Our Own Film Commentary

While we watched the movie this time, we had a tape recorder going. Spider Monkey transcribed the whole thing afterward (she deserves an unending supply of cookies for this, P.S.), and so we thought we’d share some of our musings exactly as they came to us while watching.

Disclaimer – some of these comments may be a tad inappropriate and/or offensive. Consider yourself warned.

Some Things To Note:

For ease of typing, Destroying Angel will be abbreviated “DA” and Spider Monkey “SM.”

Any time one of our comments is in “quotes,” just imagine it being said in a high-pitched voice laced with a bad British accent in order to make fun of somebody. Why a British accent? We have no idea; it just happens.

We watched this movie not long after watching Jimmy Fallon’s “Robert is Bothered” videos. Hence the over-use of “BOTHERED!”

Here’s how this will work: We’ll give you a brief description of the scene we’re commenting on. Then we’ll post the comments, just as we said them while watching the film. And then you will laugh. A lot.

Okay. Ready, GO!

  • The scene where Charlie is introduced, and Bella checks out her new digs:

SM: Bitch. Stop complaining. … Chief of police; it would only be more cliché if he was the sheriff.

DA: Or constable. … I like awkward dad moments.

SM: She’s still clutching that little cactus. … Want a sprinkle cookie?

(We take a sprinkle cookie break.)

SM: Sharing a bathroom with Dad… awkward.

DA: “I got you this lamp.”

SM: “He doesn’t hover.”… What is that line?? … And here are Billy and Jacob.

DA: (Giggling) I don’t wanna laugh at handicapped people.

SM: Jacob’s teeth are so white! … And now Charlie and Billy are play-fighting. Really awkwardly.

DA: It’s like that scene in “Eagle Vs Shark.”

SM: I wonder if the kid playing Jacob’s incisors are really that long, or if they gave him fake ones to make him look more dog-like? Look at them!

SM: Was that supposed to be Bella being clumsy? Because I’m pretty sure she just opened the door and hit Jacob. That’s not her being clumsy, that’s just Jacob being stupid.

DA: Everybody’s stupid in this movie.

SM: True.

DA: Jacob’s hair bothers me.

SM: Yeah, that’s a bad wig. … So wait, did he just explain to her that the truck’s a stick shift? And she didn’t even know what the clutch was? How the hell is she driving it? She’s not that smart.

DA: Driving an old clutch car is really easy, didn’t you know? Everyone’s born with that skill.

  • Bella’s first day of school, where she meets all her future non-friends:

SM: It bothers me that her two friends who work on the newspaper come off as desperate losers. Why is that?

DA: And they’re Asian.

SM: Oh, Mike Newton.

DA: You are awkward.

SM: Mike is just as pale as she is.

DA: Oh my God, emo.

SM: Bella, you suck at making jokes.

DA: Fuck you, Jessica. She’s even more annoying in the movie than in the books. Which means this actress is doing a good job. That’s just scary. BOTHERED!

SM: Why did he [Eric] just call her his homegirl? And why did the kid who made fun of her truck three minutes ago just kiss her on the cheek? Mike chased him.

DA: What?

SM: Mike chased him.

DA: Oh, I thought you said ‘Mike tasted him.’

SM: Oh, well, maybe that, too.

DA: Why did he [Eric] call her baby?

SM: P.S. Such a small school would NOT have a swim team.

DA: Fact. They might have bowling.

  • Bella meets Edward in Biology:

SM: The biology scene! Ready for it? And I jizz in mah pants!

DA: Conveniently-placed fan.

SM: We wish he would have just bitten her.

DA: And eaten her, not turned her. Dead. Dead, dead.

  • Bella talks to Eddie for the first time:

(Both burst out laughing when Edward says “Hello.”)

DA: He’s a robot.

SM: He’s staring at her. It’s creepy. No, wait, I forgot – it’s extremely attractive and hot and I want to touch myself.

DA: He’s like a God, chiseled from stone!

SM: His arms aren’t even nice. … His eyes are butterscotch golden. Mmm, look at them. Liquid topaz.

DA: Molten amber.

SM: It’s a good thing Bella dislikes cold, wet things. Because she can’t play with Edward’s. … Do vampires have 5 o’clock shadows?

DA: That’s a good question.

SM: I feel like they shouldn’t.

DA: My question she still hasn’t answered: Do vampires bleed?

SM: Edward’s totally wearing lipstick in this scene. And there are the topaz eyes again.

DA: Your eyelashes suck!

SM: Bella totally wants him. … Tiny little grey t-shirt. I thought he was supposed to dress better? Isn’t he supposed to look like a model?

DA: Maybe he’s a Hanes model today.

SM: Okay.

DA: “I do not understand emotion?”

SM: Maybe he’s got Ausberger’s.

DA: He’s speaking in that lingo from another time that I don’t understand.

SM: “Cadences from another century.” … The fluorescents! Scuttle away, Eddie.

DA: Bella is confused. And emo.

  • Field trip scene:

DA: “Compost is cooooool!” Eric is fisting the compost bin. Ha. Oh, Christ. Fucking high school.

SM: Edward’s been eavesdropping. Mind eavesdropping. … What the fuck is the, “You can Google it” line? Really?

DA: “Worrrmms! My worm’s bigger than yours!” God. They’re so dumb.

SM: Dude, Edward, YOU just walked up to HER to tell her you can’t be friends. … Popped collar on the pea coat. And Jasper (laughs)… I just have to giggle every time.

SM: Quil-yoot!!! That’s how you say it!

DA: I told you! I still prefer “Fuckin’ Indians” though.

SM: Me too.

  • At La Push:

DA: They don’t surf in the books.

SM: You know why they don’t surf in the books? Because Stephanie Meyer didn’t do her fucking research. Because when they went to film the movie, the realized, oh, hey, they DO surf at La Push. Let’s put it in the movie. Bella could have done that as her dangerous activity in the next book.

DA: Jacob!

SM: I wonder if that’s Quil and Embry? God, I hate it that we know these things.

DA: Good lord, droopy eyes.

SM: Droopy-eyed Indian boy. And so he spake. With droopy eyes.

(“They don’t come here.” “What does that mean?”)

SM: What do you think it means???

DA: It’s cryptic!

SM: Maybe they don’t like the ocean. … Jacob’s teeth are soooo white!

DA: I saw him the other day in “Shark Boy and Lava Girl.”

(“Like wolves? Real wolves?”)

SM: No, Bella, the fake ones. … I like the wolf masks they’re running in. So realistic.

DA: Why are they in like 70’s garb?

SM: They’re what YOU would call… vampires.

DA: Like… real vampires?

SM: Oooh, ja.

DA: (In a Minnesoota accent) Doon’t cha know? Can you see Russia from La Push?

(Lots of laughter)

DA: I wish there was a pirate gang in this.

  • It’s sunny outside!:

SM: It’s sunny!

DA: But Bella is still so pasty.

SM: So, I feel like it’s fall. It would not be warm enough so far north to be wearing a tank top.

DA: You’d be surprised – it’s Washington.

SM: Oh, Angela.

DA: You’re adorable.

SM: We like you.

DA: I like her in the book, too, I have to admit.

SM: Jessica, you are still a bitch.

DA: And that shirt makes her look preggos.

  • Going to the restaurant in Port Angeles:

DA: He’s so dreamy.

SM: They are dazzled!

DA: That’s one of the most awkward goodbyes I’ve ever seen in my life.

SM: “So, uh, we’ll, uh… see you, uh, tomorrow.”

DA: Commence text messaging.

SM: “OH EM GEEEE!” … That waitress is NOT hot.

DA: Fact.

SM: What is with her bangs? Goo!

DA: They are sort of frightening. It’s like 90 percent of her hair. Maybe she has a really big top of her head.

  • At dinner:

SM: I feel like the way Edward talks in this movie sounds nothing like someone from another century.

DA: Yeah, he sounds like a prick.

SM: He sound like someone with, I dunno, a really bad American accent.

DA: He is from the motherland, so we’ll give him that.

SM: True. He totally should have just kept his accent. Stephenie Meyer should have written Edward with a sweet accent. Come on, everyone knows that guys with accents are way cooler.

SM: Topaz eyes…

DA: My birthstone. Fuck you.

  • Waylan got dead!:

SM: So do you think these attacks are supposed to make the movie seem more ominous? Because they don’t.

DA: Obvious is the correct word. Poorly written.

SM: Yeah, not very suspenseful.

DA: Hey, I am at the edge of my frickin’ seat!!

SM: You’re sitting on the floor…

DA: Look how intense this has gotten – I’ve hardly done any knitting!

SM: That’s ‘cause you fucked it up earlier.

  • Bella figures out what Eddie-kins really is:

SM: Oh my! Bella is figuring it out! Somehow. With flashes of… dead feet, pale skin, and the lunch table. She knooowwsss!!!! Now she knows. I don’t know how those correlate…

DA: I wish she would have been there to write my dissertation for me.

SM: Well, you know, Stephenie Meyer would have just made shit up.

DA: Oh wait! She did! And then got it published. And then fucking sold it to people to eat their souls.

SM: Here we go… the interwebs search. Undead. Speed. Strength. Cold-skinned.

DA: Go back now! Your stomach is going to rip apart. Holes! And nothingnesssssss.

  • Random scene in the parking lot:

SM: I really like this song, though. It makes me kind of upset. But not when it climaxes with Edward and his pea coat, though.

DA: You said climax in his pea coat…

(Laughter ensues)

DA: That’s what she said.

SM: He’s following her. She smells so gooood! He wants to eat her. In a totally non-sexual way.

DA: He wants to OM-NOM her. Nom nom.

  • Bella telling Edward what she knows:

(“You’re impossibly fast. And strong.”)

DA: So strong I’d break if we fucked.

(“You talk like you’re from a different time.”)

SM: No. No, he does not!

DA: “You don’t pee…”

SM: Don’t you think a lot of those things would outweigh talking like he’s from a different time? You know, the fact that he doesn’t go out in the sun, doesn’t eat or drink. Wouldn’t those be clues number one two and three? And not the last few things she mentions?

DA: It just makes him cool and different. He’s really just  hipster.

(“I know what you are.” “Say it.”)

DA: You’re a puppy! Chupacabra!

SM: Isn’t he supposed to be pissed? And all, “You should be afraid!”

DA: Is that his pissed voice?

SM: Now he’s dragging her. Abuse! Wouldn’t he be like… breaking her arm?

DA: Spousal abuse already, and they haven’t even started dating.

  • Stepping into the buttery sunshine!:

SM: He’s taking off his clothes!! Squeeee!

DA: The sparkles… “I’m a freak. I ate glitter as a child. And paste. Now my hair’s stuck this way.”

SM: Oh, he’s so sad. But beautiful.

DA: So, if his nipples are hard, could you cut one off and make a diamond ring?

SM: Perhaps.

DA: Or if you have a vampy baby that sparkles and you get him circumcised…

(Much laughter)

SM: It’d only glitter in the sunlight, though.

DA: It’s a cool party trick. Gather up some UV rays and shine ‘em on your penis. That’s a real disco stick.

  • The meadow!!:

SM: This was our favorite chapter in the book.

DA: It was.

SM: Oh, the sunlight! There it is! Glitter, glitter. I really like the sound effect, too – windchimes! I wish my skin made that noise in the sunlight.

DA: It’s like a gem.

SM: So, can they hunt in the sunlight? Because I feel like if his skin made that noise, he would not be able to sneak up on and wrestle bears and mountain lions.

DA: Not very good camouflage. Maybe mountain lions like shiny stuff, and they come to him?

  • Going to school:

SM: Oh em gee! Bella’s in the Volvo. With her dreamy, pasty boyfriend with his dumb sunglasses.

DA: He must protect his eyes from UV rays. Just because he’s a vampire and immortal doesn’t mean he can’t get glaucoma. Or cataracts.

  • (“It wouldn’t be like drinking your blood, for instance.”):

SM: Why doesn’t that creep her out?

DA: He creeps himself out! Look, he’s like, shit, did I just say that?

  • In Eddie’s room:

SM: Bella’s so cultured.

DA: She’s from Arizona, duh.

SM: Oh, he wants to dance. Dancey dance.

DA: I dance in my boyfriend’s bedroom all the time to Claude Debussy.

  • The worst line:

SM: “Hang on tight, spider monkey.”

DA: (Laughs) I forgot about that!

SM: Wait, did we miss it? Did he already say it??

DA: No, not yet.

SM: Are you sure?

(We then realize that we’ve missed the Spider Monkey line, and rewind the movie.)

DA: He flies, ooo, like a squirrel!

SM: He also scurries up trees like a squirrel.

DA: (In a bad British accent) He doesn’t need a broomstick. It’s more efficient.

SM: Inn’it.

DA: BOTHERED!

  • Up in the trees:

(“This isn’t real.”)

SM: You are right. Because you are a figment of Stephenie Meyer’s imagination and wet dream.

DA: Ewww. Shit, I forgot about that.

SM: They’re sitting in the tree all romantic-like. Dude, her butt would totally be hurting by now from sitting on that skinny little branch.

DA: Maybe Kristen Stewart has a fatter ass than you think.

SM: Umm… isn’t Bella too clumsy to climb trees?

DA: He climbs them for her.

SM: To stand in trees? To sit in trees??

  • At the Cullen house, post ball game, when Carlisle is giving Rosalie a talking-to:

SM: Buurrrn, you got told, bitch.

DA: I must say, every time I’ve seen this movie, I look at her, and I’m like, “Dude, my ass looks like that in baseball pants, too.”

SM: Does it make you feel better that she’s supposed to be the most beautiful thing ever on this earth?

DA: Yes. She has my ass. It’s beautiful.

  • (“We’re going to go somewhere alone.”):

SM: Oooo, alone. Exotic.

DA: But no sexy time.

SM: Nope, no sexy time ever. Edward will break you with his penis.

DA: And thrusting hips. Of death.

SM: Uh huh, of death.

  • The scene in the ballet studio:

SM: This is the lamest vampire fight ever.

DA: But it won all those awards on MTV! It beat out the Joker and Batman, how does that happen?

SM: People who watch MTV suck. Look, that was the coolest thing that happened, and it was dumb; he got thrown into a window.

DA: It might have been cool if this was like… pre-Matrix.

SM: Maybe.

DA: Did Edward just like… bite his ear off?

SM: I think so.

DA: So he’s all Mike Tyson.

  • Talking about moving to Florida (in the hospital room):

DA: But Eddie can’t be in the sunshine! Everybody will want his sparkly skin! They’ll go vampire hunting for hide!

SM: To make into purses and belts!

DA: And hotpants, to go disco dancing!

  • Bella and Edward arguing in the hospital room. Bella stutters a lot:

(Laughter)

SM: Spit it out!!

(“You can’t say stuff like that to me.”)

SM: Ever! Don’t tell her to go ANYWHERE!

DA: “Bella, I’m going to the grocery store.”

SM: “Wh… a… I.. a.. uh.. n.. kdhasihdiawkwan!!! Don’t you say things to me like that!”

DA: “I’m going to buy you veggie burgers.”

  • Jacob “crashing” the prom:

DA: Why is he wearing a school uniform?

SM: I have no idea.

DA: His hair’s curly, too!

SM: He went and got it done. Maybe he slept with it in braids.

(Laughter)

DA: That hairline does nothing for his forehead. Or his nose.

  • Bella and Edward go outside into the gazebo:

DA: Cue pissing me off with frickin’ Iron and Wine because Kristen Stewart said so! That song, lyrically, it’s about a fucking cat. It’s about a cat! Coming home from the fair. And growing up. Have you ever listened to the lyrics? Yes.

SM: I believe you.

DA: It talks about pissing on magazines and like everything that you see from cat perspective.

SM: Well, it’s perfect.

DA: So romantic. … Talking about flightless birds; it’s a cat toy. A flightless bird, I am so serious! And so angry. So angry.

DA: Now see, the next song makes sense for Victoria’s character. I’m still pissed that they used it, though, because it’s Radiohead. And Radiohead is so much better than this. I do like Victoria’s hair, though. Win.

SM: She’s still got fur.

DA: She’s a classy lady. She was probably a prostitute before she got turned.

 

Annnnnd end scene. Click here to continue on to the Little Things That Really Irk Us.

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9 Responses to “Our Own Film Commentary”

  1. They used 2 Paramore songs on the album that really depressed me. Now I feel like I have to be a closeted Paramore fan because of these crappy movies. Worse yet… in the scene where Eddie and Bella come to school together Eddie is wearing MY sunglasses… I’ve had them for years… damn it.

    So many parts in this made me laugh so hard. Mike Tyson was hilarious!

  2. How the HELL could that fight scene beat Batman and the Joker?!!!

  3. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt multiple times.
    Just… so you know.

    • Hahaha. Thanks for letting us know. 🙂 We had the same reaction when we were transcribing all this. You don’t really realize the weird stuff you say until you listen to a recording of it a few days later… lol.

  4. “Thrusting hips of death.” Ha!

  5. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in my entire life!

    Kudos, I’ll be linking this to my friends for sure

    oh and about Victoria, I totally agree but honestly, I wish she could have killed Bella Point-Blank. She was the only mildly decent vampire in the books…

  6. I’m going to link your blog to mine! Thanx forever! BASH SOME TWIFUCKS WITH A HOCKEY STICK!

  7. I was watching the movie while reading this XD

  8. This is great! I’m never going to forgive you for the Asbergers thing, though.

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