27. Travel Plans

Chapter Synopsis

If Bella were a thread in Fate’s loom, she would be crimson or a shiny, glistening gold. The family tapestry woven around her would be pretty colors too — the werewolves would be earthy tones with woodsy colors. (Why we care about this, we have no idea.) A lot of people have gotten sucked into the “Bella Vortex” as of late: Sue and Leah Clearwater, for example, have befriended Claude to help him get through the discovery of werewolves and vampires in Forks. But all in all, the most dominant pattern in Bella’s tapestry is happiness. (Gag.)

Let’s take it back a bit, shall we? A couple of months have passed, so we obviously need one of Bella’s detailed recaps.

Jasper still hovers over Bella because he’s jealous of her SWEET super power that involves NOT eating people. This annoys the shit out of Bella (almost as much as her being “alive” annoys everybody who reads this series).

Bella goes on to tell us about her new life in the most boring of ways and then gets all “metaphorical” with the fabric of her life, blah, blah, blah and then we learn that Renesmee spoke her first words: “Momma,” at the tender age of one week. This was shortly followed by sentences such as “Where is Claude and his sweet-ass mustache?” Then, at 3 weeks old, Renesmee walked with the fairy-like nimbleness of Alice. Point: Renesmee grows hella fast.

But wait… because Bella and Edward have this odd connection through ‘classic’ literature like Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet, of COURSE Bella would be reading her 3-month-old Tennyson, and OF COURSE her child would pick it up and start reading it herself.

While all of this intellectual growth is occurring, Eddie-kins and Carlizzle are planning a trip to Brazil to check records of possible previous half human/half sparklepire bastards to find out what happened to THEM. (Like, do they hit old age and die after a couple of years?)

BOOM! Bella’s world comes crashing down around her! (Yes, the transition does occur this quickly with absolutely NO relevance to what is going on in the chapter.) Aro had sent an extravagant wedding present to Edward and Bella — much to Bella’s surprise. Alice had sent out wedding announcements and Aro can’t WAIT to meet the newest sparklepire to join the Cullen clan. (Oh yes, let’s not forget the extravagant gift was a bunch of crown jewels from King John of England.) Clearly, the Volturi haven’t forgotten about Eddie’s yummy-smelling play-thing.

Bella decides that she is the bestest ever at keeping secrets, so she’ll go see Aro herself to protect Renesmee. Edward doesn’t like this plan, but Alice promises to keep an “eye” on things, and Carlizzle plans to travel with Bella as far as London, and be relatively close by if she needs him. (He was a part of Aro’s posse for a while, so he could always smooth out anything that might come up.) They buy the plane tickets and prepare for the trip.

Bella goes on one last hunting trip with Jacob and Renesmee before heading off to Italy. Bella and Jacob get in a bit of a tiff over Jacob’s schooling — after all, her baby is reading Tennyson at 3 months old! She isn’t going to be with someone without a GED! But then the snow distracts them and before we know it Nessie and Jacob are frolicking and chasing after the biggest flakes!

SURPRISE! Bella uses her sweet sparkly senses and spots another sparklepire across the meadow full of buttery sunshine and way up in the mountains. And it ISN’T a Cullen! Uh-Oh!

No worries though… it’s just Irina. Although, she’s still pissed about Bella hanging out with the werewolves that killed her fuck buddy, Laurent. GRRRR (she said with her top lip snarled back over her teeth). Bella tries some apologetic hand gestures, but they just seem to piss Irina off even more. Irina catches a glimpse of Jacob in wolf-form playing with Renesmee, and she takes off into the mountains with her grumpy-pants on.

Bella calls Carlizzle to tell him what went down, just in case she’s stirred something up, and Eddie-kins is at her side immediately. Carlizzle decides Irina is just grieving (she did, after all, just see Jacob), and he’s going to go after her to try and talk things out.

Best Worst Lines

“I took mythology a lot more seriously since I’d become a vampire.” (525)

“Sue seemed to have taken it on herself to smooth Charlie’s transition into the world of make-believe.”   (Oooh do they ride the little red trolley and go visit Daniel Striped Tiger in his giant clock??)

“And I was euphoric the vast majority of the time. The days were not long enough for me to get my fill of adoring my daughter; the nights did not have enough hours to satisfy my need for Edward.” (527)   (Gop, Rop, O, Sop, Sop = GROSS. Plus, her days are not full of Renesmee; Jacob and Rosalie’s are.)

“There was a flipside to the joy, though. If you turned the fabric of our lives over, I imagined the design on the backside would be woven in the bleak grays of doubt and fear.”

“The way he was tied to her made his own reactions secondary; his first reflex was always to give Renesmee whatever she needed. But our eyes met, and I saw all the panic in mine echoed in his. I made my hands clap together, too, trying to hide my fear from her. Edward applauded quietly at my side, and we didn’t need to speak our thoughts to know they were the same.”   (Are they thinking about how Jacob will be getting poon from their daughter within the next year? Yea.. we thought so.)

Things That Really Irk Us

Bella keeps explaining how Renesmee’s mind keeps growing insanely fast while her body lags behind a bit. She points out that in four years her daughter will be full grown and by 15 she will be an old woman. This makes no sense as she is a vampire — right? She has special powers and likes to bite stuff, yet SMeyer never exactly explains what characteristics are vampire and which ones are human. Fail.

Bella is thinking about biting her daughter and turning her to keep her from aging once she hits adulthood. (See above comment.)

Once again, the way that any remote “theme” to this chapter (along with every other) is abruptly changed from paragraph to paragraph without any type of transition or introduction. It’s like being around someone with severe ADHD that is not on meds and gets — oh look! A sparklepire!

There’s obviously no conflict in Bella’s life, so SMeyer has taken it upon herself to randomly introduce an old character (Irina) two books after her Laurent has been killed. Grasping at straws much?

Final Thoughts

Ugh.  So where did we get ‘travel plans’ much in this chapter? Oh yeah! That one sentence in the last paragraph of a pointless chapter.

How about Bella and Edward take a trip to the moon to see if they can be immortal in space?

Go to Chapter 28.
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14 Responses to “27. Travel Plans”

  1. WOW. THis chapter sucks. The whole strands of their life thing is so stupid! Really. NO CONFLICT. So boring. How much more!?

  2. Y’know, if it weren’t for Renesmee, this would just be another terrible romance series, but Renesmee takes it to a-whole-nother level of creepy wrongness. I can’t get over how ridiculously Bella treats her daughter. It’s like… she’s an adult character… but she’s not. Doesn’t Stephenie Meyer have children? Hasn’t she seen and/or met children and their mothers? Doesn’t she have a mother herself?

  3. It’s pretty clear Meyer is trying to pull a ‘Claudia’ ala Interview with the Vampire, but where Claudia was entertaining and Rice never shied away from her inherent creepiness, Nessie is just wierd and abstract, and if anything detracts from the larger (supposed) themes of these novels. On wikipedia, Meyer states that she entertains the idea and motivations of her characters on the power of choice/decision, but nothing in this series really demonstrates that point; Jacob is drawn to Nessie by some wierd, instinctual pseudo-sexual need, Edward’s fascination with Bella started because he couldn’t read her mind, and Bella may have decided Edward is her soulmate but with no clear justification for why.

  4. So… Just to be clear – Bella and Edward meet in high school, begin a creepy and dysfunctional relationship, cause all kinds of trouble for their families, Bella strings poor Jake along like last week’s laundry, gets married for the sole purpose of being able to do the nasty and have it be “okay”, somehow gets pregnant from said nasty, cheats death and becomes a sparklepire, is finally “pretty”, has a remarkable child who practically raises herself (and in half the time!), and has all-night screw-fests with her creepy one-and-only, and never has to worry about money because apparently being a vampire is a lucrative gig.

    To sum up: a long series of incredibly bad decisions gives Bella exactly what she always wanted, apparently.

    LAME!

    • Ugh, I know. The lack of conflict in this series is what I find so problematic (as a creative expression) and detrimental (to its readers) about Twilight. The characters never really have to confront anything, so much as stuff just happens around them. The latter half wouldn’t be so much a problem if the ‘threat’ issues weren’t so unimportant and weightless considering the events of any given book.
      In Twilight, Bella’s decision to continue to maintain contact with Edward is the supposed-tension. This fails (to me at least) as the choice outweighs the conciousness of it; knowing she could die any moment by staying just shows Bella does not care about her life, so why should I (hypothetically as a reader) care about her life/decisions/ideas? Meyer doesnt even attempt to convey this aspect of the character in an interesting way, personally I don’t think she even considered it as an angle. Instead, Bella just comes off as pathetic and with an incredibly low self-concept of herself. I think Meyer is somewhat aware of this and that’s why her writing is so dependant on other character’s defining the attributes of other characters (and sometimes entire discourses) so those initial characters don’t have to provide their own character growth/development and can continue to co-exist with (and within) their personalities. So basically when Jacob does things like call Rosalie “showy” or Bella describing Carlizzle’s study “like a college dean’s”; Meyer is trying to make statements like this like a conveyance of a critical observation, but they’re just lazy.

    • Wow, a perfect summary! 🙂 It captures the delicate and chiselled atmosphere of this masterpiece of literature.

  5. About their unlimited supply of money…where did they get all that? I know Carlizzle (I love that!) has been a doctor for centuries and all that but still- he is the only one who makes a living, they’ve all been to college about 4 times, they have super-fancy cars,houses, and clothes, and they have millions of dollars left over!

    • Let’s not dance around this issue Meyer, doing the old Two-Step Sparklepire Shuffle…the Cullens steal. You know it, I know it, they steal and they hock. Seriously thouh, I’m betting there’s some lame ass explanation like the Volturi set you up with cash so you don’t have to steal from your prey and arouse suspicion.

      • I googled, you are right there is a lame explanation: Alice cam predict the stock markets and they don’t have to buy food

      • Alice can predict the stock market??
        What kind of superpower is this? (If only I had it, too…)

      • fail, Meyer
        i know pretty much nothing about stocks, but I’m fairly certain that since Alice’s visions are based on decisions people make, it wouldn’t work. Like i said, I’m not an expert on stocks, but still.
        Besides, isn’t that still illegal? Like fixing a horse race?

  6. Ughh… I thought it couldn’t get even more disgusting than the previous chapters. I was wrong. It can, and it does. Seriously, Bella is the pure manifestation of the fears of uncapable women: she’s afraid of getting old (at the age of 18!), having a child, communicating with her family (I mean Charlie and Renee), being responsible for something. She doesn’ t need to fight, to suffer or simply to be patient for something; no, she gets everything she wants immediately. Terrible. Now THIS is what I call horror.

  7. Given that the entire series is basically wish-fulfillment for SMeyer, containing immortal youth, perfect hubby figure, endless supplies of cash, perfect little house all done up for her… What does it say about SMeyer and her own kids if her “perfect child” grows super-fast, is mega-smart, doesn’t need any ‘raising’ or nurturing and can communicate all her needs and wants without crying?

    …Does SMeyer hate kids? O.o

  8. Is it just me or does the speedy growth of the hellspawn totally remove any need for Mary-Sue to look after her? This is probably good. Had the kid grown up slowly there might have been more books. I hope that some real werewolves/vampires turn up and eat everyone.

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