Why You Hate Us

We are here, and we’re going to remain incognito as to ward off crazy stalkers and fans who may want to lynch us.

We know it may seem odd that we say we hate the books and films we review, and that it may seem stupid that we’re reading them and bitching about it. However, being the fair-minded people we are, we understand we cannot make fun of “Twilight” and other series’ unless we have actually read them. What can we say — we’re college educated and have a lot of free time on our hands. Be prepared, as at times our criticisms may seem exceptionally harsh.

About Us

The Destroying Angel

She lives in a high talan above the forest floors of Caras Galadhon (“heart of Elvendom on Earth”) with her manly March Warden, Haldir. They have 2.5 beautiful, silver-haired elven children with wicked bo staff and other nimbly-bimbly ninja skills.  They have a pet lyger named Bob and a half ram/man named Tim, who guards their mellorn tree with his foul, rabid, rodent (rabbit).  She spends her days running the family H.H.I.N business (Help Hobbits In Need), and taunting angry dwarves in her spare time. At night, she plays Quidditch with the family on the pitch built in the middle of the forest.  Her hobbies include knitting, plaiting hair and moisturizing her feet at night. Her dislikes include interactions with nutcases, windbags, and orcs and getting her hair wet.

Spider Monkey

She lives in an alternate universe — or so those around her sometimes try to convince her — in which growing up is unnecessary and it’s perfectly acceptable to flit around the globe at one’s leisure. (Not to be confused with Never Never Land, however, where little boys run around in animal skins and flee from a man with a hook for fingers. That’s kinda weird.) In her spare time, she utilizes the Carmen San Diego spy kit she got when she was in third grade in order to hunt nargles in far-off countries. The only problem is, she often gets distracted from the hunt by things like snow-capped mountains and world wonders, and sometimes forgets about the nargles altogether. Perhaps this explains why she’s been unsuccessful so far… One day, she hopes to be able to run with the wild kiwi birds and hobbits in Aotearoa full-time, where she will also captain her own dirigible. But for now, she’ll settle for hopping from tree to tree in the misty expanse of the Olympic Peninsula, clinging to the necks of sparkly men and trying her darnedest to strangle them.

Contact Us

Have questions for us? Perhaps you want to gush privately about how much you love us and our work? Then send us an e-mail!

vampychronicles@gmail.com

If, by some chance, you’d rather e-mail us to tell us how stupid, dumb, ugly (etc.) we are for disliking “Twilight,” please be aware that we will probably post your e-mail on this site and then proceed to make fun of you. You have been forewarned. (But really, we’d secretly love it if you sent us hate mail. So go ahead; make our day.)

Twitter

Also, if you’d like to follow us on Twitter, we do have an account. Look us up at VampyChronicles.

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29 Responses to “Why You Hate Us”

  1. What about love mail?

  2. We will gladly accept love mail. If it’s loving enough, maybe we’ll post that, too! Lol.

  3. Sorry . . . can I point out that rabbits aren’t rodents? Their actually lagomorphs . . . sorry! I just, sort of, had to let you know . . . now I feel bad, okay . . .

    • Haha, touche! Though, the “rodent” comment is a nod to Monty Python. The socerer dude (“Tim”) refers to a foul, vicious rodent, and is talking about a little white rabbit. Lol.

      • And for the Monty Python reference you are forgiven and it is perfectly alright.

  4. Oh my goodness! I mean “they’re” not “their”. That’s terrible english …

  5. i love you and this site 5000000 x more then pie.

  6. *gasp* I love hate mail from Twihards!! They’re all cute and incomprehensible and strangely capitalized
    > w <

  7. Awesomely greatly incredibly cool site 😉 Good job!

  8. Thank you so much for this website…I thought I was alone in the hating of Twilight. btw: Edward is a douchebag. I’m pretty sure if I needed permission from a guy to go talk to my father (or something alone those lines) I would smack his head into the window and tell him to make me a samich! 😉

  9. This is for Spider Monkey. I happen to live in New Zealand, or Aoteroa, and have personally never seen a wild kiwi bird except on the news. As for hobbits, I was led to believe they were extinct. I wonder which one of us has been lied to.
    All the same, good luck with your quest, and I’ll say that it isn’t impossible to see kiwis, you just have to have the right connections or be smarter than the majority of the population.

    Oh, and didn’t you hear, narnia resides in New Zealand too!

    • Rebekah — Kia Ora! This is Spider Monkey typing, but both The Destroying Angel and I have spent time in New Zealand (we both studied abroad for a semester in 2008, although not the same semester, and not in the same city). Neither one of us saw wild kiwi birds, either, sadly, which is why it’s still a dream of mine! (The only ones I saw were in the Wellington Zoo.)

      Who knows, though, there may be a few hobbits frolicking about in the hills, or perhaps some magical wardrobes still to be discovered. We can always dream, right?

      Though, in all honesty, I think pure, natural New Zealand is just as awesome as Middle-Earth or Narnia could ever be. And, it’s REAL! Definite plus.

  10. A destroying angel is a poisonous mushroom that can kill in 24 hours and whose symptoms inlcude vomiting, delirium, convulsions, and diarhhea. Sounds like Edward to me 🙂

  11. Hey, I love this site! It’s really funny, and the comments you guys put in are great. Keep up the good work, and remind people like me that there are still (kinda) sensible people not infatuated with Twilight!

  12. My love of this site knows no bounds, then again you probably know that since I bombard you all with comments on nearly every chapter of the books. lol.

    Without this site I would have to make fun of Twilight in public… and that would be embarrasing to admit that I know what it is in public. I try to seem as if I know nothing at all about pop culture. This site keeps my secret safe… and gives me all of the nessesary amusement. So I thank you for that… and am glad you have kept your sanity, as I have said before. I would imagine it would be difficult, but the last book is almost done… isn’t it? Then it’s just the movies to worry about *gag*

    • Thanks, Morganne! We appreciate all your comments and input to our blog. If we gave out awards, you’d definitely win one!

      We’re so glad that we can be an outlet for your anti-Twilight sentiments.

  13. I think you two are amazing! Great blog!

  14. You guys are the best – I cracked up, shaking, and with tears while on my train ride home! Yes, people were staring.

    I’m sorry I got sucked into the Twilight world…this might finally cure me “of my own personal brand of” crack – Edward Cullen! So I guess I have 89 days more of rehab. The first step is admitting that I have a problem, right?

  15. Thank you.
    You make spending most of my time in the epicenter of Twilight’s fandom — High School — much easier to bear by reminding me that there are still some sane individuals left in this crazy and senseless world.

    • You are very welcome. And obviously a very smart high schooler to not have gotten sucked into the Twiverse. Kudos to you!

      • Hehee, why thank you~
        But, I actually read the book back in.. when was it, ’06?
        Regardless, back when it first came out.
        I didn’t even like it then.

        .. You know, I am ashamed to admit that the Twilight series is the only set of books my OLDER half-sister has ever taken it upon herself to read.
        What has our world come to?

  16. Hi! Sorry I’m late. If you saw the date on the comments I put up, you’ll know what I mean. But, I’m with you guys all the way. I’m writing my own book about werewolves, wish me luck!

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