16. TMI

16. Too-Much-Information Alert

Chapter Synopsis

Jacob leaves his post as Bella’s heating pad just before dawn. He and Leah take off to scout deeper in the woods, to check if it’s safe for the Cullens to make a hunting trip. They find no signs of Sam and his pack, which means they must be sticking close to La Push, as Jacob predicted.

Leah eventually thanks Jacob for letting her stay, and sincerely tells him that he makes a good Alpha. He tells her she’s not as annoying as she used to be. Then Leah asks if she can stay with Jacob when this mess is over; when he’s planning to “go wolf” and take to the forest on his own again after Bella snuffs it. Leah promises she won’t be a pain, and points out how much happier she is away from Sam. Jacob tells her he’ll have to think about it.

On the way back, Jake and Leah come upon a pack of deer. Jacob, having lived “all-wolf” for a while, tries to help Leah tap into her animalistic side in order to kill and eat their dinner (since Leah’s all, “ewww, gross, raw meat”). It helps, and the two share a moment of bloody bonding. Awww.

Then they talk about Bella. Leah can understand how Jacob feels — how it’s hard to be around Bella, but also hard to be away from her. Jacob suggests Leah rethink her decision to stay with him in the future, because his head isn’t going to be a very cheery place after he loses Bella. But Leah says she’d rather deal with Jake’s pain than her own. Plus, she understands what he’ll be going through, more or less.

Then there’s much talk of genetic dead-ends and imprinting. Leah says she can commiserate with Rosalie about not being able to ever have pups. She also reminds Jacob of why Sam thinks they imprint — to have the best chance of passing on the werewolf gene. But, Leah says, she must not be good enough, because Sam didn’t imprint on her, and now she’s just a “girlie-wolf” freak who’s menopausal at 20. Jacob tries to make Leah feel better. Why would she want anybody to imprint on her anyway? What’s the matter with falling in love like a normal person? Blah blah blah. The conversation grinds to a halt when Leah admits she’d do the same thing in Rosalie’s situation; she understands the desperate urge to have what you can’t have.

Jacob, having had enough of this conversation, phases back into human form and returns to the Cullen house. Bella is upstairs being X-rayed again; Alice tells Jake the demon fetus appears to have broken mommy’s pelvis. Edward eventually carries an extra pale Bella — still clutching her cup of blood — back downstairs.

Jake informs Carlizzle that the woods are safe for hunting, so Jasper, Emmett, Alice, Esme and Carlisle take off. Carlizzle is also going to try to get his hands on some more blood for Bella. Jake had planned to go get some sleep, but decides he’d much rather stink up the Cullen house and harass Blondie with some more jokes. Plus, Bella doesn’t want him to leave.

And then something magical happens. Edward begins reading the demon baby’s thoughts! Baby is happy. Baby likes Mommy and Daddy’s voices. And Baby LOVES Mommy. It’s all quite sickening. We also learn of plans for names — EJ for a boy (Edward Jacob, we’re assuming), and Renesmee for a girl (mixing Renee and Esme, naturally).

Jacob shares our sentiments on this moment, and is completely sickened. And crestfallen. As he watches Edward crouched over Bella’s belly, cooing at the little monster inside her, Jacob realizes he’s now all alone in his hatred for the thing.

Edward, sensing Jacob’s pain and angry thoughts, tosses him a set of car keys, and tells him to get out of there for a while.

Best Worst Lines

“And I was all alone with my hatred and the pain that was so bad it was like being tortured. Like being dragged slowly across a bed of razor blades. Pain so bad you’d take death with a smile just to get away from it.”

Things That Really Irk Us

Well, the Jacob-Leah-bonding-time was slightly overdone. But whatever. We understand it’s SMeyer’s weak attempt to make Leah look a little less bitchy.

The thing that REALLY irks us is the entire end of the chapter, where Edward reads Baby’s thoughts, and is suddenly ga-ga over it. All that pain and suffering, and suddenly he loves the thing that’s killing his wife simply because he can mind-read it? Oh, but we forgot, Baby LOVES Mommy. Good lord.

Final Thoughts

We wonder which ridiculous expensive car Jacob will zoom off in? And how angsty will he get now?

Go to Chapter 17.

20 Responses to “16. TMI”

  1. […] 16. TMI […]

  2. Wow… I can’t even… the baby thing is just… this whole thing has really lost me. This doesn’t even seem like the same story anymore, does it? Doesn’t it seem completly different? Before it was just bad relationship and awkwardness and bad writing. Now it’s just disgusting… and not at all entertaining. It doesn’t even seem fun to make fun of anymore.

    I hand it to you guys for sticking out, really. I’ll keep reading as long as you continue to put your minds on the line to read this dribble. I’m glad you both still retain your sanity.

    • Indeed, we’ll be here for your guys to support you if you ever go mad from reading this crap. 🙂

      Also, what’s up with the ugly ass names? Jeez, poor baby.

      • in the first book, didn’t bella comment on how strange and unpopular the name ‘edward’ is? but now eddie is her HUBBY, so it would be insulting to him if the demon spawn weren’t named after him. this chapter is gross and emo. eddie LOVES the spawn now, even tho it’s beating up his wife from the inside…. ew!

        are there any characters who don’t have suicidal thought at one point? even esme tried to off herself, and carlisle almost starved himself when he first changed. now jacob is mentioning how he’d…ah… “take death with a smile”. and, of course, bella and eddie have pretty much been shoving past each other so as to do themselves in before the other got a chance. all for LOVE!!!
        what an awesome message to send 12 year old girls.

    • Well thanks for sticking with us! We appreciate it. And we THINK we’ve retained most of our sanity thus far… Haha. Time will tell.

  3. If imprinting is based on genetics and fertility, how the crap does a werewolf imprint on a human-vampire crossbreed? Oh, wait, I’m using logic again. Silly me.

    • That´s right, close down your mind before the story makes it die. There is no such thing as “logic” or “consequences” in happy-let-me-barf Twilight World.
      … Right, I forgot. SMeyer actually started refering to it as “Twilight Universe”. I doubt the actual content of the whole series would be enough to fill a tea cup, let alone a whole universe. >.>

  4. I have too many problems with this chapter in particular to name them all, but chief among them are these:
    1. Does Leah not get to imprint on anybody because she’s female? I still don’t understand how that works – wouldn’t females also have a biological imperative to add to the next generation of little wolf puppies?
    2. I don’t know about this, because I’ve never been pregnant, but exactly how many X-rays can a pregnant person get without harming the baby, even if it is a demon-spawn?
    3. Bella clutching her cup of blood. *Gag* I had to throw out my coffee after reading that. Thanks awfully, SMeyer.

    • Also, if Edward can read demon-baby’s thoughts, why can’t he tell the gender of said demon?

    • I have learned not to use logic while discussing her books. Particularly because she decided that Rosalie would have remained rich through the depression because her father was a banker… yep. Way to go SMeyer.

      So I just read this wondering if her editior and publisher are both just realy stupid or if they’ve given up on good literature selling well and have just decided to go along for the ride…

      • Yeah, we’re pretty sure that the publisher just gave up, knowing that this shit would sell millions regardless of how ridiculous the ending got. Let’s face it — once the TwiHards read the first books and loved them, they were going to read all the way to the end no matter what. So SMeyer just went crazy. Well, crazier than she previously was, at least.

    • with the x-rays = great point. Actually, I don’t think pregnant people are even allowed in the x=ray rooms in the radiology department if they’re pregnant – that’s why they always ask if you are, because it would harm the baby.

      Hey, whadaya know, maybe that’s why renesmee is a little screwy – because she mutated from too much x-rays.

      • That’s what I thought! Isn’t SMeyer a mom? If so, wouldn’t she know that one can’t be X-rayed while pregnant? I don’t understand… The stupid – it’s overpowering…

  5. Maybe Edward loves the demon spawn because it’s killing Bella. After all he’s been taking great joy at tearing her down all through the series.

    “The baby is causing Bella great pain and suffering but she still loves it. It’s just like its daddy!”

    • You’ve got a point here, but that would be too logical for the series. Sadly, we’re all overeducated here, with yet undamaged brains. Which is a great drawback to enjoy this… umm… so-called book.

  6. Wow. What a VAST amount of stupidity in only one chapter. New record. Bella, with a broken rib and pelvis, is still conscious (even if she was constantly fainting in the previous books), and still able to give birth to the little hellspawn. Carlizzle using x-rays to examine the fetus, instead of ultrasound, for instance. Anyway, does he have a complete maternity ward upstairs? It must be a huge house.
    But the most shocking was Edward reading the fetus’s thoughts. Of course, the tiny demon baby is perfectly self-conscious and has concepts of “love”, “mammy”, “daddy” etc. Well, she’s eventually killing her blood-sipping bitch of a mother, but she loves her!!! How very touching. Even creepier than stalking Ed. And the teeth – oh , the teeth. At that part I began to headbutt the keyboard. This is far beyond ridiculous. Far beyond disgusting. Far beyond crazy. SM, you never disappoint us. Every chapter a new low. Congratulations.

    • I haven’t read this book yet, but is the baby going to emerge out of Bella as a 4 yr old or something? because the kid knows those concepts. O.o
      And the whole breaking of bones is ridiculous. I don’t even understand how Bella seems to not be in a constant state of pain, and how the painkillers is NOT affecting her pregnancy.

      I just don’t know anymore. How many fails does a book series need in order to sell? T.T

      • Countless, as it seems…
        Frankly, I have absolutely no idea how this series could make its way to being published. Maybe they have mixed it up with another book.

  7. The thing about this book that bothers me the most is how unnatural and forced everything feels. The baby, Jake’s imprinting, the ending. None of it fits. SMeyer tried shoving it all in, but the way she does it makes this book even worse. It’s like it’s not even the same series.

    • Yeah, the last book is weird. I think having Jacob randomly narrating things makes it feel out of place. You’re right in saying that it feels like it’s not even the same series.

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