18. The Funeral

Chapter Synopsis

Bella answers the door to find Jacob waiting on her doorstep, demanding answers to a couple of important questions: How long is Alice staying with the Swans, and are the rest of the Cullens coming back? Bella answers that *gulpsniffle* the rest of the Cullens are not going to be making a return any time soon, and that Alice will be staying as long as she needs to.

Jacob explains that as long as Alice is around them, he has to stay away so as to uphold the treaty, and that the only place he can protect Bella is La Push. Bella does not seem unnerved by this, but is very sad that she and Jacob cannot be friends anymore. As Jacob turns to leave, Bella cries, and then he hurries back to apologize for again breaking that promise that he once made — that he would stay by her side always. (Awwww……*gags*) Bella says it doesn’t have to be this way, that they can still be besties. But Jacob points out, rather awkwardly, that Bella loves Alice and that means he has to stay away because his natural instinct is to kill her, and if he killed Alice, Bella would not be very happy with him.

Before he tries to leave one more time, he cups Bella’s face in his big hands, ready to kiss her. The entire time Bella is having a spaz attack in her head, knowing that her ‘prince’ (Eddie-kins) will never come back to wake her from her slumber and that Jacob could be a good second-hand, prince-like fellow… but the sexual tension is cut as Bella’s land line rings behind her.

Jacob grabs it and, based on his expression, it is someone he would rather not communicate with. Giving himself away once he hangs up, Jacob breathes out “filthy bloodsucker.” This is music to Bella’s ears. Jacob tells her it was Carlizzle on the phone, asking for Charlie. Jacob informed him that Charlie was at “the funeral.” First, Bella is pissed because she didn’t get to talk to him, but Jacob points out he didn’t break any etiquette, seeing as the phone call was not for her.

Once again, Bella cannot handle the overwhelming emotion and faints while Jacob carries her to the couch. Alice shows up and helps Jacob get her to the couch. Alice, who is used to Bella’s fainting spells, tells her to snap out of it as she and Jacob have a little spat about whose fault it is that Bella fainted.

Bella comes to and hears Alice on the phone with Rosalie, flipping out about Eddie-kins for some reason or another. Alice asks Jacob and Bella exactly what was said in the phone conversation and explains that it was Eddie-kins, not Carlizzle, that had been on the phone. Alice had shared with the Cullens the vision she’d had about Bella committing suicide, and when Edward called to talk to Charlie and Jacob said he was at the (Harry Clearwater’s) funeral, he took it as Bella having succeeded in offing herself. (Unfortunately for us, that is not the case. )

Now Edward thinks Bella killed herself, and has left to piss off the Volturi in Italy in order to try to get himself offed. Bella doesn’t understand this, since he just left her and obviously didn’t care anymore, but Alice explains that he wasn’t expecting to out-live Bella by THAT much (even though he’s immortal… and wouldn’t die anytime soon…).

Bella decides to go with Alice to seek out Eddie-kins before he can try to kill himself, and Jacob begs her not to go because she’ll be killed either way. He yells at Alice and says it’s all their (the Cullens’) fault. But Alice points out that his stupid doggy friends still haven’t caught Victoria, so it’s not any more dangerous for Bella than staying in Forks.

Bella grabs her passport while Alice makes travel arrangements, and Bella leaves a note for Chuckles saying he can ground her later, but she has to go. Jacob is obviously really pissed about the entire situation and Bella apologizes, leaving in the shiny BMW with Alice as Jacob *poofs* into a doggy. The last Bella sees of him is a half-mangled tennis shoe on the road.

Best Worst Lines

“It was a nasty catch-22 — on the one hand, I wanted Alice to stay forever. I was going to die — metaphorically — when she left me.” (410)

“The prince was never coming back to kiss me awake from my enchanted sleep. I was not a princess, after all. So what was the fairy-tale protocol for other kisses? The mundane kind that didn’t break any spells?” (411)

“Jacob’s furious voice was suddenly in my ear, hissing out a stream of profanities. I felt a vague disapproval. His new friends were clearly a bad influence.” (414)

“I couldn’t let her speak yet. I needed a few more seconds before she spoke and her words destroyed what was left of my life.”

Things That Really Irk Us

Bella is constantly crying without noticing. Is that even POSSIBLE?

This awkward Bella-Alice-Edward love triangle thingy. Is it SMeyers’ other fantasy/wet dream that they have a threesome at some point?

Jacob still clings to Bella when he can obviously do so much better. Just let her go die. It will make your life so much easier.

Final Thoughts

This was a relatively short, yet incredibly mundane chapter full of boring little spats. Bella and Eddie-kins’ relationship is still psychologically and emotionally unhealthy for both of them — seeing as they’re suicidal and all. When will they DIE?

Go to Chapter 19.

12 Responses to “18. The Funeral”

  1. Awesome as always guys! I had almost forgotten this chapter, thank you for putting a funny spin on such a painfully mundane and idiotic chapter. 🙂

  2. Whenever Bella can’t stand something she faints… it’s weird. I’ve never heard of anybody faning that often… seriously. Even Scarlett O’Hara only fainted twice… it’s so weird.

    I agree about how weird it is that Alice and Bella have this thing going on. It’s a strange relationship…

    How does one cry without realizing it??

    That was the DUMBEST plot twist ever. Really.

    “Dad I am leaving Forks again… I am going to Italy to save Eddie from certain death. I’ll probably die, but in the case I don’t… you can groud me when I return because Eddie will be able to sneak in my window anyway- strike that last part. Enjoy the Marlins. ~Bella.” XD

  3. There are so many plot holes in this book, it´s incredible there´s even a story left. One thing I noticed in this chapter that didn´t make much sense to me – Bella just happens to have a passport lying around. Isn´t that convenient?

    Makes me wonder – what if she didn´t have it? Then Eddie-kins would have just died via public sparkling… I wish

    (I´m not American, so I don´t know much about Americans and passports, but one usually doesn´t need a passport to travel the States, right? You only need it if you leave the country. I don´t seem to remember reading anywhere that Bella likes to travel abroad).

    • Well you’re right about passports in the U.S. — we generally only need them when travelling overseas. (Although now we also need them to go to Canada or Mexico, too.)

      I think Bella having a passport is explained away — she “conveniently” got a passport when her mom (at one point) wanted to have a destination wedding in Mexico or something dumb like that. How very lucky!

      By the way — loved the “died via public sparkling” comment. Haha!

      • I thought Italy was part of Europe or something like that, not America anyway. She still needs one.
        Although, it was very convenient she just happened to have one lying about, and she brought it to Forks with her.


    Anyone else notice that the lone plot (if you can call it that) was lifted directly from Rom&Jul…except *spoiler* everyone is happy in the end.

    Will would be turning in his grave.

    • Oh yeah, SMeyer has a weird obsession with sparkling vampires AND Romeo and Juliet. No surprise she would totally try to mesh the two together. And fail. Horribly.

  5. I wonder if SMeyer has even read “Catch-22”. If she has, it obviously had no positive effect on her writing.

  6. I feel so sorry for poor Charlie. If I had that bitch of a daughter, I’d surely let her die. Or send her back to Phoenix immediately.

  7. This whole “rescue” thing is so poorly done. I have a better plan to keep Edward from offing himself: Bella doesn’t go to Volturra, she goes to the funeral with her dad. Jasper and Alice go to Volturra and one of them brings a cellphone. When they see Edward, Jasper calms him down for a few minutes. Alice calls Bella so that she can tell Edward that she’s okay.
    There. Isn’t that much better? I’m not even in college yet and I can write better than SMeyer.

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