to what we know is going to be a terrible ending to this book. Although, at the same time, we’re ecstatic about the ending, because it means we’ll be done! Haha.

  43. You guys are going to do personal commentary for New Moon right?

    • Yes! We actually did it quite a while ago (watched the movie and recorded our comments, that is), but we just haven’t had the time to transcribe it all. You’d be surprised how long it takes! But we DO plan to put it up, hopefully before “Eclipse” comes out.

  44. Oh man…Eclipse. I totally forgot! Oh, fuck that shit man. You people need to be sent like care packages.

    • No, They need E-Drops. That’s like 4 Care Packages at once.
      >.<
      Filled with Everclear.
      I tried getting through the first book,
      unfortunately I had no alcohol… 😦
      I tried reading it online but my laptop tried shooting itself…
      I took that hint that I shouldn't read it.

  45. When is the “Our Own Film Commentary” section for New Moon coming? I’m looking forward to it! And thanks for blogging here 🙂

    • Soon, we promise! We had no idea people enjoyed the last one so much… We’ll try to get it up before “Eclipse” comes out.

  46. A friend gave me the link to this site- only checked out the first few chapters but so far, I think you’re amazing!
    Keep up the good work

  47. Great blog, I will be reading. Glad I came across you guys!

  48. Wow I’ve just decided I would subject myself to the last installment of writing fail. Just wait til you get to the cheeseburger of pain…

  49. I just came across this and thought it would be appreciated here:
    http://uk.movies.ign.com/articles/110/1103143p1.html
    Twi-Hards Pee Their Pants
    Complaints from Eclipse viewers get Paranormal Activity 2’s trailer pulled.

    But then what did they expect? The only scary thing about Twilight is Smeyer’s writing…

  50. I’ve been looking through a couple pages for the last few minutes, and this site looks damn awesome. Finally anti-twilight people who don’t turn out to be rabid haters. I’m gonna explore some more now. Keep up the great work!

    • Thanks! We’re glad we come off as at least mildly intelligent and not just belligerent haters! We hope you enjoy the rest of the site.

  51. i liked and did not like the t-saga book, reading the same words over and over again was boring like- cadence, marbled, cold, and misspelled words!!!!!

  52. You guys did a great thing here and I can’t wait for your review on “The short Seconed Life of bree Tanner” and whatever else you are doing. Also have you guys seen the trailer of the upcoming movie “Twilight Sucks” It basically a spoof of Twilight coming out August 18. You two should check it out you will love it.

    • Thanks so much! And yes, we have seen that trailer. I think the movie is called “Vampires Suck,” but yeah, we’ll definitely have to check it out. Maybe not in the theaters, but eventually. It’ll be a good laugh, to be sure.

  53. Not sure if you guys saw this but wanted to give you a heads up 🙂

    • Hahaha, we’ve been so happy seeing these trailers on TV. It’s like they took the silly thoughts right out of our heads!

  54. Saw “Vampires Suck” today. Do you think they’ll do a sequel that covers Eclipse and Breaking Dawn? I’d love to see how they handle the fetus explosion.

  55. Have you heard they’ve cast Renesmee? THEY ARE ACTUALLY FUCKING GOING THERE?!?!

  56. Not but seriously, it’s like some little girl. Mackenzie something. I can’t wait to see how they’re going to trasmit the story through Lautner and her.

  57. I notice that on your site you make fun of ADD and Aspergers. I have both. Why do you have to make them look like such bad things to have?

  58. SMeyer is making a Twilight official guide! Why? Also, I still have ADD.

    • An official guide? Really? Geez. What could you possibly put in it? It’s not like there are a ton of characters or difficult concepts to keep track of.

  59. Don’t know if you heard, but moviemaking has sunk to a new low. SMeyer is coproducing Breaking Dawn! Why, dear God? WHY?!?

  60. You’re probably sick of me, by i’m still waiting for you to read bree tanner. I’d also be thrilled if you read the host. I couldn’t read it. There’s no plot of course, but it’s full of endlessly disturbing scenes between the main character and her boyfriend, particularly their meeting. Anypoop, did you notice that part 2 of breaking dawn is coming out in 2012? It’s not a coincidence.

    • We know, we’re horrible and haven’t gotten around to Bree Tanner yet. Destroying Angel had to go and move to Hawaii in order to go to grad school, so the dream team has been split up!

      • Really? Why’d you move? How are you going to do this now? I miss you guys.

      • Destoying Angel went back to school. In Hawaii. Spider Monkey is ridiculously jealous. Thankfully, we finished up all 4 books before the big move.

  61. How does Destroying Angel even concentrate at school while at Hawaii. That takes some skill. Well I do hope you guys are able to get back together for the rest of the movies and books soon.

  62. Hello. You’re not sick of me yet, are you? If so, too bad. Anyway, SMeyer’s writing a book about cannibalistic mermaids that she calls “sirens.” This idea fails on so many levels. First, how can they be cannibals if they eat humans instead of their own species? Second, being a Greek mythology buff, I’m pretty offended by this idea. Sirens, according to Greek mythology, are birds with the heads of human women. It’s like Meyer just sits down and asks herself “Hmm, what Mythical monsters are capable of being ruined?” You all know what I mean.

  63. Oh god, breaking dawn is out. I hope you guys review it. Your readers miss you.

    • We are actually just texting each other now and making plans to review it over the holidays! We know we haven’t posted anything for a very long time, but we haven’t forgotten about you guys!

  64. Hey you guys are alive. Was a bit worried there. Just saw Breaking Dawn last night with my firends (Thankfully they paid) and it was bad. Not as bad as the others, but still bad. Though Charlie was the only good thing of the whole movie, and the birthing scene was really fuuny, but otherwise bad bad movie. Espically the baby face. That was just wrong on so many levels. When you see it I pormise you will think of it as a some sort of deamon.

  65. Happy New Year! Watch the movie yet? I hope you read Bree Tanner soon too. I read it and I have my own list of little things that irk me about it. Like how in your face it is about how “everything we know about vampires is wrong” and “LOOK AT MY VAMPIRES OMG THEY’RE SO AWESOME! BRAM STOKER, ANNE RICE, AND JOSS WHEDON ALL DID IT WRONG MINE ARE THE BEST ME ME ME ME ME!”
    Phew.
    Scared yet?

    • Terrified.

      We actually DID watch the movie over the holidays! Just haven’t had time to type up a review yet.

  66. First of, Happy New Year!! I’ve missed you guys, too. I’ve been checking periodically. Dying to see if you reviewed Breaking Dawn – I saw it because I was stuck in the city for five hours waiting for my friend to get out of work (yes, I’m a really good friend). It wasn’t horrible but they probably could have cut down 75% off the dialogue. Definitely should have trimmed Jacob’s lines down to 10% – I still would have been on team Eric Northman. It wouldn’t matter.

    • We watched the movie over the holidays, and took lots of fun notes. Just have to write up the review. Stay tuned!

  67. Just tell us one thing. Is Breaking Dawn the movie as bad or worse than Breaking Dawn the book?

  68. I hate you guys for keeping us hanging.

  69. Hey!! I’m from India and I googled ‘Bella boiling live puppies’ (I thought that was the heights of Lameness which SM has scaled with elan like it were Mt. Everest) and I found this gem of a site.
    Really, You make twilight readable.
    As a Joke Book.
    I must saw we’re a masochistic lot if we’ve read the series. Mostly to find out how bad it can get.

    I’m probably rambling, So here goes: You’ll are AH-MAZING!
    You ppl actually took the time and did this satirical take on each chapter!

    Kudos!!

    Much love
    Jayashree

  70. finally, a twilight commentary worth reading. thanks guys!!

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