11. I Don’t WANNA

11. The Two Things At The Top Of My Things-I-Never-Want-To-Do List

Chapter Synopsis

Due to the rank and file of Jacob in Sam’s wolf-pack, Jacob is being forced to go through with the attack on the Cullens. Everyone in the pack is scurrrred because they know not all of them will make it out alive. There is much nuzzling and whimpering between Embry, Quil and Jacob. Deep down, Jake wants Eddie-kins and the veggie-pires to win.

Then, out of nowhere, Jacob realizes that he is the only one who can stand up to Sam! He’s the rightful Alpha in the pack!

Jacob stands his ground and he and Sam fight. FINALLY, Sam points out that this is about Bella and that she will never pick Jacob and that he really needs to get over it and stop destroying his life for her. (Thank God SOMEONE has put it in plain English for him… or doggy, in this case.) They fight about their heritage and who has the bigger schlong… blah blah blah. Jacob knows his is bigger, but doesn’t want the responsibility of being the Alpha dog, so he runs away to warn the Cullens.

Seth follows Jacob, and they discover that since they’ve now created two separate packs, they can no longer communicate telepathically with the rest of the wolves — only with each other. Seth and Jacob discuss their next move since they kind of want to stop the pack from attacking the Cullens… but maybe not? Jacob calls out to Edward, warning that he and Seth are coming in peace, and Edward is waiting for them on his front porch. Seth goes off into the woods while Eddie-kins and his new bff, Jacob, shred some friendly banter about their favorite subject — Bella.

Seth and Jacob stand watch, telling Edward they’ll send warning signals if the pack comes near. Jacob listens in on the house like a creeper, listening to Bella’s breathing. He creeps up to the Cullens house to get a peek of Bella and finds her in a hospital bed, with tubes hooked up to her frail little frame… boohoo… Jacob decides it is best to run away into the forest to chill with Seth.

Best Worst Lines

“He moved like a lightning strike — power and speed and death rolled into one.”

“Every word was layered with command, but it couldn’t touch me. Alpha blood ran undiluted in my veins.”

“Oh yes you are the hell going to stand behind Sam! Get your furry butt back to La Push and do what Sam tells you to do.”

“‘Em, Jazz — not them! The others.'”   (Edward, with his “cadences from another century,” refers to Jasper as “Jazz”? REALLY??)

What if something happened tohim on my watch? Leah would shred me into kibble.” (219)   (Ok, we get it — it’s a DOG joke. Ya know — like Kibbles’n’Bits? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Stupid.)

“Not a normal bed — one with rails like in a hospital.”

Things That Really Irk Us

We wonder what SMeyer would do if she couldn’t just italicize every conversation happening telepathically. Perhaps she would actually try to write?

Jacob is officially the Cullens’ bitch now, since Bella is a Cullen. Grow a pair. You’re a wolf, so they should be extra hairy.

Bella is still super sickly and still hasn’t died.

The ‘dramatic’ ending where she’s in a hospital bed with milky liquid dripping into her. Perhaps it’s Eddie-kins’ super sperm, giving her super strength so that their little bastard can bust out of her abdomen Alien style. (We can only hope.)

Final Thoughts

This was SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCHHHHHH a pointlessly long chapter. This chapter has to be a set up for a future threesome where Jacob ends up being the third wheel — videotaping it in the corner whilst masturbating with his own tears. THAT’S how much of a little bitch he is. For REAL.

Go to Chapter 12.
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6 Responses to “11. I Don’t WANNA”

  1. LMAO. ‘For REAL.’

  2. ‘Em’? ‘Jazz’? I thought those were short versions of girl’s names… Mind you, these vampires are VERY girly (ie. tween girly)

  3. Em and Jazz do comfuse me. I can’t see anybody calling anybody those nick names, ever. That’s dumb….

    Stupid chapter, I agree. This book just sucks.

  4. Why can’t Sam just go and kill Bella and Edward and all the other vampires. Then this stupid book would be over and we could go one with our lives. Or maybe the baby could kill Bella. You know what I don’t care how Bella dies as long as she dies, I will be happy. And by dead I mean not Vampire dead, I mean dead dead.

  5. the worst lines were particularly bad this time….
    why can’t bella die?
    why did smeyer keep writing, when clearly she passed Horrible long ago?
    and WHY did i ever read these books???

  6. What are those two things on his never-want-to-do list? I feel like I should know this, but the book never makes it clear.

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