37. Contrivances

Chapter Synopsis

After feeling up Renesmee for a bit, Aro is surrounded by his dark cloaked cronies as they conspire ‘in secret’ in the middle of the field. The Cullens/wolfpack(s) retreat back to their side of the clearing as they wait for an intense and possibly deadly game of Red Rover to begin. As Bella points out, everyone is vocalizing their opinions about the situation rather than just allowing Aro to read their minds. While ‘Team Aro’ is having a meeting 50 yards away, Bella hears them arguing about what to do while the crowd of angsty wolves and sparklepires angstily await the go ahead to rip each other apart.

While Bella holds a shield over the Cullens and the wolves, she wait for the Volturi to address the crowd. Bella begins to spread her shield and “tugged in more threads of the fabric” to cover all of her allies. In this moment she realizes that the wolf mentality allows her to protect all of them when only the Alpha is protected. We also learn that the Werewolves in the U.S. are different than European and Asian ones as they can shape shift during the day (so they aren’t REALLY werewolves — more like a cute hypo-allergenic hybrid). WHY? Aro points out that they are not, in fact, werewolves, just shape shifters.

The Volturi huddle commences for a long time as everyone is worried about their next play against team Cullen. Irina is called forward to explain her obsession with the Cullens that led them to their current state of affairs. She whines a bit about them killing her friend and then lets it go, apologizing for the misunderstanding about the immortal child and asking for forgiveness, only to have her head ripped off (literally) and have her remains burned by Caius. Irina’s family — Kate and Tanya — can no longer hold back their rage, and then the “epic” battle begins!

Or not. Unfortunately, all the “good” sparklepires use their powers against Kate and Tanya to stop them from provoking Caius more. And then Carlizzle pwns them with his words of wisdom: If they fight Caius, EVERYONE will die. (But… but… it would be so nice if we didn’t have two more chapters to read…) There is a lot of tension…some more angst… and some angsty tension… introduction of new characters as if they had been mentioned in the story before…

Amun and Aro speak about Nessie, and Amun’s final observations are that Nessie is not an immortal child, because she was not turned but born of Edward’s glitter-glue-filled loins and tht she “grows and learns.” Siobhan agrees, stating she is no danger to humans and blends in well. Aro decides no law has been broken, but it does not mean that there is no danger. He begins a rant about humans and technology that really has nothing to do with anything and decides that not knowing what Renesmee will become makes her a vulnerability to the entire sparklepire species!

Garrett steps forward to address Aro and gives beautiful speech about how the Volturi are douchebags who will think of a reason to get what they want, even if it makes no sense in terms of ‘’vampy law,” and proclaims his love for the Cullens. He begs all of the witnesses to understand that the Volturi will go to any lengths to make sure the Cullens are killed because they sees competition in them, especially because of their differences and “amber eyes.” And with one final proclamation, “They seek the death of our free will!”… they still continue to have a long, drawn out conversation. Aro and Garret and ALL of the witnesses take turns presenting THEIR side of the case… And one by one the Volturi “witnesses” leave because they do not want to fight.

It’s now 37 versus the Volturi, and the Volturi start having another meeting in their black-shrouded triangle while Bella prepares to let go of Nessie and send her off with Jacob into the forest. All of the sparklepire couples share loving embraces in preparation for the fight, and then Jacob and Nessie slip out of Bella’s protective bubble.

Best Worst Lines

“Fascinated, I tugged in more threads of the fabric, pulling it around each glimmering shape that was a friend or ally. The shield clung to them willingly, moving as they moved.”

“’Will you defend that alliance, too, Aro?’ Caius demanded. ‘The Children of the Moon have been our bitter enemies from the dawn of time. We have hunted them to near extinction in Europe and Asia. Yet Carlisle encourages a familiar relationship with this enormous infestation — no doubt in an attempt to overthrow us. The better to protect his warped lifestyle.’” (704)   (What he meant to say was: “Ewie! Those wolves smell like wet doggies! Didn’t we kill them all off yet? I CANNOT believe Carlizzle would mingle with those unhygienic mutts. Disgusting.”)

“Though the creatures think of themselves as werewolves, they are not. The more accurate name for them would be shapeshifters. The choice of a wolf form was purely chance. It could have been a bear or a hawk or a panther when the first change was made.”   (Or maybe a cuddly kitten or a pumapard or lyger. But of course not, lets stick with animals popular in Native American culture, history and stories rather than branch out of the box.)

“Maybe Caius didn’t understand real families — relationships based on love rather than just the love of power. Maybe he overestimated the potency of vengeance.”   (REAL families. The ones that get married just so they can bone, have babies that everyone else takes care of and has sordid quasi-love triangles. You know — families? Like the ones found on day time soap operas.)

“Edward was watching us now, his topaz eyes wide. Jacob stared at us from the corner of his big dark eye.”

“Edward’s and Jacob’s faces were almost identical masks of horror, despite the fact that one of them was an animal.”

“Edward leaned his head against the same shoulder where he’d placed Renesmee.”

“Goodbye, Jacob, my brother…  my son.” (723)   (And to think that earlier in this book, you offered up your wife to your future son in law to impregnate her. NICE.)

“A tear the size of a baseball rolled into the russet fur beneath his eye.”

“The strained peace of this summit already teetered more precariously than an elephant on a tightrope.”

Things That Really Irk Us

The chapter has crowds of vampires in it: nomads, vegeterians, “regular” vampires, friends, enemies, frenemies… but there is a COMPLETE lack of tension in the dialogue and the narrative. Yes, it is an angsty chapter because Bella is just plain angsty and this is from her POV. But seriously SMeyer, this is leading up to a FIGHT??

The random introduction and then ‘writing off’ of vampires. They are introduced for ONE line, make a statement and leave. WRITING FAIL.

Jacob is still sad about having to leave Bella with his future fuck buddy. Why  would anyone be sad to leave Bella?

Aro keeps pacing and saying “peace” and “peace be with you” — is he a priest now?

What is with all of the Volturi huddles? They LITERALLY form a circle, triangle or rhombus and THEN push their black cloaks up around them so nobody can see in… even though most of the vampires have powers that allow them to read minds or they have sharp hearing, etc.

Final Thoughts


Go to Chapter 38.

24 Responses to “37. Contrivances”

  1. […] sorry to torture you with the posting of Chapter 37, but you keep coming back for some […]

  2. what i HATE about this chapter is the potential it has! not just that there’s the hundered and something vampires that should all take turns killing bella. there’s the part where garret grabbed kate as she electrocuted him to protect her. it has real romantic potential, but smeyer just KILLS it.

  3. *sigh* so much wasted potential. i about cried when i realized meyer wasn’t going to do jack shit with any of the new characters she introduced. where she could have had them representing people from damn near all walks of life, she chose instead to keep them as flat as the stereotypes they were cookie-cuttered from. the romanian one could have been a dracula throwback. garret could have been an awkwardly sincere romantic. hell, the amazons could have become the series’ only canon gay couple. it wouldn’t have taken much to imply some strange level of intimacy between them. but no. -__-

  4. Aro keeps pacing and saying “peace” and “peace be with you”- is he a priest now?

    roflmao xD

    • Or a hippie, maybe… a hippie priest! Soon he will branch some LSD and everybody gets high! Yayy!

  5. I’m wondering where the fighting is. Weren’t they supposed to be fighting? I’m so lost… I want some action!

  6. Something tells me Meyer has never been in a fight her enitre life. Not so much passive agressive…more like chicken shit.
    Not every text needs to come from actual experience, but sweet Jesus, that dosent mean fiction is just fun assumptions.

  7. That ‘my … son’ bit of Ed’s made me crack up when I fisrt read it!! And that was when I actually liked this crappy, crappy book.

    • same! it’s sooooo disturbing. eddie earlier said he wanted to kill jacob for imprinting on nessie, now it’s “have fun fucking my daughter since i beat you to my wife!”

    • Well, it’s definitely gross but understandable on a level. After all, Edward is 100+ years old. And it’s still better than treating Jacob as their pet or slave (as Bella does).

  8. Even when I liked Twilight I hated Breaking Dawn. I found Nessie insanely annoying, found her and Jacob’s relationship creepy and was really annoyed when there wasn’t a massive fight at the end. Honestly- smeyer gives us loads of blood with the foetus explosion but no fight? What gives?

  9. The question: ‘What’s with the lame arse ending?’

    SMEYER’s answer: I’m not the kind of person who writes a Hamlet ending. If the fight had happened, it would have ended with 90% of the combatants, Cullen and Volturi alike, destroyed. There was simply no other outcome once the fight got started, given the abilities and numbers of the opposing sides. Because I would never finish Bella’s story on such a downer—Everybody dies!—I knew that the real battle would be mental. It was a game of maneuvering, with the champion winning not by destroying the other side, but by being able to walk away. This was another reason I liked the chess metaphor on the cover—it really fit the feel of that final game. I put a clue into the manuscript as well. Alice tore a page from The Merchant of Venice because the end of Breaking Dawn was going to be somewhat similar: bloodshed appears inevitable, doom approaches, and then the power is reversed and the game is won by some clever verbal strategies; no blood is shed, and the romantic pairings all have a happily ever after.


    Her stupidity makes me want to cry….

    • Wow… we love how she’s trying to logically explain her boring-as-fuck plot. Just stop, SMeyer. You are not allowed to compare your story to Shakespeare.

      Plus, vampire stories aren’t supposed to end happily ever after… they drink BLOOD for goodness sake; some BLOODSHED should be mandatory.

      • Very true indeed.
        Also – is it just me, or does everybody else imagine her saying this with an extremely whiney voice that resembles that one kid who ALWAYS put up there hand to answer the teachers question and ALWAYS got the answer wrong, but still thought they were ten times smarter then everybody else in the room? Everytime I read the ‘everybody dies’ part I just have this urge to poke her eye out with a fork. It is written in such a condescending manner – like ‘silly little children, it IS an exciting ending, you are just too dim witted to see how FANTASTIC it is’.

    • W-O-W.

      What she really means is: “This is simply wish fulfillment for me, and would I want to die? No! Not only that, but the masterbation value would have dropped, and I couldn’t stand for that.”


      On another note, I want to see how bad the manuscript was if the published version was this god awful.

    • SMeyer didn’t want the story to end on “such a downer”? Why the hell did she make it so damn depressing then? Oh, wait – I mean romantic.

      What she fails to mention along with her “clue” from “The Merchant of Venice” is that yes, there is bloodshed. Shylock gets screwed and has to pay the pound of his own flesh. Also, Shylock as a character is ten billion times more sympathetic than any “character” SMeyer created. Blech.

      • Please excuse me – I was incorrect. Shylock doesn’t pay with a pound of his own flesh – he ALMOST does, but the Duke spares his life. Shylock just loses his buisness, possessions, and religion – because as a Jew, he was not considered a “real” citizen, and is forced to convert to Christianity. So yeah, he gets screwed, but doesn’t bleed. My bad.

    • Wow, really? At least Rowling wasn’t afraid to kill off many of her best-loved characters; Meyer was probably scared that she’d lose half her fanbase if she killed Ed, and the other half if she killed Jacob.

      • Well, that actually makes sense.
        See, Rowling’s books rely on quality plot and character developement. Stephenie Meyer only has “Perfect” Sparklepires that are “LYK SOOOOO AMAZING! W-O-W” to captivate her desperate readers. If she killed a character off, the readers might come to their senses.

    • Wait, WHAT!?

      Chess is a game that calls for sacrificing your army to achieve the end of checkmating the opponent’s King. It’s a tactical game that translates all the massive thinking and strategies to action! You don’t play chess just by talking – empty words, yes, but talking nonetheless, which makes it even more annoying – and then hope to win the war just like that.

      That means all the previous training and stuff are useless.

      Seriously, I feel offended that she associated chess with her sorry piece of literary trash. The two are completely different things all together.

      EPIC FAIL.

  10. One thing I don’t understand. But it’s about the whole modern vampire mythology. Namely, why are werewolves and vampires enemies (from the dawn of time, blah blah blah)? Just doesn’t make sense to me. Oh well. Maybe it’s the same thing as with cats and dogs: poor communication kills.

  11. This could have been so awesome! Why? Why? Meyer, your editor SUCKS! I mean, it was almost like that situation where everyone is like, “We might get out of this alive,” and then something stupid happens. Damn you! And why is it okay for everyone to risk their lives in a battle for Renesmee and perfect Bella, but when their allies’ sister gets killed, it’s like, “Nah, she’s not worth it.”

  12. The “my brother, my son” line really freaked me out. It’s actually really sad that Nessie is only three months old and she is already having personal adult decisions made for her. I’d assume that that would really screw her up. But this is Twilight, where things like logic and common sense are pretty much dead, so that won’t happen. *heavy sigh*

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