13. Confessions

Chapter Synopsis

The premise of this chapter is: Edward picks Bella up, and wants to take her to a meadow to show her what he looks like in the sun. But, here’s where the book turns into a mildly smutty romance novel. Or at least that’s what you’d think if you just picked it up and turned to this page. There are so many mentions of Edward’s sparkly, incandescent skin that it kind of makes us uncomfortable. Followed by: So much dazzling. Golden Eyes. Sparkling skin. Teenage lust. Hand-holding. Closed eyes. Heavy breathing. Yummy-smelling breath. And this goes on for faaaaar to many pages. Then, Edward takes Bella home. The end.

We need to note that, this was the worst chapter to read by far. Even after finishing the book, this chapter makes us cringe the most. We threw the book across the room at least three times. We also stumbled over words from laughing so hard (apparently, at one point Edward ended up brushing Bella’s teeth instead of her cheek). We just can’t take it seriously (then again, who possibly could? oh, wait, nevermind… apparently everyone). So we had some fun. Keep reading.

Best Worst Lines

“The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.” (261)

“As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water.” (263)

“‘So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?’ he asked, in the gentle cadences of an earlier century.” (265)  (What does this even mean?)

“‘So, what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?’ I teased, trying to lighten the mood.

He smiled swiftly, seeming to appreciate my effort. ‘Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.'” (267-268)

“From the cheerful topic of my impending demise, we were suddenly declaring ourselves.” (274)

“‘And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…’ he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word.

‘What a stupid lamb,’ I sighed.

‘What a sick, masochistic lion.'” (274)

“I wanted to lean in, to inhale the scent of him.” (277)

“‘Will you turn into a bat?” I asked warily.” (279)   (Oh, if only.)

“‘You’re as white as a ghost — no, you’re as white as me!'” (281)   (It hurts. It hurts!)

“And he was right there, his face so close to mine. His beauty stunned my mind — it was too much, an excess I couldn’t grow accustomed to.” (281)

“‘Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?'” (283)

“‘Bella, I’ve already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I’m not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can’t even walk straight. Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk,’ he quoted with a chuckle. I could smell the unbearably sweet fragrance coming off his chest.

‘Drunk?’ I objected.

‘You’re intoxicated by my very presence.'” (284)

Things That Really Irk Us

The fact that it’s so bad that we had to amuse ourselves by totally mocking it the whole time. We’ve added a few new sections to this post in honor of this. For example, scroll down to find our (long) list of “That’s What She Said Moments” from this chapter. There are some good ones.

All the hand holding. And caressing. And tracing of veins. Ugh.

The fact that there is no “Spider Monkey” line in the book. Lame.

Also, does it not bother anyone else that Bella is fine and dandy with the fact that her boyfriend wants to eat her (in a totally non-sexual way)?? She keeps mentioning how alone they are in that meadow, and how scared she should be of Edward killing her. But then she’s all, “But I couldn’t be scared. Only dazzled.” This cannot be healthy.

That’s What She Said Moments

“Edward in the sunlight was shocking.” (260)

“‘Do you mind?’ I asked, for he had closed his eyes again.

‘No,’ he said, without opening his eyes. ‘You can’t imagine how that feels.’ He sighed.” (261)

“I looked into his eyes, abruptly grasping that this was every bit as new to him as it was to me. As many years of unfathomable experience as he had, this was hard for him, too. I took courage from that thought.” (266)

“‘That’s amazingly pleasant, the warmth.’ He sighed.” (267)

“‘He hasn’t had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell; in flavor.'” (268)

“‘You would have come,’ he promised.”

I tried to speak calmly. “Without a doubt.” (270)

“‘Yes, I so very nearly took you then.'” (270)

“I couldn’t think of anything, except that he was touching me.” (276)

“‘It won’t be so hard again,’ he said with satisfaction.

‘Was that very hard for you?’

‘Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?’

‘No, it wasn’t bad… for me.'” (276)

“So I dropped my hand and leaned away, no wanting to push him too far.” (277)

“And for the first time in my life, I felt the dizzy faintness of motion sickness.

Then it was over.

‘Exhilarting, isn’t it?’ His voice was high, excited.

He stood motionless, waiting for me to climb down. I tried, but my muscles wouldn’t respond. My arms and legs stayed locked around him while my head spun uncomfortably.

‘Bella,’ he asked, anxious now.

‘I think I need to lie down,’ I gasped.

‘Oh. Sorry.’ He waited for me, but I still couldn’t move.

‘I think I need help,’ I admitted.” (280)  

 (Bella totally just O’d.)

“‘I think I should have closed my eyes.’

‘Remember that next time.’

‘Next time!’ I groaned. He laughed, his mood still radiant. ‘Show off,’ I muttered. (281)

A Little Rewrite. Just For Funsies.

“‘I was afriad… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can’t fuck you. And I’m afraid that I’d like to fuck you, much more than I should.’ I looked down at his hands as I spoke. It was difficult for me to say this aloud.

‘Yes,’ he agreed slowly. ‘That is something to be afriad of, indeed. Wanting to fuck me. That’s really not in your best interest.’ I frowned.” (266)

Final Thoughts

We hope you enjoyed reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it. Too bad it meant we had to read the whole chapter twice. Look what we sacrifice for you people. Seriously.


Go to Chapter 14.

20 Responses to “13. Confessions”

  1. […] we added Chapters 11, 12, and 13. Definitely check out 13 — it’s really our pride and joy at this juncture. It’s […]

  2. “‘It won’t be so hard again,’ he said with satisfaction.” LOL.

  3. Worst chapter ever. But it was funny in its stupidity. I can’t believe people I know (including a relative who is almost 50 and majored in English and is a feminist) like this crap. Harry Potter 6 had much better romance.

  4. I can’t breathe!!!!!! Edward wound up brushing Bella’s teeth. I can’t get that picture out of my mind… “Beautiful? Bella this is the skin of a kill- wait, hold on second you’ve got a little bit of carrot stuck in your teeth there… hold on… I’ll get it…” Just rip, slip, brush, ahhh.

    It’s my favorite chapter for it’s shear comedic value.

    The funniest thing is that your rewrite could have… and essentially was in the books…

  5. Haha. Yeah, we’re pretty sure some teeth-brushing really would have enhanced the whole scene. You know, really added some action and dramatic tension. Will he brush them too hard and make her gums bleed??

  6. you read that twice?! You are my heroes!

  7. My friends and I aw the film… I think we ruined it for everyone else. We laughed most of the way through.

  8. I am literally crying with laughter. There are tears. For REAL.

  9. Oh and don’t forget how after the long hike it took to get to the meadow in the first place, Edward runs them back to the car in less than two minutes! Why couldn’t he do that in the first place so we didn’t have to listen to twenty pages of Bella complaining about the hike!?!

  10. Or maybe she is still intoxicated from her “gratuitous drug use”

  11. OMG I nearly DIED of laughter..! Nahh, just overreacting. But that was some REALLY funny stuff! WOW. that chapter was just…WOW. SO STUPID. And…just…WOW. =))))))))
    (He “accidentally” brushed her teeth by mistake? Really? BWAHAHAHA *tears of laughter*)

  12. masochistic- Pleasure in being abused or dominated.
    Sadistic- Delight in cruelty
    so the “lion” likes being dominated by the”lamb”?
    Lesson: Use a Thesaurus. It could save logic.

  13. The Lion and The Lamb? OMG just when this book could not get any stupider, it suddenly does…

  14. I’m surprised ya’ll didn’t have anythign to say about his little temper tantrum. I was really looking forward to seeing what you guys were going to do with that!

  15. There was no skin of a killer line either. I was really hoping that was in the book. Sure sounds like it would be. The that’s what she said moments really made my day!

    • We had way too much fun with those “That’s what she said” moments throughout these books…

  16. If Bella took an IQ test, I wonder what the results would be?

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