8. Dead Yet?

8. Waiting For The Damn Fight To Start Already

Chapter Synopsis

Jacob is moody. Paul is in his house, eating his Doritos, and Jacob breaks his nose just for funsies. Apparently, though she’s never been mentioned before, Jacob has a sister — Rachel — and Paul has imprinted on her. This is just another bullet point on this list of things bugging Jake. The main thing bothering him, though, is wondering incessantly about Bella. Jacob is convinced that any day now they’ll get the call from Charlie about Bella being dead. Maybe she’ll “die” in a small plane crash, or a fire, or some freak accident, and then all the Cullens will disappear. Or maybe she’ll really die; maybe Edward will kill her trying to change her (or while fucking her). Jacob ponders over whether they’ll bring the body back.

Jacob is almost looking forward to such a call from Charlie. Because whether Edward changes Bella or actually kills her, that will be a breach of the treaty. Which will mean a fight with the Cullens. He’s all for making the first move – they could attack the Cullens tonight! That would surely bring Edward back, and then Jacob could take him on. But Sam won’t hear of it, because there’s no proof the Cullens have done anything wrong.

Jacob lays on his bed for a while, brooding and listening to random details of the outside world. To escape from his thoughts and Paul’s annoying laughter in the next room, Jacob eventually slips out his window (shirtless, as usual), and heads for the beach. Here, he finds Quil playing with Claire (remember, the two-year-old that he “imprinted” on?).

SMeyer writes Claire’s baby-talk in an extremely annoying fashion, and Jake describes how Quil’s role in the girl’s life now is that of a glorified nanny. He feels almost bad that Quil has to wait 14 years for Claire to be his age (remember, wolfboys don’t age), and asks Quil if he ever thinks about dating, you know, just until Claire hits puberty. Quil of course could NEVER do this — Claire-bear is his ONE AND ONLY!!! Jacob can understand – he can’t look at other girls, either, with Bella on his mind.

Then Sam sends up a howl from the forest, and Jacob takes off to see what’s up. There’s phasing and running and mind-fighting with Leah, and more running. When all the wolves are gathered (minus Quil, who has to take Claire to the Clearwaters’, and Jared, who’s having some super-happy-fun-time with his lady friend Kim), Sam basically confirms Jacob’s fears — Charlie has called Billy.

Apparently, Edward and Bella returned from their honeymoon, and Bella is “sick” with some mysterious South American disease. Carlizze has her “quarantined,” and even Charlie can’t go to visit. We, as readers, of course know that Bella is not a bloodsucker, but is instead impregnated with some mutant demon sperm. But the pack assumes that Bella has been bitten and changed, and this is the cover story. Jacob assumes Bella will eventually “die” from this disease, and then the Cullens will run away, taking a very different Bella with them. Jacob wonders if they’ll have a fake funeral.

Jake is ready to leave right then to go attack the Cullens. But the rest of the pack — Sam included — aren’t so sure. There’s still no concrete proof that Bella is now a sparklepire — maybe she really is just sick. Maybe Eddie’s glitter-glue gave her a tummy ache.

Sam is skeptical of the validity of the treaty in this case. He contests that, if Bella has been changed, it was voluntarily; she made a choice. Sam says the Cullens clearly pose no threat to the pack, or to the people of Forks. And, as Alpha Male, it’s Sam’s duty to do what’s best for his pack — even if this means ignoring the finer points of the treaty. So he says the pack is NOT going hunting at the Cullen house.

Jacob gets pissed, and leaves the meeting. He runs home, and phases back into a real boy. And it’s then that he makes his decision: The pack may be unable to attack the Cullens. But that doesn’t mean he can’t go at it alone.

Best Worst Lines

“He heard where I was going and shoved the bag behind his back. The bag crackled as he smashed it into the cushion. The chips crunched into pieces.”   (We really don’t need this much detail. Really.)

“Bada bing, bada boom — true love!”

“I wondered — would a bullet through my temple actually kill me or just leave a really big mess for me to clean up?” (148)   (Yet another reference to suicidal thoughts. Awesome.)

“My head was too crazy. The thoughts bounced around inside my skull like a disoriented swarm of bees. Noisy. Now and then they stung. Must be hornets, not bees. Bees died after one sting. And the same thoughts were stinging me again and again.”

“Maybe he’d smashed her like a bag of chips in his drive to get some?”

“Of course, I had forever to look. If you had forever, you could check out every single piece of straw in the haystack, one by one, to see if it was the needle.” (150)   (Umm.. you would not find straw in a haystack, SMeyer. That’s why it’s called a HAYstack. Dumbass.)

“’Gone, gone, gone,’ Claire sang, ‘Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaawl day. Cwaire nebber gowin home.’”   (This is so unnecessary it’s not even funny. This child must be plagued with a serious speech impediment.)

Things That Really Irk Us

The obvious attempts SMeyer is making to have Jacob’s narration “sound” different from Bella’s. This just winds up with her trying to make him sound like some fucked-up version of Holden Caulfield, with his “It made me real sympathetic” and “He grinned at me then – real slow” lines. He also uses a ton of unnecessary contractions. Weird ones, too, like contracting every phrase that contains “had” or “would.” Like: “he’d” this, “she’d” that, “Embry’d” blah blah blah. This was really bothering us, until like the third page, where she basically goes back to writing in the same style as the rest of the book. Fail.

Jacob really just needs to get over Bella. Or get laid.

Claire and her baby-talk and Quil’s relationship with her. It all irks us. But mostly the baby-talk stuff. No child actually sounds that dumb when they speak. SMeyer just makes us hate this little girl.

Final Thoughts

Can Jacob PLEASE have a go at Edward?

Also, we’re mildly curious to find out how Bella is going to guilt the Cullens into not giving her a shma-shmorshin. Our vote is to just shove a rusty coat hanger up there. Do it dirty.

Go to Chapter 9.
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29 Responses to “8. Dead Yet?”

  1. […] go on to Chapter 8. Please note that we’re re-writing the chapter titles in this section of the book. […]

  2. I’m lost trying to figure out how a book has… books within it. My brain aches. By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense.

    Then again, this is just some lackluster, shoddy excuse not to write Bella pregnant, not to explain any of the things a pregnant woman would go through. Nope, just skips from sex to baby in ten chapters.

    God I want to beat this woman over the head with one of those sparkly freezer-dildos…

  3. The haystack comment was priceless. I laughed for a lot longer than I probably should have. Meyer is SUCH an idiot.

    This change in focus of the character is stupid. It follows no pattern. You shouldn’t ben be able to do this in the 4th book of a set! If she wanted to do this then do it all along, not just randomly when you want to avoid writing about something! IRKED and BOTHERED!

  4. My theory is that Smeyer originally wrote from Bella’s POV, but it was all “Pain! Blood! Gore!” And her editor was forced to come back to her and say, “This is a bit much for a Young Adult book. Could you try a different POV? So she did, and it was all, “Angst! Blood! Gore!” and the editor sighed and said, “Oh well, it’ll sell millions of copies anyway.”

  5. “’Gone, gone, gone,’ Claire sang, ‘Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaawl day. Cwaire nebber gowin home.’”

    OMG. This PAINS me. As a college student who studies kids for… erm, her course, this make me wanna cry. Kids do NOT talk like that. Okay, I’m really really annoyed to the point of… extreme annoyance. *fumes, and calms down*

    that said, I want a shot gun and a portal into the Twilight world. I’m going to kill everyone naw.

    • Twilight World? I think you got that wrong, friend. Read what SMeyer posted on her official twilight site, the creepy obsessive Twilight world actually has grown into a whole UNIVERSE by now. It creeps me out that a series that doesn´t even have enough content to fill a few main characters with personality is being refered to as “universe”. Usually I´m not a violent person, but horrid writing makes me so… why don´t we just blow that whole “Twilight Universe” up? >.<

      • but… but that way they won’t suffer!
        And I want them to suffer.
        I’m just evil that way, sorry. Sometimes, violence is the only way to deal with that sort of abomination – fictional abominations, that is.

    • Fine, you can take a shotgun to Twilight world, just don’t kill anyone whose last name is Clearwater.

  6. SMeyer, thanks ever so much for the reminder of how creepy it is for a teenager to be “imprinted” on a two-year-old. Does it go both ways? If not, then what happens if Claire grows up and decides she doesn’t want to be a wolf’s girlfriend?

    • well, obviously, quil decides that his life must then end, so he shoots his own head off, and the next day it grows back, then that night he shoots it off again, and it grows back again, and so on…

      then the rest of the pack whines and guilt-trips claire into making out with quil. that is, if we wanted to follow the true spirit of Toilet.

    • If you think this instance of imprinting is creepy, just wait…

    • She can`t. It`s a love potion effect. The imprintee loses her free will and is forced to love the wolfie forever. In the process, she basically loses her ability to think for herself. Ain`t love beautiful?

  7. This imprinting business has made me feel so skeezy ever since it was mentioned in the last book. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Just one of the many things that is wrong in SMeyer’s head.

  8. Jacob has two sisters. They’re mentioned in the first book. But yeah, I had forgotten about them until now, because they were never mentioned again.

    I just finished reading this monstrosity. Thank GOD. It’s over. I am free. And I need porn.

  9. Ha! I thought that these long titles were parodizing the originals. But I checked, and… no. They are the originals. Wow. (With four syllables.)

    • Heh, yeah, we’re definitely not capable of such horrendously long chapter titles on our own! Which is why we opted to take the liberty to shorten them in our own words…

      • Much more creative than those from the book. “Dead yet?” can refer to Bella, Edward, all of the characters, SM… *daydreams*

  10. STRAW in a HAYstack!! xDDD This is epic!!! Really, it never stops getting worse.

  11. “’Gone, gone, gone,’ Claire sang, ‘Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaawl day. Cwaire nebber gowin home.’”
    For the longest time I couldn’t see what was wrong with this sentence, I had to study it and say it out loud to myself before I could it. *headdesk*
    I can understand Claire not being able to say “with” (that “th” sound is hard), and MAYBE “never going” maybe, but the rest… that’s just sad.

  12. Hi there, have you heard of Alex Day on Youtube? His usename is Nerimon and he reads the first book – he’s hilaaaaarious! Anyways check it out he’s only at chapter 18 now.

    • Yes, we have heard of him! We’ve got a link to his YouTube stuff in our “Just For Laughs” section. You’re right — he’s hilarious!!!

  13. Well, at least Claire’s probably one of the LEAST annoying female character in this series.

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