Review — Our Two Cents

No real plot. Lifeless characters. A blue-grey cast over angst-ridden scenes. What more could we possibly ask for from a movie? Oh yeah… a lot. But we didn’t get much out of “Twilight.” Not that we were expecting to, of course. We both saw the movie for the first time last year, and Spider Monkey even wrote a less-than-kind review of it for her college newspaper. But we decided we had to watch and review it again after our foray into the books. And let’s just say that it’s just as bad the second (and third) time around.

Admittedly, based on the source material, it would be silly to expect too much from the “Twilight” movie. It would be a feat for any screenwriter/director duo to take a book with virtually no plot and bland characters and make it into something worth seeing. So, really, Melissa Rosenberg and Catherine Hardwicke had no prayer from the beginning. (Which is unfortunate, as they’ve both done interesting things in the past – like “Dexter” and “Thirteen,” respectively. But, as Destroying Angel said at one point during our viewing, “I swear, she [Hardwicke] like used to be a hippie, and gave up a career in good film to make ‘Twilight.’”)

The filmmakers also apparently had no budget, and we wish they wouldn’t have tried so hard to water down expensive effects in order to afford them. It just makes the movie look cheap and silly. They could have done away with the stupid sparkly skin effect, the bursts of vampy lightening speed, and the high-flying moments in the trees and on the baseball field. The money they wasted there could have perhaps been put into the fight at the ballet studio, which had the potential for being a pretty badass vampy brawl. But it falls short. Way short.

But the dumb effects are really the least of our complaints (though, judging from the “New Moon” trailers, the lackluster effects will likely continue throughout the series… joy). So what’s our biggest beef with this film? The fact that it exists at all, really.

We hated the “Twilight” book, and we don’t look any more favorably upon the movie. While fans of the books have complained that the film deviates too much from the source, we think it sticks too close. Bella is still dumb and annoying, Edward is still creepy, and everybody is still angsty. Oh, and the story is still pitifully stupid. And the fact that a lot of the dialogue is pulled right from the book? Bad move. Robert Pattinson should probably be awarded something just for keeping a straight face while delivering that “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin” line. We wonder if MTV will perhaps add a new category next year just for him?

And, let’s just come out and say it – the acting is pretty bad. Everything feels so awkward, and we end up really disliking both Bella and Edward – and, vicariously, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. RPattz does NOT look attractive with Jimmy Neutron hair and skin the color of death (then again, he doesn’t look much better in real life, either, with his whole “I-don’t-take-regular-showers” attitude). And KStew opts for neurotic twitches instead of character development (seriously, we swear if she bites her lip or blinks 60 times in a row again, we will scream). This is unfortunate, as well, because we used to like Cedric Diggory in the “Goblet of Fire” film (whereas now we just giggle manically when his death is impending), and we hear KStew has done some decent stuff in the past. But now they’re both just going to be Edward and Bella forever. Bad career move, kids.

(Plus, they’re so awkward in real-life interviews, too. Especially KStew. We find it hard to believe that she can be THAT high all the time… Then again, maybe she’s finally realized that she’ll never have a real acting career after this, and can’t stand to be sober anymore.)

But back to this review. The movie is just as painful as the book, and by now we’re assuming that you know our minute opinions about the book. So, instead of repeating our thoughts about how weird and unhealthy it is that Bella is a-okay with Edward watching her sleep at night and wanting to eat her, we’re going to do something more fun.

Please click here to continue on to Our Own Film Commentary. And prepare to laugh!