9. Obvi

9. Sure As Hell Didn’t See That One Coming

Chapter Synopsis

Jacob goes home before he sets out to storm the Cullen house. He plans to just grab his motorcycle and leave, but Billy gets in the way. Billy wants to talk, but Jacob doesn’t — he’s super depressed he still hasn’t banged Bella and hasn’t imprinted on anybody yet… now he has to go to a ton of weddings on his own! Grrr.

Jacob finally hops on his bike to ride over to the Cullen’s place and challenge Eddie-kins to a duel (yes, a duel) — THAT will teach him to marry and knock up the sadist Jacob still obsesses over like an idiot! Upon his arrival at the Cullen mansion, Carlizzle answers the door with his usually confident air, telling Jacob that this is not a good time for him to throw a temper tantrum. (Oh Carlizzle, how you make our knees melt with your stoic demeanor and fatherly badassery.)

Jacob isn’t taking no for an answer, and slips into the house of vampires anyway. The mood is very doom-and-gloom. But Bella, Jacob discovers, still smells human. She is in the fetal position on the couch, surrounded by weepy Cullens. And then she stands up to show Jacob that her eggo is prego. And not only is her eggo prego, but it is VERY preggo. Like huge bulging gut preggo. And she looks even more sallow and weak than usual.

Edward read Jacobs thoughts about how he always knew that Eddie-kins would be the death of Bella. Edward then takes Jake outside to have a nice chat. The two have a heart-to-heart about how Edward’s thunder sperm are killing Bella, and the two *nearly* shed a few tears together.

Here’s the DL: Bella is pissed at Edward for implying that he and Carlizzle even TRY to abort the baby. Rosalie is Bella’s protector because she wants the mortal to have this baby since she is incapable of having her own kids. Basically, it’s boys versus girls, and since all the boys’ balls are in a vice, the girls win and now Bella is going to die.

Edward tries to convince Jacob to convince Bella to get a shma-shmorshin. Oh, AND he offers Jacob Bella’s body because having a werewolf baby is much better for both their marriage and Bella’s health.

Finally, they make a deal: Jacob must ty to convince Bella to get rid of her baby, sleep with Jacob, and have a child all their own that won’t kill her. And if she won’t listen and dies instead, then Jacob can kill Edward.

Best Worst Lines

“So I’d just walk in, see Sam’s precious evidence for myself, and then challenge Edward to a duel.”

“Huh — I wondered if Sam would consider my death provocation. Probably say I got what I deserved. Wouldn’t want to offend his bloodsucker BFFs.” (168)

“I stared at him, dumbfounded. Was he asking to post-pone the death match for a more convenient time?”   (Okay, we really loled at this one. Seriously? Jacob sounds like an angry fifth grader about to take on the middle school bully.)

“The blond bloodsucker — the showy one, Rosalie — bent over her, cutting into my view, hovering in a strange, protective way.”   (*Snigger.* “The showy one.” WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?)

“I saw it then, but I still couldn’t believe it. I’d seen her just a month ago. There was no way she could be pregnant. Not that pregnant.

Except that she was.”   (Wait. Re-really?)

“I didn’t want to see this, didn’t want to think about this. I didn’t want to imagine him inside her.” (174)   (Wait, wait… is this really Jacob picturing Edward *inside* her? Like, fucking her? God, we hope so. Just picture that, Jake, his cold, sparkly dingaling of death just nailing her. Do it.)

“For the tiniest part of a second my eyes touched on the two standing in the back. Esme. Alice. Small and distractingly feminine. Well, I was sure the others would kill me before I had to do anything about them. I didn’t want to kill girls… even vampire girls.” (175)   (WHAT a gentleman.)

“It took a minute for the words to sink in. Jeez, she was running true to form. Of course, die for the monster spawn. It was so Bella.” (177)

“’I don’t care about anything but keeping her alive,’ he said, suddenly focused now. ‘If it’s a child she wants, she can have it. She can have half a dozen babies. Anything she wants.’ He paused for one beat. ‘She can have puppies, if that’s what it takes.'” (180)   (It’s like ‘Let’s Make A Deal’: Give up the child of the man you love and you have ALL the PUPPIES you want!)

Things That Really Irk Us

As previously mentioned, this entire idea of having stories within a story… written from another character’s perspective for no apparent reason… REALLLLLLLLY irks us.

Yes, we understand Jacob’s heartache and STILL think he needs to get over Bella. But this is not what really makes us *guffaw* in this chapter. No, no, dear readers. What  makes us *guffaw* and seriously want to bitch slap SMeyer are the following occurrences:

A) that SMeyer, amongst all the ‘no premarital sex’ and ‘saving yourself for marriage and not masturbating for almost one hundred years’, etc. etc., keeps bringing up the idea of forcing Bella to have an abortion. WTF?

2) Edward promises his wife, whom he loves more than life itself, to Jacob. Not her soul, not her love… no, no… her BODY.

What is romantic about a man promising his wife she can have a baby, but only if it’s with another man? Does Edward really think that she’s THAT disposable? That Edward wouldn’t hold it over Bella’s head the rest of their marriage? There are just SO many things WRONG with these implications that we must stop before we hunt SMeyer down and beat her.

Final Thoughts

All we can say, with our jaws dropping to the floor, is WHAT THE FUCK? This is a new low, even for SMeyer.

Go to Chapter 10.