13. Newborn

Chapter Synopsis

Here, we get to learn about how Jasper came to be — oh boy! Bella gets to see the scars that Jasper sports — similar to hers, but way more badass. Once again, everyone sits around for some Cullen family time as he shares his story, which he does not make ‘pretty’ for Bella’s sensitive ears.

Jasper was not raised like the others, and explains how there are different types of vampires in different parts of the states. More heavily populated areas typically have more ravenous vampires that only come out at night, to feed. Whereas vampires in the northern parts with controlled populations come out in the day and live comfortably amongst unsuspecting humans. The Volturi, thank GOODNESS, keep those pesky southern vampies from going too crazy. The vampires down under are very territorial — the fewer of them amongst the populated areas, the more they can feed.

Basically, all of the heavily populated areas are involved in gang wars, and it all started because of some asshole named Benito getting too hungry in Texas. Pfsht. Benito created the first army of newborn vampires, who are not taught to control their appetites and often turn on one another. Benito and his little babies headed South, into Mexico to eat everything in sight — they were like fat kids taunted by cake after years on the South Beach Diet. But the Mexican vampires (which we think would stick out like a sore thumb since you’re pasty and white and super sparkly amongst a not so pasty/sparkly population…) knew what was coming and started a baby vampire army of their own. Body counts reached epidemic proportions, and the Volturi swooped in to kill the newborns and anyone with them and took over Mexico. This was a lesson for the rest of the vampire world, who followed suit and did not go power hungry.

But when the Volturi left, the survivors of the massacre took over again. Commence rebuilding a bigger, better, smarter, bad-assery of newborns to piss off the Volturi, and civil wars between gangs continued. They moved on up to Texas — Houston to be exact — where Jasper was. 

Jasper was just 17 when he joined the Confederate Army in 1861. Before long, he was elected the youngest major in Texas!! He was in charge of evacuating women and children from the city when it was under siege from Union mortar boats and, reaching the city after dark, found three beautiful women in the streets. Shockingly enough, they were vampires that wanted to keep Jasper around as their play-thing.

And then, Major Jasper Whitlock was changed into a vampire. He joined the vampire that turned him, Maria, and her band of newborns to create an army to fight for more herding ground down south. Jasper talks about his clan and how they were pretty much like Green Berets, only more badass and krazy (with a k). He and Maria fought everyone off and had a nice little nest in Monterrey, where they kept at least 12 newborns at their beck and call.

But then there was Peter. Petey was in love with a newborn he was supposed to kill. Jasper, who was becoming more and more humane, let them run off together, pissing Maria off. He wanted to coexist with other vampires without having territorial wars. Jasper eventually ran off to this new life with Peter and his chick, and, soon, Jasper grew depressed at the monster he had become and the fact that he could not restrain himself any longer.

He moved on to Philly, where he and Alice met, and where he joined Carlizzle and the family — though he still struggles with his hunger.

Then, flash to the present, and everyone is shocked by Jasper’s story. The fact that he is implying an army is being raised in Seattle is scurrrrry. They cannot imagine why there is a newbie army, since Seattle is full of nomadic vampys. The Cullens are very worried that the Volturi haven’t stepped in yet.  Alice has been having flashes of the person behind it all, but cannot put anything together. Eddie-kins the super genius explains that the person obviously knows Alice cannot see where there is indecision, and is able to block her out this way.

After much discussion, they decide that Aro is starting an army to finish off the Cullens because they are too powerful — the Volturi are breaking their own rules! Carlizzle and his clan decide to go north to DESTROY the baby vampys, but only after a tutoring lesson on the killing of newborns via our very own Major Jasper.

Carlizzle is shaken to his core, calling on some other families to help fight the Volturi. But, oh shit, Tanya’s clan is full of skanks! Her friend Irina was doing the nasty with Laurent before he was killed by the wolf pack. So now, their family won’t help Carlizzle out unless the Cullens give them permission to avenge Laurent’s death. Carlizzle, being the kind-hearted badass that he is, says “nein”… after all, he doesn’t want poor baby Bella to lose her bestie.

Jasper says they will undoubtedly lose someone, and it FINALLY hits Bella that SOMEONE might die — someone in her family (the Cullens… not quite her family yet, but she is crazy and therefore delusional)!! (OH NO! Welcome to the thought the readers had fifteen pages ago!)

Best Worst Lines

“They had such pale skin, I remember marveling at it. Even the little black-haired girl, whose features were clearly Mexican, was porcelain in the moonlight.”   (Wow… just wow. With at least 17 syllables.)

Things That Really Irk Us

We just realized we STILL haven’t heard Jasper speak, so he BETTER have a Southern accent. You just don’t spend around 100 years in Texas and come out WITHOUT an accent.

Bella is stupid. She has not progressed past the point of pre-pubescent teen with her thought process… War? Death? My ‘family’ is going to fight a bunch of wild baby vamps and someone may die? OH NO!

Mortar attacks in 1861? Fail, SMeyer, FAIL! Mortar fire was not used until World War I… The Civil War had cannonballs that could fuck you up, but most certainly did not explode and send tiny pieces of shrapnel through everyone and everything around it. History 101: take it, please. You’re stupidity never ceases to amaze us.

Final Thoughts

SMeyer has done it again. It’s as if every one of our Cullen family members has this ‘straight out of a smutty romance/harlequin novel’ back story. We have the handsome son of a high-ranking religious figure who gallivanted around Europe for years and has been educated in EVERYTHING. The sexy blond equivalent of a 40s pinup model who flaunted her shit and was almost killed because of it. The big burly man who was being gobbled up by a bear. The innocent green-eyed boy dying of the flu. The woman having an inner struggle after losing a baby. The successful, young military Major. And then the sort of odd girl who found them all… It seems that the Cullens are a family full of high school stereotypes. Oh, SMeyer, we really want to know what life in high school was like for you, since you’re living it out in your sad series of what some may call ‘literature’.

Alas, we are absolutely ECSTATIC about the upcoming war that will break out between the Cullen family and the newborns in Seattle. Perhaps there will be some Starbucks involved. Nothing like getting all jacked up on caffeine before heading out to save the world.

Go to Chapter 14.