5. Isle Esme

Chapter Synopsis 

Bella wakes up in Houston and is being dragged to Rio de Janerio next — completely unaware of where they are going to end up. They drive through Rio and hop a yacht twenty minutes out to an island… Isle Esme — a nice little gift from Carlizzle to the wifey.

Upon their arrival and without missing a beat, Eddie-kins picks Bella up and carries her down a jungle-like path, across the threshold AND throughout the entire house while they turn the lights on in each room. Bella’s heart is thudding annoyingly as Edward carries her into the last room — the one with a big bed in it… dun…dun…dunnnnn.

It’s hot and stuffy in the house — probably on the whole island — and Edward invites Bella to go for a dip in the warm ocean with him. He takes off his shirt and heads out to the sand, allowing the Mrs. a “human moment.” Bella dives for her suitcase, which she discovers harbors a lot of “lingere-ish lingere.” Bella looks outside, and realizes that Eddie-kins must be naked in the water. This really gets her engines going, and she quickly brushes her teeth, showers, shaves her legs, and then starts to freak out. She has to sit with her head between her knees for a minute. But she makes herself gets up off the floor — for Edward.

She makes her way out to the water, deposits her towel on the sand in a fit of self-confidence, and joins Ed nakey in the ocean. They exchange some lovey-dovey words, and Edward pulls them out into deeper water.

We assume they did the nasty, perhaps multiple times, because Bella wakes up sore and blissful the next morning in the big white bed. Her tummy grumbles, and she giggles — how “prosaic” of her to be hungry at a time like this! But Eddie-kins isn’t amused. In fact, he flips a shit because, as happy as Bella is, she’s also sporting some nasty bruises (some in the form of handprints) from their wild nighttime romp. Bella is also covered in feathers, because Eddie bit a few pillows to shreds in the throes of super-happy-fun-time.

They fight, with Bella insisting she’s NEVER felt this good (they “fit together” perfectly, after all!). Edward admits that it was the best night of his existence, and eventually makes her breakfast, but not before Bella tries to lure him into the shower with her. Fail, Bella, fail. There is some sort of banter about ‘touching one another’ (and how Eddie swears they’ll never do the nasty again while Bella’s still human) and we never really learn how Bella’s eggo gets preggo.  

Best Worst Lines 

“Oh well, I thought to myself. He was a vampire, after all. Maybe we were going to Atlantis.” (77)

“Did my skin burst into flames? I had to look down to check. Nope, nothing was burning. At least, not visibly.” (81)

“Lingerie. Very lingerie-ish lingerie, with French tags.”

“And I wasn’t freaking out because I thought we were making a mistake. Not at all. I was freaking out because I had no idea how to do this, and I was afraid to walk out of this room and face the unknown. Especially in French lingerie. I knew I wasn’t ready for that yet.” (83)

“If it weren’t Edward out there, if I didn’t know in every cell of my body that he loved me as much as I loved him — unconditionally and irrevocably and, to be honest, irrationally — I’d never be able to get up off this floor.” (83)

 “’Ugh!’ I groaned. ‘Why can’t you just read my mind already? It’s so inconvenient to be a mental mute!’” (90)   (We wish you would become a real mute.)

“He sighed. ‘No. I don’t think anything could make me feel better now.’

‘That,’ I snapped. ‘That right there is why I’m angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward.’” (91)   (Really? Really??)

“’I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood.’ A line creased his brow. ‘But I’ve tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than that.… I don’t think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more.’”   (Really, who talks like this? Describing sex as “a very great pleasure.” That just makes it sound frumpy and boring. Which it’s not.)

Things That Really Irk Us 

Carlizzle just so happens to own a small island… and managed to keep it under wraps from the rest of Forks. 

There is NO sex scene. We were really anticipating it, but it was pretty non-existent.  

Bella is bruised. Edward is flipping out. Someone needs to teach him that bruising is almost always a part of the wonderful post-coital splendor of a wild romp. Gosh. Grow a pair, Eddie. 

Final Thoughts 

Like, gag us with a barbiedoll leg. This chapter could not have possibly met any more substandard ‘honeymoon/first sexual experience’ cliches. SMeyer, fail. We think we might go read some decent NC-17 fanfic now… some that doesn’t involve vampires. K thanks.

Go to Chapter 6.

28 Responses to “5. Isle Esme”

  1. […] terrible-ness… and no sex scene. We’ve posted Chapter 4 and Chapter 5 for you today — the latter being the “sex” scene. Which of course isn’t […]

  2. O.0 that is probably the most disgustingly weird thing I have ever read in my entire life…. Bruises… this whole thing is just…. creepy as hell….

  3. Now that she’s finally gotten laid, will Bella mellow out a little? Doubtful.

  4. i was actually really hoping he was going to go crazy and eat her…

  5. Is this the chapter where Smeyer thinks Brazil is on the west coast of South America? I’ve read that there’s a scene where they drive west through Brazil “until they reach the coast.”

    Not that it’s shocking that Smyer fails at geography. I just think it toys with reader emotions. After all, an intelligent reader might think Bella & Edward got turned around and are actually skinny-dipping in the Amazon river. How crushing it would be for that reader when the characters don’t get eaten by piranhas.

    • Haha, yeah, pretty sure that was in this chapter. Geography is apparently not one of SMeyer’s strong points (remember how she had the flight attendants on a U.S.-to-Italy flight making announcements in French in “New Moon?). Then again, we get the feeling SMeyer doesn’t really have all that many strong points…

  6. *is weirded and creeped out by the chapter*

  7. I wish Eddie just killed her with those kick-butt thrusting hips of his. Urgh, this is the freakiest of all the books… sometimes I wonder what’s going on in SMeyer’s head…

  8. One word: boooring!

    No, wait, it’s actually disturbing.

    Reason number one: Meyer’s message: sex with a vampire can kill you, but only if it’s premarital. Once you’re married, it’s ok.

    Reason number two: Meyer’s message: If you love him, you’ll have a wooonderful first time (perhaps with couple of orgasms on the way). It doesn’t really work that way.

    Reason number three: Meyer’s message: It’s ok to have sex while unconscious. That is not a rape, but a true love.

    • Love your reasoning, Mira, and we agree with you completely. Especially if you’re a couple of virgins who are waiting until marriage, your first time is NOT going to be blissful and good. It’s going to be awkward, and probably painful. Ugh. Then again, maybe she was passed out for most of it, and is just filling in the blanks with pretend good memories.

  9. “Unconditionally and irrevocably and, to be honest, irrationally” where oh where have I heard that before?

  10. Way to not have a sex scene. This whole series is so ridiculous. You can’t have vampires without sex… the whole concept of a vampire is a metaphor for sex. Plus, the misogynist, abusive undertones are disturbing. Ugh.

  11. Maybe it’s better tius way… Imagine how many pages it’d have taken for SM to describe Edwards sparkly, icy-cold penis (not to mention his bronze genital hair or other things). If she’d waited a bit, she could have used the Tantus dildo ad for inspiration.

    • Hahaha… his bronze genital hair. Oooh, the possibilities! Do you think Eddie-kins would shave? We’re pretty sure Bella definitely wouldn’t.

      • Bella surely wouldn’t. Where would all the sweet freesia scent go? Eddie… oh, maybe just a little bit. To let his snowflake gape for loooong minutes at his eternal pair of topaz testicles reflecting the buttery sunshine. But let us not forget, that he is of another century, so he practically don’t even know about these impudent things like intim hygene.

  12. 1-Has anyone noticed that Edward is a 108 year old virgin?

    WTF Edward. Can’t get laid? I didn’t know the side effects of beinga vampire was that you got a stack of buttons for a dick.

    I mean. They did fit “together perfectly.”

    Ummm….Bella’s virgin too. Which means she’s tight as hell. That just proves my theory of Edward’s dick size. (I’m saying about four inches max)

    2- He has to get advice from his brothers? Can’t he just save himself the embarassment and google it or something? Doesn’t he wack off to playboy like every other normal male out there?Srsly

    3-Alice packed Bella’s bag. How can anyone (Jasper) think that Alice is sexy when wearing “lingerie-ish lingerie” Isn’t she like Anorexic and boney?

    • All good points. Although, we did decide later that Edward must not, in fact, have ever jacked off. Because he still had sperm enough to knock Bella up, which (according to SMeyer’s vampire rules) means it was left over from the day he got turned. Pretty sad 90-some years if you ask us.

      • But sperm needs a living body to stay “active”. Sperm dies once it leaves the body, or in this case, once a person becomes a sparklepire. Meyers, you fail at life AND the biology Edtardo took so many times.

  13. out of curiousness, I have skim-read fanfics of Twilight. most are “mature” and have no sex. sigh, one MORE reason to dislike Twilight, even the fanfics are shit.

  14. wait- Carlisle has an apparently deserted, tropical, beautiful, exciting island where they can go into the sunlight without fear of anyone except superstitious maids? And they all live in Forks WHY? It’s not like they’re there for friends or anything. Are they really so stupid/boring that they they prefer high school?

  15. Seriously? You WANT a sex scene in there? No offense, but you must be sadistic. It’s creepy and disturbing enough without a sparklepire-human “perfect fit”. Plus, there are little girls reading this. Meyer (may she eternally burn in hell) already screwed them up beyond repair with the past three books and now this one, let alone writing out the full “very great pleasure” (ugh, I felt stupid writing that) Did all of you not even consider that?

    PS: I don’t think I can read this anymore. I feel like a pervert.

    • We’re not saying we necessarily WANT one. (That would be infinitely disturbing.) But the fact that there’s the “shadow” of one seems worse to us. How about just not talk about it at all, SMeyer? Why does such a big part of this particular book have to be focused on Bella and Edward having sex? (It gets worse later.)

  16. The only thing that got me through chapters 5 and 6 was singing lady gaga’s lovegame. DISCOSTICK!

  17. Isle Esme could have become a sexy, intimate part of the novel where the true sides to the protagonists unfold. In stead of having lots of allusions to sex, how about a couple of well written scenes? Try reading the original Victorian vampire novels like Dracula to see what I mean.

    Smeyer, its not about the quantity of novels, its about quality!

    P.s She should of made Rosalie to be a Victorian style slut!
    but Smyer is like “ohh we can’t have real sex scenes/ slutty vampires….IT WILL RUIN SOCIETY!

    • Haha, yes, because having creepy stalker boyfriends in your book is much better than writing about sex.

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