14. Mind Over Matter

Chapter Synopsis

Bella and Edward are driving back after their sparkling day in the buttery sunshine. We discover that, along with Debussy, Edward likes 50’s music! (Obviously not human.) Edward takes the car ride home as an opportunity to tell Bella how his “family” came to be.

He was born in 1901, and Carlisle saved him from the Spanish Influenza when he was 17. Rosalie came next — she was intended to be Edward’s mate, but he wasn’t that into her. Next was Emmett, who was more fond of Rosalie in an I-really-wanna-bone-you sort of way than Edward had been. Alice and Jasper followed. Jasper belonged to another family, Alice (who doesn’t remember her human life at all) found him, and they went together to join Carlisle and his family. We find out there is another “vegetarian” vampy family in Alaska. 

Once back at the Swan house, Bella invites Edward inside while she eats. (Dun-dun-dunnnnnn.) Edward somehow knows where the spare key is hidden, and he admits to stalking Bella in the past. Bella, of course, is flattered by this, and it makes her giddy to know Edward comes to her room and watches her sleep at night. … Bella is a bit worried — not because he wants to eat her, but because she talks in her sleep and is afraid she may have revealed her feelings about Edward.

Charlie returns home, Edward disappears, and Charlie grills Bella about the boys in town. Bella evades the conversation, and heads up to her room where Edward is waiting, laying across her bed (fully clothed, of course). Edward spends the night! (SCANDAL!)  This is difficult for Edward because Bella still smells scrum-diddly-umptious, but for Edward it’s a case of “mind over matter.”

When Edward sets out to go home, Bella is whiney and emo — but not as emo as Edward, who admits he is incredibly jealous of the boys who like Bella. He also admits that the first night he came to watch Bella sleep was when Mike asked her to the dance. But when Bella said Edward’s name in her sleep, he KNEW she was the real thing. Bella is upset because she is uglier than Rosalie (and obviously dumber) and, to calm her, Edward offers to sing her to sleep (yummy, welcoming vampy breath a bonus here; a natural aphrodisiac).

Bella says she can’t sleep while he’s there, so he asks what she would like to do instead. Bow-chica-bowow. Without missing a beat, Bella jumps his bones… er… asks more questions about his family. (Lame.) But Bella DOES ask if vampires have sexy time, what marriage is like, and whether or not she and Edward could EVER bone. Answer: No, because he could break her. (Those are some powerful hips, Edward. Powerful indeed.) B-b-b-ut… does he find her attractive in that way? Does he want t-t-to give her a nice little slap and tickle? Would she like a little vampire in her? Answer: Yes, but it cannot EVER happen. So he hums her to sleep. Obviously, foreplay is also not an option.

Best Worst Lines

“I couldn’t picture it. This god-like creature sitting in my father’s shabby kitchen chair.” (292)

“His beauty lit up the kitchen. It was a moment before I could look away.” (293)

“‘If I could dream at all, it would be about you.'” (294)

“It was very difficult while he was touching me, to frame a coherent question.”  (299)

“Edward hadn’t moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.” (299)

“‘Bring on the shackles — I’m your prisoner.'” (302)

“I wanted to turn to him, to see if it was really his lips against my hair. But I had to be good; I didn’t want to make this any harder for him than it already was.” (308)

“He laughed, and then began to hum that same unfamiliar lullaby; the voice of an archangel soft in my ear.” (311)

“I drifted to sleep in his cold arms.” (311)   (Maybe Bella should invest in one of those ‘stay cool’ pillows. In case Edward cannot endearingly stalk her at night.)

Things That Really Irk Us

Bella thinks Edward spying on her at night is charming and a little cute. Wonder what she will think when James starts?

The constant, detailed, three-page descriptions of Bella’s personal hygiene habits and how long they take. We get it. “Bella took a shower and towel dried her hair” would suffice.

The pseudo-sexual angst. If this is what a Mormon wet dream is like, we’re glad we’re Catholic. To think that people were even remotely *excited* when this chapter happened worries us. We think there’s probably more sexual tension in an episode of Sesame Street.

“One thrust to end it all.” One thrust of Edward’s hips would be the end of Bella. That would end this series. That would be awesome, but we imagine the actual smut chapter will be very, very sad. This is the only reason we are even looking forward to the book when they actually do it. We’re sure that will be a good review.

Final Thoughts

Gag us. Not like, S&M, but really — kill us. All we keep wondering is how this sex stuff is going to go down. He doesn’t want to break her, so will he be at the other end of the room and aim meticulously to impregnate her? Does he have demon seed? And he’s got cold flesh, so we can’t imagine it would be very fun. The big question is: How much KY warming gel would it take to make a vampire warm? Ah, the POSSIBILITIES! (We’re sure we will be disappointed.)

Go to Chapter 15.