14. Mind Over Matter

Chapter Synopsis

Bella and Edward are driving back after their sparkling day in the buttery sunshine. We discover that, along with Debussy, Edward likes 50’s music! (Obviously not human.) Edward takes the car ride home as an opportunity to tell Bella how his “family” came to be.

He was born in 1901, and Carlisle saved him from the Spanish Influenza when he was 17. Rosalie came next — she was intended to be Edward’s mate, but he wasn’t that into her. Next was Emmett, who was more fond of Rosalie in an I-really-wanna-bone-you sort of way than Edward had been. Alice and Jasper followed. Jasper belonged to another family, Alice (who doesn’t remember her human life at all) found him, and they went together to join Carlisle and his family. We find out there is another “vegetarian” vampy family in Alaska. 

Once back at the Swan house, Bella invites Edward inside while she eats. (Dun-dun-dunnnnnn.) Edward somehow knows where the spare key is hidden, and he admits to stalking Bella in the past. Bella, of course, is flattered by this, and it makes her giddy to know Edward comes to her room and watches her sleep at night. … Bella is a bit worried — not because he wants to eat her, but because she talks in her sleep and is afraid she may have revealed her feelings about Edward.

Charlie returns home, Edward disappears, and Charlie grills Bella about the boys in town. Bella evades the conversation, and heads up to her room where Edward is waiting, laying across her bed (fully clothed, of course). Edward spends the night! (SCANDAL!)  This is difficult for Edward because Bella still smells scrum-diddly-umptious, but for Edward it’s a case of “mind over matter.”

When Edward sets out to go home, Bella is whiney and emo — but not as emo as Edward, who admits he is incredibly jealous of the boys who like Bella. He also admits that the first night he came to watch Bella sleep was when Mike asked her to the dance. But when Bella said Edward’s name in her sleep, he KNEW she was the real thing. Bella is upset because she is uglier than Rosalie (and obviously dumber) and, to calm her, Edward offers to sing her to sleep (yummy, welcoming vampy breath a bonus here; a natural aphrodisiac).

Bella says she can’t sleep while he’s there, so he asks what she would like to do instead. Bow-chica-bowow. Without missing a beat, Bella jumps his bones… er… asks more questions about his family. (Lame.) But Bella DOES ask if vampires have sexy time, what marriage is like, and whether or not she and Edward could EVER bone. Answer: No, because he could break her. (Those are some powerful hips, Edward. Powerful indeed.) B-b-b-ut… does he find her attractive in that way? Does he want t-t-to give her a nice little slap and tickle? Would she like a little vampire in her? Answer: Yes, but it cannot EVER happen. So he hums her to sleep. Obviously, foreplay is also not an option.

Best Worst Lines

“I couldn’t picture it. This god-like creature sitting in my father’s shabby kitchen chair.” (292)

“His beauty lit up the kitchen. It was a moment before I could look away.” (293)

“‘If I could dream at all, it would be about you.'” (294)

“It was very difficult while he was touching me, to frame a coherent question.”  (299)

“Edward hadn’t moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.” (299)

“‘Bring on the shackles — I’m your prisoner.'” (302)

“I wanted to turn to him, to see if it was really his lips against my hair. But I had to be good; I didn’t want to make this any harder for him than it already was.” (308)

“He laughed, and then began to hum that same unfamiliar lullaby; the voice of an archangel soft in my ear.” (311)

“I drifted to sleep in his cold arms.” (311)   (Maybe Bella should invest in one of those ‘stay cool’ pillows. In case Edward cannot endearingly stalk her at night.)

Things That Really Irk Us

Bella thinks Edward spying on her at night is charming and a little cute. Wonder what she will think when James starts?

The constant, detailed, three-page descriptions of Bella’s personal hygiene habits and how long they take. We get it. “Bella took a shower and towel dried her hair” would suffice.

The pseudo-sexual angst. If this is what a Mormon wet dream is like, we’re glad we’re Catholic. To think that people were even remotely *excited* when this chapter happened worries us. We think there’s probably more sexual tension in an episode of Sesame Street.

“One thrust to end it all.” One thrust of Edward’s hips would be the end of Bella. That would end this series. That would be awesome, but we imagine the actual smut chapter will be very, very sad. This is the only reason we are even looking forward to the book when they actually do it. We’re sure that will be a good review.

Final Thoughts

Gag us. Not like, S&M, but really — kill us. All we keep wondering is how this sex stuff is going to go down. He doesn’t want to break her, so will he be at the other end of the room and aim meticulously to impregnate her? Does he have demon seed? And he’s got cold flesh, so we can’t imagine it would be very fun. The big question is: How much KY warming gel would it take to make a vampire warm? Ah, the POSSIBILITIES! (We’re sure we will be disappointed.)

Go to Chapter 15.

14 Responses to “14. Mind Over Matter”

  1. […] did some updating today, too! We added the next four (yes, four!) chapters. So go check out 14, 15, 16, and 17. Only a handful of chapters left to go! (Cue […]

  2. You’re read BD right? It’s established here that sexing a vampire will kill Bella, but in the final book they have sex while Bella is still human. Ugh, I think people only like this because it’s soft-core porn. That’s fine, but it annoys me when people say it’s, “OMG the best book EVAR.”

    I find the fact that Edward’s able to get away with stalking Bella and the fact that she finds it flattering deeply disturbing. What a lovely message to send to young women. I bet if Mike had been watching her sleep, she wouldn’t be so happy.

  3. We totally agree, Kate. The whole, “Oh, he’s stalking me, but he’s sooo dreamy so it’s okay” bit is beyond disturbing. In real life, Edward would be arrested, and probably get a restraining order put on him.

  4. I didn’t know he listened to 50s music… that is a down right insult to the 50s… being the classic moive buff I am. That makes me angry for no explicable reason… Gah.

    If Mrs. Meyer had ever watched the show Supernatural she would know the sound of an Archangel’s voice to human ears is a high pitched sound that makes your ear drums bleed and the sight of them causes your eyes to bleed… making you blind… nice going there Meyer… Nice going.

    Have you guys ever see Seseme Street? Burt and Ernie? Come on… Clearly somethin going on.

    17 bottles… that is just a guess.

    • YES! Supernatural has got the mythology right or at least 8 billion times closer than SMeyer….

  5. Haha, touche, Morganne, touche. Burt and Ernie are (or at least were back in the good ol’ days) extremely questionable. But we loved them anyway. Especially when Burt sang about his pigeons!

  6. LOL

  7. For the record, just because I feel obligated to state this- this is not a “Mormon” wet-dream. This is Stephanie Meyers totally making all Mormons look bad. I don’t really think I myself count as a Mormon, even though I grew up in a Mormon family and still attend church meetings so I can get cheap college education (well, cheap-er, anyway), but I still know a lot of people from the church.

    Funny story I just wanted to share with you guys- I attended a week-long creative writing class one summer at Brigham Young University in Utah… you know, the big Mormon college? They made us read the first book for the class; it was to help us learn the differences between various “writing styles”. It was insane how some of the girls tried to defend Meyers’ book.

    “Bella has no believable characterization whatsoever. She’s a cardboard-frikkin-cutout.”

    “Aww… she’s… she’s more like a cardboard box! That you can, you know… jump into! And, like… experience the story from!”

    I shit you not. That is what they said, as close to it as I can remember considering it happened over a year ago.

    And… this would probably be better sent as an e-mail, but it’s nearly six in the morning and I can’t be bothered to copy and paste.

    • People disturb us. Lol. That writing class sounds terrible!

      And, we assure you, we have nothing against Mormons, nor do we honestly generalize all Mormons based on SMeyer. (That would be doing them a disservice.) In fact, we know quite a few awesome Mormons. The “Mormon wet dream” comment was simply made in an attempt to be witty. No offense intended!

      • No offense taken at all. xD I just happen to know for a fact that sadly, there are a number of people who generalize their entire opinion of various religions- Mormonism, Catholicism, Wicca, anything really- based on just a few terrible examples. ^^; So I wanted to throw my two cents out there.

        And the writing class itself wasn’t terrible; it was just those token Twitards who happened to be in it and COULDN’T BEAR TO HEAR HONEST CRITICISM OMFG. xD

  8. So… I guess having sex with Edward would kind of be like having sex with a dolphin.

  9. Haha at least dolphins don’t sparkle

  10. Don’t make fun of Edward! He has trouble playing with a hula hoop!
    XD This website is AWESOME- finally, some snese in the world.

  11. Notice that this “relationship” was founded entirely on edward’s jealousy. He started stalking bella after he found out mike was interested in her. Reasons why anyone would like bella aside, jealousy is never a good foundation for a relationship.

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