33. Forgery

Chapter Synopsis

With all of the risky business going on in the Cullen abode, Claude has not had the opportunity to see the spawn of his daughter in almost a week. He and Bella make some arrangements for Jacob to bring the little nudger over to have a play date with Grandpa Claude, mustache patrol, and a few of his friends. The real reason Bella is taking Renesmee to Claude, however, is to avoid him coming to the Cullens’ in the middle of a sparklepire gathering. And so she can sneak off to Seattle.

Not surprisingly, Jacob just keeps complaining about the smell of the sparklepires (we were unaware that glitter had a scent) and how edgy he is with the Impending Volyuri Attack of Doom and whatnot. Bella lets him know that he’ll be staying with Claude for a bit, or at least until the impending doom is over and there is nothing left but glittery ash. After dropping Nessie and Jacob off at Charlie’s, Bella goes off to find J. Jenks’ address. This way, Eddie-kins will never have to know.

She drives into a the dilapidated part of town (“the ghetto”) with a hell of a lot of fortune tellers. A man is sitting on a random park bench in front of the abandoned building that shares the same address as the one Alice gave Bella for J. Jenks. There is some (okay, a lot of) stupid banter about how classy ladies like her usually don’t do business with “him” in this office. Usually they go to the one in the city in the big skyscraper. Bella asks just what his “business” is, but instead of answering, the guy calls J up and tells him Bella Cullen is there to see him. He goes on to describe her, using phrases like “rocking body.” (Gag.) Apparently, this is an important meeting, and J sends her to his city office.

It turns out, this man’s real name is Jason Scott, and he is an attorney, who happens to deal in falsified documents on the side.

Jason Scott is a tubby dude wearing the stereotypical “I watch Law and Order” lawyer’s attire of a blue and white pinstripe shirt, red tie and blue blazer. It appears that Jasper used to deal with all this business for the Cullens, so J is uber-confused about why Bella is here now. He’s on-edge and clearly terrified of Bella, but he agrees to help her get some fake papers — passports and IDs for Jacob and Renesmee. Bella realizes Alice was smart enough to have the foresight for this, in case something would happen to the family.

There’s lots of unnecessary dialogue and descriptions of J being twitchy and uncomfortable, but, in the end, he guarantees the documents will be done in one week.

Best Worst Lines

“Charlie was quiet for so long that I wondered if he heard the strain beneath my façade.

But then he muttered, ‘Need to know, ugh,’ and I realized it was just his warinessof the supernatural that made him slow to respond.”

“Though Charlie didn’t know anything about werewolf imprinting, no one could be oblivious to the attachment between Jacob and Renesmee.”

“’How do you think?’ Jacob asked bitingly. ‘I’m sick of all these reeking bloodsuckers.’ He saw my expression and spoke before I could answer. ‘Yeah, I know, I know. They’re the good guys, they’re here to help, they’re going to save us all. Etcetera, etcetera. Say what you want, I still think Dracula One and Dracula Two are creep-tacular.’” (631)   (You know what’s really creep-tacular? The fact that you are attached at the hip to your future fuck-buddy, and she hasn’t even been alive that long.)

“I was getting better and better with my shield. Kate didn’t feel the need to motivate me anymore — it wasn’t hard to find reasons to feel angry, now that I knew that was the key — and so I mostly worked with Zafrina.”   (Emo, much? “I’m SO angry! I married the vampy of my dreams, we have lots of animalistic sex ALL of the time, we never have to take care of our spawn and I never have to work!”)

“The man laid his paper aside, and his clothes surprised me, now that I could see them. Under his long ragged duster, he was a little too well-dressed. There was no breeze to give me the scent, but the sheen on his dark red shirt looked like silk. His crinkly black hair was tangled and wild, but his dark skin was smooth and perfect, his teeth white and straight. A contradiction.”   (Because nobody in a seemingly old, dusty part of town full of junker cars could POSSIBLY dress well and have straight teeth. Oh HELL no!)

“There was a beat of dead silence, and then the voice on the other end was abruptly screaming, using a lot of words you didn’t often hear outside of truck stops. Max’s whole expression changed; all the joking vanished and his lips went pale.” (What the *#$% are you trying to say about *&@# who hang out in #@&$ing truck stops you mother*&@%#^$ *&$%!? They have delicious coffee and nummy apple dumplings with ice cream. Visit one sometime — they’re fun.)

“I just nodded. I wasn’t sure why Alice had given me the ghetto address.”   (Ghetto? Wow. The closest SMeyer has probably ever been to a ghetto is Forks, WA. And she’s never even been there.)

Things That Really Irk Us

The fake names Bella gave Mr. Scott for Jacob and Renesmee were “Jacob Wolfe and Vanessa Wolfe.” Pathetic. Does she not think that, with everything the Volturri already know, they couldn’t put two and two together?

SMeyer tried to make the whole “I need fake documents transaction” SO brooding and scary — as if Bella could intimidate the tea we drank this morning. Please. Stop trying to write up these ridiculously stereotyped ‘crime’ scenes. Thanks.

That this entire “J. Jenks” ordeal took up MORE than one chapter and it was completely pointless. At most, it was worth a paragraph of our time… and that’s giving it way too much credit. WTF SMeyer?

Final Thoughts

Are we there yet? More importantly, will our souls be eternally damned by the writing gods for reading this ridiculous, shite book? Let us hope they spare us for our woes as we are doing it in the name of entertainment.

Go to Chapter 34.
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10 Responses to “33. Forgery”

  1. […] 33: Forgery Chapter 33 is up […]

  2. The moment I read, “Mustache Patrol” I knew it was going to be interesting. GREAT code names LOSER! Nobody would EVER figure! The Volturi have only been alive for 2000 years! You have pulled the wool over their eyes… NOT! BOTHERED!

  3. Oh jesus…the ghetto? Way to show you’re down with the kids Meyer, “rocking body” and all.

  4. Oh, and it makes PERFECT sense to drop the kid who is the target of the Vulturi’s ire off at a HUMAN’S house with puppy. Right. THEY can fend off a group of carnivore vamps, unlike the stupid sparklepires they’re gathering at the Lamo Ranch.

  5. I imagine they smell like glue. you know, the sparklepires.

    And the ghetto thing sounds borderline racist. >>

  6. Mustache Patrol is epic! Terrible book…Someone should chop SM’s hands off so she can’t write anymore! Good job as usual making this waste of trees readable.

  7. I am glad I’m not the only one who thinks staches are epic (I have a Mustache Mafia)! Seriously racist Meyers. No Ghettos in WA (Google god has proven Meyers wrong even though it was obvious). They may have poorer towns but no ghettos. Sorry to disappoint you Meyers, but Washington state is full on Suburbs.

  8. I noticed that Bella can hear J over the phone when he was talking to Max, but neither Jasper nor Alice could hear James over the phone when he was talking to Bella. God, I hate plot holes!

  9. Again super late to the party… There is no ghetto in Seattle. Some parts of the city are nicer than others, but there’s no ghetto. Bitch this isn’t Detroit.
    Hell the most junky place I can think of is Tukwila, Wa but it may be far from ghetto.
    Way to insult my home city for the millionth time Smeyer.

    • Again, research fail on her part. You’d think she’d at least visit these places once or twice before writing about them, right??

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