22. Promised

Chapter Synopsis

Bella wants to know about Renesmee — everything about her. So Eddie-kins fills her in as they run hand-in-hand back home through the forest. She has a beating heart, and sleeps well. She has Mommy’s eyes, and Daddy’s skin. She drinks blood, and can’t be persuaded to drink formula. And yes, “persuaded” is the word used, because even though Baby can’t talk (yet), she can communicate “quite effectively.”

Bella learns that Jacob is still around, and is not suffering (though Edward says he could facilitate that last part). Bella gets angry that Edward is still threatening harm to Jakey-poo after everything. But Edward is just all, “Oh, you’ll see” and Bella continues being confused.

They race back to the house, after Edward lends Bella his shirt to cover up with after her wild hunt. When they get there, Jacob is waiting for them outside to test Bella’s control. Edward warns Jacob this probably isn’t a good idea, but Jake just says it’s better to test Bella around him first, as opposed to Renesmee — he at least heals quickly.

Bella isn’t sure what to think. Why is her hubby being so mean to Jacob? And is Jacob still her friend after everything that happened? But then he smiles that “smile of a kindred spirit,” and she knows she hasn’t lost him. But why hasn’t she? Sooo confuuuused.

There’s a bit of banter about Bella’s freaky eyes, and talk about the big secret that both Jake and Edward are keeping from her. But Jacob promises he’ll explain later, and tells Bella to come closer and “take a whiff.” At the edge of the forest, Leah and Seth sit in doggy form protectively. But they needn’t worry — Bella decides everyone has been right: He stinks.

Everyone has a good laugh, and Bella is about to press Jacob again about that secret, but then she is aware of Renesmee’s heartbeat just inside the house. Edward assures Bella she can finally see the baby, and Jacob all but freaks out with worry. But Bella can’t be troubled by his strange reaction now, not with the thought of finally getting to see Renesmee.

It takes pages and pages of vampires being extra cautious and Jake being protective and Bella being astounded at how pretty her stranger-child is across the rom. Edward assures everybody that wifey is fine, and then relays her feat of resisting the tasty-smelling hikers in the woods. Everyone ooos and ahhs about Bella’s speshul powers of self-control (we say she got ripped off), but Bella only wants to get close to her baby.

It takes forever, but eventually Mommy and Baby are reunited, though Jacob is right there, too, just in case. Bella discovers Renesmee’s method of communication — the baby reaches out and touches Bella’s face, and Bella is “shown” a memory of “the birth” in her head, from Renesmee’s perspective. Bella is overcome with warm, gooey feelings for her little nudger, who isn’t a stranger anymore.

Everyone is still on guard while Bella holds Renesmee — Jacob especially so. Edward warns him to settle down, and suddenly things click in Bella’s new mind: Jacob has imprinted on her baby.

Bella yells at Jacob, calling him a “stupid mutt,” blah blah blah, while everyone clears out of her way. They end up in the front yard, with Bella still yelling at Jacob. Jake tries to reason with her, promising he doesn’t love Renesmee “that way.” He only wants her to be safe and happy, and he can share her with Bella and Edward, too. There’s a lot of growling on Bella’s part. Everybody watching from the doorway comments on how controlled Bella is — Emmett even hands over some money to someone. But then Jacob calls the baby “Nessie,” and Bella flips.

Imprinting on her baby is okay. But nicknaming her after the Loch Ness Monster? Oh HELLZ no! And then Bella finally lunges for Jacob’s throat.

Best Worst Lines

“Renesmee’s fragrance was perfectly balanced right on the line between the scent of the most beautiful perfume and the scent of the most delicious food.”   (That’s how we hope our children smell someday.)

“’I’ve held her all of one time, and already you think you have some moronic wolfy claim to her?’” (449)

“’C’mon, Bells! Nessie likes me, too,’ he insisted.

I froze. My breathing stopped. Behind me, I heard the lack of sound that was their anxious reaction.

What… did you call her?’

Jacob took a step farther back, managing to look sheepish. ‘Well,’ he mumbled, ‘that name you came up with is kind of a mouthful and –‘

‘You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?’ I screeched.

And then I lunged for his throat.” (451)

Things That Really Irk Us

This chapter was waaaay too long considering how much doesn’t happen. Bella doesn’t try to eat Jacob. Bella doesn’t try to eat Renesmee. Edward doesn’t worry about anything. Yawn.

Bella’s reaction to finally “meeting” Renesmee is pretty lackluster. We still can’t really picture her as the motherly type, even if she does have a mutant baby with speshul powers. So the whole “revelation” of Bella realizing that Renesmee isn’t a stranger-child-nudger after all is kind of lost on us.

The fact that Bella only yells at and threatens Jacob upon learning that Jake has imprinted on her newborn, but then she attacks him when she hears that he’s calling Renesmee “Nessie.” Perhaps you shouldn’t have given your child such a stupid name to begin with. Then you wouldn’t have this problem, you dumbass.

Final Thoughts

This book still has more than a dozen chapters left in it. We are baffled — what else can possibly happen? (Or, not happen, since things like action and plot don’t exist in the “Twilight universe.”)

Go to Chapter 23.

21 Responses to “22. Promised”

  1. How boring. And pathetic. I mean… She only goes to attack him after he called her baby Nessie? I’m offended! For a Sparklepire, Bella is such a monster hater. Oh, but they’re not /really/ monsters, are they? No, they’re rejects from Fairyland (how I explain the sparkling).

    Keep up the good work! There’s no way I could’ve read through this drivel without you!

  2. Bella has no call to be so damn sensitive about her daughter’s nickname, especially considering she gave her the stupidest name inmaginable. If she wanted to honor her mother and Edward’s “mother”, fine. Call her “Renee Esme” or “Esme Renee”. Don’t go for some awful made-up modgepodge of both names.

    As for what will happen in the remaining chapters, I can’t even imagine. Kudos to you guys for sticking with it!

  3. LOL. I am very amused that Bella ACTUALLY says the Loch Ness Monster bit. That to me is VERY funny. I can see KStew saying that in the movie. If she does there will be much laughing.

    12 CHAPTERS!?! Let me take a stab at this. Nessie grows up, Jake starts to get horney, Bella and Eddie still live happily having tons of sex we never see, and there is no other conflict what so ever. That should about cover it.

  4. Esme Renee is actually quite a pretty name. I still dont see why they couldn’t of used the middle/second name device though…

    • i’ve read the book(most wasted time of my life). she can’t use up the middle name because she already had one planned…its another combo, but not as stupid as renesmee. i wont “ruin” the surprise though 🙂

    • btw, i also like Esme Renee much better

    • We also can’t have Esme Renee because SMeyer is far too clumsy a writer to handle two characters with the same first name. I can see it now: “Esme–the baby, not the adult–looked at Bella…”

      • And you know how ticked she would be if someone DARED to call her Ezzy

  5. i’ve always liked the nickname Nessie…but only when it’s short for Vanessa. Renesmee is just a really weird name. i had to sound it out to figure out how to say it.

    still, this makes me oddly excited to see the movie thing. i really don’t get how they’re going to suddenly make KStew even paler…

  6. So…in Bella-land, borderline paedophilic-attachment to her newborn baby is ok, but coming up with dumb nicknames isn’t?
    And also, BITCH, you didn’t even CARE about the baby! You forgot all about her to run into the woods and play sexy-time with Eddie McSparkles! And suddenly you’re all like, “waaaaaaah you called my baby something stupid! I KEEL U NOW!”
    FAIL. Just… fail.

    My only hope is that the final twelve chapters feature an angry mob with pitchforks…

  7. Another thing…Edward is heaps older than Bella, so really, what’s her deal?

  8. Oh yeah! Finally! Fight, Jacob, fight! KILL HER!!!

  9. You know what? This chapter, nay this WHOLE ENTIRE SERIES is the most horrible piece of so called literature that I ever forced myself to endure – but I think we all should at least thank our lucky stars that Renesme didn’t have a twin. We could have been in for a name like ‘Roemmeliceper’. And you just know that Bella would have bitch slapped anyone who had the very NERVE to nickname them ‘licey’.

  10. Oh man!!! Reading those socalled “books” was dreadful, but rewiewing them chapter to chapter… thats courage!!! Ur brave, but please take vitamins or antioxidants because a lot of braincells die while reading this “books”
    About the chapter and the hole series, well the machism and stupidity of Bella is just disgusting. Apart from the “little” issues of NO SEX, GLITTERING VAMPIRES, TEEN PREGNANCY, DEPENDANCE, PEDOPHILIA, ang a huge etc.

  11. Yes! This is going to be where Bella dies a slow, painful death!

    I’m going to be disappointed aren’t I?

  12. so anticlimatic.

    have you guys heard about the joke of a manga that came out about this shit? srsly. it’s such a joke.

  13. This chapter is soo funny! She gives her baby a stupidass name. Then SMeyer tries to give us the thrill that maybe Bella and Jacob will fight and they both die, but oh wait, Bella specialz so she cant kill no one. This is what I was thinking when Bella lunged for Jacob:
    Finally! A fight! KILL JACOB, KILL! Wtf?
    I literally threw the book against the wall because Bella didn’t even give a half ass attempt to kill Jacob or visa versa.

  14. Jacob testing Bella was absolutely pointless. Failpires hate the smell of wolves, so what was the point?

  15. Wow. Bella *really* gets on my nerves!

    1. Loch Ness Monster? Wow with 92 syllables.
    2. You know you can just NOT give Renesmee to him right?
    3. She seems to have forgotten about her husband already. Doesn`t ask him about it, nothing.

    Also, can`t Calrizzle give some easy solution to removing the imprint if it`s necessary? (I.E. Sparklify Jacob)

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