5. Isle Esme

Chapter Synopsis 

Bella wakes up in Houston and is being dragged to Rio de Janerio next — completely unaware of where they are going to end up. They drive through Rio and hop a yacht twenty minutes out to an island… Isle Esme — a nice little gift from Carlizzle to the wifey.

Upon their arrival and without missing a beat, Eddie-kins picks Bella up and carries her down a jungle-like path, across the threshold AND throughout the entire house while they turn the lights on in each room. Bella’s heart is thudding annoyingly as Edward carries her into the last room — the one with a big bed in it… dun…dun…dunnnnn.

It’s hot and stuffy in the house — probably on the whole island — and Edward invites Bella to go for a dip in the warm ocean with him. He takes off his shirt and heads out to the sand, allowing the Mrs. a “human moment.” Bella dives for her suitcase, which she discovers harbors a lot of “lingere-ish lingere.” Bella looks outside, and realizes that Eddie-kins must be naked in the water. This really gets her engines going, and she quickly brushes her teeth, showers, shaves her legs, and then starts to freak out. She has to sit with her head between her knees for a minute. But she makes herself gets up off the floor — for Edward.

She makes her way out to the water, deposits her towel on the sand in a fit of self-confidence, and joins Ed nakey in the ocean. They exchange some lovey-dovey words, and Edward pulls them out into deeper water.

We assume they did the nasty, perhaps multiple times, because Bella wakes up sore and blissful the next morning in the big white bed. Her tummy grumbles, and she giggles — how “prosaic” of her to be hungry at a time like this! But Eddie-kins isn’t amused. In fact, he flips a shit because, as happy as Bella is, she’s also sporting some nasty bruises (some in the form of handprints) from their wild nighttime romp. Bella is also covered in feathers, because Eddie bit a few pillows to shreds in the throes of super-happy-fun-time.

They fight, with Bella insisting she’s NEVER felt this good (they “fit together” perfectly, after all!). Edward admits that it was the best night of his existence, and eventually makes her breakfast, but not before Bella tries to lure him into the shower with her. Fail, Bella, fail. There is some sort of banter about ‘touching one another’ (and how Eddie swears they’ll never do the nasty again while Bella’s still human) and we never really learn how Bella’s eggo gets preggo.  

Best Worst Lines 

“Oh well, I thought to myself. He was a vampire, after all. Maybe we were going to Atlantis.” (77)

“Did my skin burst into flames? I had to look down to check. Nope, nothing was burning. At least, not visibly.” (81)

“Lingerie. Very lingerie-ish lingerie, with French tags.”

“And I wasn’t freaking out because I thought we were making a mistake. Not at all. I was freaking out because I had no idea how to do this, and I was afraid to walk out of this room and face the unknown. Especially in French lingerie. I knew I wasn’t ready for that yet.” (83)

“If it weren’t Edward out there, if I didn’t know in every cell of my body that he loved me as much as I loved him — unconditionally and irrevocably and, to be honest, irrationally — I’d never be able to get up off this floor.” (83)

 “’Ugh!’ I groaned. ‘Why can’t you just read my mind already? It’s so inconvenient to be a mental mute!’” (90)   (We wish you would become a real mute.)

“He sighed. ‘No. I don’t think anything could make me feel better now.’

‘That,’ I snapped. ‘That right there is why I’m angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward.’” (91)   (Really? Really??)

“’I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood.’ A line creased his brow. ‘But I’ve tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than that.… I don’t think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more.’”   (Really, who talks like this? Describing sex as “a very great pleasure.” That just makes it sound frumpy and boring. Which it’s not.)

Things That Really Irk Us 

Carlizzle just so happens to own a small island… and managed to keep it under wraps from the rest of Forks. 

There is NO sex scene. We were really anticipating it, but it was pretty non-existent.  

Bella is bruised. Edward is flipping out. Someone needs to teach him that bruising is almost always a part of the wonderful post-coital splendor of a wild romp. Gosh. Grow a pair, Eddie. 

Final Thoughts 

Like, gag us with a barbiedoll leg. This chapter could not have possibly met any more substandard ‘honeymoon/first sexual experience’ cliches. SMeyer, fail. We think we might go read some decent NC-17 fanfic now… some that doesn’t involve vampires. K thanks.

Go to Chapter 6.