20. Compromise

(Note: This chapter is long. Skim this, then scroll further down for the “condensed version.”)

Chapter Synopsis

Bella is all set for her two-day visit with “Alice.” All of her non-friends and loved ones have conveniently left Forks for the time being, meaning Bella doesn’t have to worry about them being gobbled up by the newbie vamps. We’re so relieved. She’s trying not to worry about the next 48 hours — she promised Eddie-kins she wouldn’t think about anything besides them and their love tonight. Bella thinks she can do this. Afterall, she and Edward will be alone in his big gold bed. …

This fact leads to a lot of thoughts on Bella’s part. First of all, she realizes she’s ready now to be turned; to become Ed’s vampy queen and leave her mundane mortal life behind. But she’ll wait for this whole newborn army thing to be over, to placate her boy toy. Plus, there’s one human thing Bella wants to do before becoming unhuman. She, of course, doesn’t come out and say it (because that wouldn’t be prudent!), but, basically, Bella wants to bone Edward. She wants his sparkly disco stick all up in her before she gets all red-eyed and bloodthirsty. But how to convince him?

The drive to the Cullen house is tedious (for once, Edward lets her drive her own truck ­– shock!), but as soon as they arrive, Edward is yanking Bella out of the truck and eating her face as he carries her into the house. This is just fine with her, and she’s hopeful that maybe convincing Edward to do the nasty with her won’t be difficult afterall. Until Edward peels her away from him before they get too into it, of course. Boo hoo.

Edward tells Bella he’s got something for her up in his room. Bella, thinking dirty, seductive thoughts, agrees to accept whatever it is (since she already accepted the wolf charm from Jacob), and Edward scoops her up and dashes upstairs. He then proceeds to attach a massive diamond cut in the shape of a heart to Bella’s bracelet. He of course just calls it a “bauble” that he inherited from his mother, and Bella of course does not realize that the “heart-shaped crystal” is a diamond. We are not so dumb. There’s some talk about owning each others’ hearts, blah blah blah, and then Bella decides it’s a good time to bring up her “request.”

Since they did such a good job compromising the other night, Bella says, there’s something else she wants to “negotiate.” Her virginity. Of course, it takes pages and pages to get to this request. Bella really does a terrible job getting to the point. They go over the conditions of Edward’s marriage deal. Again. Eddie will change Bella only after they’re married. And then he’ll pay for her to go to college and buy her fancy cars. Those are his only conditions. But now Bella wants to add in one of her own.

She’s worried about what she’ll be like after the change — she’s worried that the only lust she’ll experience will be for blood, not hanky panky. (Again, though, she never directly states this because that would be inappropriate.)

Edward, seemingly as annoyed with Bella as we are at this point, finally just asks her what it is that she wants. She replies, “You.” Edward doesn’t get it. So Bella decides to give him a hint by kissing him and trying to take of his shirt. Edward pushes her away and tells her to “be reasonable.” Fail, Bella. Bella gets pissed, and rips open the top button of her own shirt. (Scandalous!) She then gets all whiny, saying Edward won’t let her even discuss the things that she wants, even though he can make all sorts of demands of her — like the marriage one. On this point, we actually kind of agree with her. But, instead of going with this, Bella instead experiences a strong surge of rejection, getting all teary in the process. Dumb Bella.

Edward pulls her into his lap, reassuring her that he does want her THAT WAY — that a lot of people find her desirable (gag). Bella then points out that Edward made a lot of demands, whereas she only has this one. Edward is taken aback that Bella is considering sex a “demand.”

They yet again discuss what Bella will be like after the change. Bella knows she’ll be different — she’ll only want blood, lots and lots of blood — and Edward can’t really argue with her. We sense he’s starting to give in. He points out again that he could hurt her, and he tries to prove his point by breaking off part of the cast iron bed frame and crushing it into power in his hand. Show off. Bella insists that he would never ever hurt her because he doesn’t want to. (Yeah, very sound logic, Bella…)

Finally, she resorts to begging. She says she’ll do everything he wants her to — marry him, go to college, drive a fast car — if only he’ll do her. And, somehow, this works? They start making out, and Bella is excited in more ways than one. We can practically hear the Twi-Moms squealing. Bella takes off Edward’s shirt, and starts trying to get naked herself when Edward stops her. He tells her he won’t try it tonight. He wants her to live up to her end of the bargain first — a ring on her finger before him between her legs. Bella whines, but agrees. She really wants that sexy time.

She continues trying to convince Edward, and realizes there’s something else he’s worried about. In a particularly cheesy moment, Bella realizes Edward is trying to “protect” their “virtue.” No sex before marriage, kiddos! They talk about this “virtue” thing for a couple of pages, as well as the damning of souls and heaven and hell. Blah blah blah.

Bella finally agrees to the whole marriage deal — she’s ruled by her hormones, obviously. Edward promises the ceremony doesn’t have to be fancy, and then asks if Bella wants to see “the ring.” She says no, but then feels bad. Edward pulls out an antique ring — another trinket of his mother’s — and coaxes Bella to try it on. Of course, it’s a perfect fit. And then he decides to do things right, and gets down on one knee. We’re glad our stomachs are empty, otherwise we’d be losing our lunch right now.

The Condensed Version

Bella: Oh boy, I get to spend the night with Edward! I’m going to convince him to fuck me tonight. I’m too horny to stay a virgin.

Edward: Why hello, love, let me carry you into the house. And here’s a big heart-shaped diamond.

Bella: Oh, Edward! Do me!

Edward: Wait, what? No, you stupid girl. I’ll break you with my sparkly penis.

Bella: No fair. You always get what you want. You don’t even want me. *Pout.*

Edward: Aw, did I hurt your feelings? Here, sit on daddy’s lap.

Bella: I DEMAND SEX.

Edward: …

Bella: I may not be so horny once I’m thirsty for blood. Take advantage of me!

Edward: But I’ll hurt you. Look how strong I am — this piece of cast iron bed frame has no chance in my immortal hand.

Bella: Please? Pretty pretty please? *Flutters eyelashes.* I’ll do ANYTHING!

Edward: Okay, let’s make out.

Bella: Let’s get naked!

Edward: But wait. We can’t have sex if we aren’t married! It will totally tarnish our purity.

Bella: Fine, whatever, I’ll marry you. Just bone me already!

Edward: Soon, baby. Now put this ring on.

Bella: Okay. I suppose I can agree to everything I’m against as long as it means that I get to lose my virginity soon!

Edward: *Smiles crookedly.*

Best Worst Lines

“I knew which human experience I was going to insist on before I became inhuman.”

“His bedroom? ‘Sure,’ I agreed, feeling quite devious as I wound my fingers through his. ‘Let’s go.’”

“I leaned into him, ducking my head under his arm and cuddling into his side. It probably felt similar to snuggling with Michelangelo’s David, except that this perfect marble creature wrapped his arms around me to pull me closer.” (439)

“I couldn’t believe how awkward and idiotic I felt. I was too innocent — which was, of course, central to the discussion. I didn’t have the faintest idea how to be seductive. I would just have to settle for flushed and self-conscious.” (442)

“’We’re not having this discussion.’ He glared at me while he refastened the two buttons I’d managed to open.

My teeth clamped together.

‘I say we are,’ I growled. I moved my hands to my blouse and yanked open the top button.”

“’You know why I have to say no,’ he murmured. ‘You know that I want you, too.’

‘Do you?’ I whispered, my voice full of doubt.

‘Of course I do, you silly, beautiful, oversensitive girl.’ He laughed once, and then his voice was bleak. ‘Doesn’t everyone? I feel like there’s a line behind me, jockeying for position, waiting for me to make a big enough mistake. . . . You’re too desirable for your own good.’

‘Who’s being silly now?’ I doubted if awkward, self-conscious, and inept added up to desirable in anyone’s book.” (445)

“I glared. ‘That’s not what I meant. I already know how strong you are. You didn’t have to break the furniture.’” (447)

“His mouth was not gentle; there was a brand-new edge of conflict and desperation in the way his lips moved. I locked my arms around his neck, and, to my suddenly overheated skin, his body felt colder than ever. I trembled, but it was not from the chill.

He didn’t stop kissing me. I was the one who had to break away, gasping for air. Even then his lips did not leave my skin, they just moved to my throat. The thrill of victory was a strange high; it made me feel powerful. Brave. My hands weren’t unsteady now; I got through with the buttons on his shirt this time easily, and my fingers traced the perfect planes of his icy chest. He was too beautiful. What was the word he’d used just now? Unbearable — that was it. His beauty was too much to bear. . . .

I pulled his mouth back to mine, and he seemed just as eager as I was. One of his hands still cupped my face, his other arm was tight around my waist, straining me closer to him. It made it slightly more difficult as I tried to reach the front of my shirt, but not impossible.

Cold iron fetters locked around my wrists, and pulled my hands above my head, which was suddenly on a pillow.

His lips were at my ear again. ‘Bella,’ he murmured, his voice warm and velvet. ‘Would you please stop trying to take your clothes off?’

‘Do you want to do that part?’ I asked, confused.” (450)   (Bahahahaha. Best non-love-scene. Ever. It’s so bad it’s brilliant.)

“His arms wrapped around me, and he began kissing me in a way that should be illegal.”   (Call the police!!)

“I shook my head, and laughed glumly. ‘You make me feel like a villain in a melodrama — twirling my mustache while I try to steal some poor girl’s virtue.’” (452)

“’You know that I’ve stolen, I’ve lied, I’ve coveted . . . my virtue is all I have left.’ He grinned crookedly.” (454)

“He tried not to smile. ‘There is only one thing I want to speed up, and the rest can wait forever … but for that, it’s true, your impatient human hormones are my most powerful ally at this point.’” (455)

“’We’ll go to Vegas — you can wear old jeans and we’ll go to the chapel with the drive-through window. I just want it to be official — that you belong to me and no one else.’” (456)

Things That Really Irk Us

Good Lord. This whole chapter just makes our skin crawl. It’s so ridiculous in so many ways.

The fact that SMeyer just can’t come out and use the word “sex.” Come on. Stop dancing around it. It only makes you look like a dumb prude. Which we know you’re not, because this whole series is about a wet dream you had about a guy with pointy teeth who sparkles.

Bella trying to “seduce” Edward. Bahahaha. This is so out of character and just laugh-worthy. Ripping her shirt open? Really? Really??

Edward being worried about their “virtue” and all the heaven/hell banter. Come on. Why does religion have to keep being dragged into this when it doesn’t want to be? Vampires aren’t supposed to worry about breaking the Ten Commandments. “Thou shalt not kill” should mean nothing to them.

The fact that, in the end, Bella is willing to give up everything for sex. What kind of message is this sending out to young girls? She’s so horny that she gives in to all of Edward’s demands, even though she’s vehemently against most of them (i.e. getting married). Uggghhhh, this makes us so angry. She’s already such a terrible character, but this just puts her over the edge.

Final Thoughts

So, will SMeyer just gloss over this whole newbie war thing then? Because we’re pretty sure the wedding of Bella and Edward will be a main event. And then the sex scene will suck.

Go to Chapter 21.