18. WTF? (or Fetus Explosion)

18. There Are No Words For This

Chapter Synopsis

For a moment, everyone just stares at an unconscious, convulsing, blood-spewing Bella. Jacob notes “cracking” noises, which must mean the baby is trying to kick its way out of Bella’s abdomen. (Why doesn’t it chew itself out? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work?) Rosalie and Edward finally come to their senses and rush Bella upstairs, where Carlizzle’s operating room and supply of morphine are. Edward calls for Alice to get Carlisle on the phone. Of course the majority of the Cullens are missing for the blessed event, no doubt to add more “suspense” to the whole ordeal.

Bella flops around on the table while Rosalie rips off her clothes and Jacob tries not to delight in seeing her naked. Someone decides the placenta must have detached, and the baby is now suffocating. Bella somehow comes to, and starts screaming for them to get the baby out NOW. Then she pukes up more blood.

Alice, all pixie-like, inserts a Bluetooth into Rosalie’s ear. Rosalie grabs a scalpel and cuts into Bella’s stomach. There’s a lot of blood gushing from Bella — from her big ugly belly, her mouth. We’re pretty sure she should be really dead by now.

All the blood starts to get to Rosalie, so Jacob attacks her and throws her out of the way. She doesn’t fight back (though Jake does get a scalpel to the arm), and allows Alice to drag her by the throat out of the room. Now it’s just Eddie-kins, Jacob, and a very bloody Bella, who may or may not be breathing anymore. Edward tells Jacob to start doing CPR on Bella just before another loud crack sounds and Bella’s legs go limp. Now that’s what we call an epidural.

Upon administering CPR, Jake notes that Bella’s lips taste like blood. No way. Really? She’s only been vomiting gallons of it. But he also notes that her heart is still beating. Good sign?

Then comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Edward uses his vampy fangs to chew through Bella’s baby bump. … Let’s state that again: Ed uses his FANGS to perform a C-section on Bella. … WTFUCK? We really can’t wait to see this on film.

Jacob continues to blow air into Bella’s mouth, begging her to stay with him. Her eyes are open and darting around though, which confuses us, since we thought most people requiring CPR were, you know, passed out and not breathing. Bella finally stops jerking around, and Jacob realizes that must mean the demon spawn is out of her.

And, surprise! It’s a girl, not a boy like they’d been insisting. Bella reaches out for little Renesmee, and Edward hands her over. The babe bites Bella on the boob (out of affection or hunger, we wonder?), and that’s all Bella’s heart can take — it stops beating.

Jacob frantically begins CPR again. Edward tells Jacob to take the baby, but Jake suggests that Daddy throw Baby out the window. However, Rosalie reappears in the doorway to whisk Renesmee away while the boys try to save Bella.

Edward is armed with a syringe full of his venom, which he injects straight into Bella’s heart. Jacob continues CPR while Edward bites Bella in strategic places in order to spread the venom as quickly as possible. But Jacob’s hope is running out — he thinks to himself that they’re just working over a corpse now; the shell of the girl they both love. Blah blah. Angst angst. Jacob decides Bella must really be dead, because the “pull” he usually feels around her is gone; he feels pulled in the opposite direction now.

So Edward tells him to leave. Jacob heads morosely down the stairs, listening to the dull thud of Bella’s heart as Ed forces it to beat. He decides this must be his sea of pain, and wishes he could bleach-fry his brain so he doesn’t have to think about what he just witnessed. (Us, too.) Jacob is about to force himself out the door when he notices Rosalie on the couch, feeding Renesmee a blood bottle.

“Strength and hate and heat” wash over him, and he decides Sam was right the whole time — the baby is a monster and should be destroyed. And he’s going to do it. The pull is now toward this abomination, and he doesn’t care if Rosalie tries to kill him for it afterward. He briefly thinks about the consequences (and how he doesn’t give a damn about them), and then gets ready to pounce.

But then something happens. Rosalie shifts the baby over her shoulder, and Renesmee looks at Jacob. And the heat inside him changes — from a burning to a glowing. Suddenly, Renesmee is the center of everything, and nothing else matters. Not the rage he was feeling seconds ago, or the racing beat of Bella’s heart that begins again upstairs. No, it’s only the blood-sucking baby with her big brown eyes.

At last, Jacob has imprinted.

On Bella’s newborn baby.

Ew.

Best Worst Lines

If we could, we would just copy and paste this entire chapter. It’s that terrible.

“I wanted to somehow pour bleach inside my head and let it fry my brain.”

“Her hand came down on Bella’s stomach, and vivid red spouted out from where she pierced the skin. It was like a bucket being turned over, a faucet twisted to full. Bella jerked, but didn’t scream. She was still choking.”   (How is she still alive? Our minds are boggled.)

“I blew more air into her mouth, but there was nothing there. Just the lifeless rise of her chest in response. I kept pumping her heart, counting, while he worked manically over her, trying to put her back together. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men…

But there was nothing there, just me, just him.

Working over a corpse.

Because that’s all that was left of the girl we both loved. This broken, bled-out, mangled corpse. We couldn’t put Bella together again.” (355)

“This was it, then. The ocean of pain. The other shore so far away across the boiling water that I couldn’t imagine it, much less see it.” (356)

“Sam had been right. The thing was an aberration—its existence went against nature. A black, soulless demon. Something that had no right to be.”   (While ‘aberration’ technically works here [meaning an anomaly or something peculiar], it doesn’t seem nearly dramatic enough a word to go with the rest of this paragraph. Did you perhaps mean ‘abomination’ SMeyer? Probably. Fail.)

“Everything inside me came undone as I stared at the tiny porcelain face of the half-vampire, half-human baby. All the lines that held me to my life were sliced apart in swift cuts, like clipping the strings to a bunch of balloons. Everything that made me who I was — my love for the dead girl upstairs, my love for my father, my loyalty to my new pack, the love for my other brothers, my hatred for my enemies, my home, my name, my self — disconnected from me in that second — snip, snip, snip — and floated up into space.

I was not left drifting. A new string held me where I was.

Not one string, but a million. Not strings, but steel cables. A million steel cables all tying me to one thing — to the very center of the universe.

I could see that now — how the universe swirled around this one point. I’d never seen the symmetry of the universe before, but now it was plain.

The gravity of the earth no longer tied me to the place where I stood.

It was the baby girl in the blond vampire’s arms that held me here now.

Renesmee.” (360)

(… We actually agree with SMeyer’s title for this chapter. Because there are no words for this.)

Things That Really Irk Us

Umm… everything. While we delight in this chapter for its sheer ridiculousness, that same ridiculousness drives us crazy. This has gone beyond overdramatic into a whole new realm of batshit cazy. SMeyer, you’ve outdone yourself.

Final Thoughts

So, is anyone else really starting to wonder how the hell they’re going to turn this book into a movie? Do you think the actors really realize what they’re in for? We’re actually kind of looking forward to it. So far, we’ve got bed-breaking sex, a surprise pregnancy that’s gross and wrong, the mother drinking blood from a sippy cup, and an F-section (C-section-by-fangs). … It’s a cinematic gem already.

We connected two polls to this chapter — one about what you THINK will happen, and another for what you’d WANT to see happen with this chapter in said film. The polls are now closed, but you can check out the results here.

Go to Book Three — Bella.

34 Responses to “18. WTF? (or Fetus Explosion)”

  1. I know! My sister and I have been wondering about the movie ever since we read the book. We were making ‘WTF’ faces the whole time.

  2. OH MY GOD!!! This was much more disgusting than I had even imagined – grosser even than the chest-busting scenes in the “Alien” movies. Eddie performing a C-section with his teeth? Bella losing apparent gallons of blood but not actually dying until the little demon BITES HER IN THE BREAST? Rosalie feeding the baby a BOTTLE OF BLOOD?! Puke! All of this summed up with Jacob imprinting on a newborn… SMeyer, you are sicker than Stephen King, and not in a good way.

  3. I don’t… I can’t even… this is just… ew… I mean really. The way she describes these things must be UNBELIEVABLE! How disgusting… it just… *shivers* The way SMeyer speaks of blood coming from Bella is simply horrid. It’s so gross.

    I’ll have to leave the theater if things get to funky with the blood, which with SMeyer working on scripts… It will be. *shivers again* This is horrible. I might not be able to stomach this film… I might not be able to do it.

    To make this chapter alone the movie will have to be rated X… I’m not even kidding. Bella is completly NAKED the ENTIRE time! Jake even kind of likes it at first… sicko. THis whole thing is going to be a fiasco of film making and it makes my soul cry a little just thinking about how far movies have gone…

    • It;s even more disgusting though when you think about Jacob and his imprint. I mean, what if he had got together with Bella? and had kids? He would have imprinted on his own child.

      • Yes, but it’s the male that determines the baby’s sex, not the female. So if Jacob did” sense” Renesmee before she was conceived, shouldn’t he have fallen in love with EDWARD?
        Poop, I smell a fanfic! 😀

  4. Geez, this was like a bad ER/The Texas Chain Saw Massacre crossover written by a retarded suethor. I haven’t seen any of the movies and I don’t want to, but I’ll frantically try to find this scene when this film is released. It’ll probably make me lol forever.

    Jacob aka Pedobear Black makes me sick. Way to go, SMeyer!

    By the way, Edward takes Renestard out with his fangs? You mean his sharp, vampire fangs? How come? I thought Meyerpires didn’t have those! Oh, wait, she’s retconning again. Okay, fine, whatever you want, ma’am.

  5. The science/medicine fail hurts me.

    I read the chapter. The fail is about to make me cry.

  6. This is… EWWWWW! *tries not to throw up* Just… disgusting! I knew that SM’s imagination was cheesy, tiring and loathsome, but this was way too much for me. Seriously, it is not even funny now! Showing the process of child-bearing in such a horroristic way… I know that it goes with a lot of pain and it can severely wear someone down but after reading this chapter one can think that it is the worst nightmare that a woman can go through! How can a mother think like this? To imagine that she has three children… How does she treat them? I hope they never going to read this piece of rubbish, otherwise they might go mad because of remorse! SM, you’re the meanest bitch on earth who has to be stabbed through her black and rotten heart. Now. Before you can do any more harm.
    Fortunately many of the fans don’t like this volume and this way they can retain a tiny part of their common sense. Or I hope so.
    The factual errors seemed almost bearable compared to other aspects detailed above. At least they had been made enjoyable. 🙂
    To sum up, I totally agree with Jacob. No words for this. Only the cries of suffering.

  7. And yes the chapter that defines how completely crazy the series is! Ok so all we need to do is convince Rob Zombie to direct the forth movie and we’ll have an epic film.

  8. Oh, the imprinting. Almost forgot it. Yet another piece of sheer abomination (the perfect word for it!). And another reason to kill SM right now. BTW sorry about my English, I was too pissed off to write carefully.

  9. …And Bella couldn’t even do the decent thing and die. How much blood did she lose? And to survive losing it all so quickly? I think people with medical degrees are whacking their heads against the wall right about now.

    • Actually I think the people with medical degrees hung themselves some time during the second book.

      • I’m taking only my pre-medicine course right now, not even in the proper yet, and I was ready to throw myself off the roof.

    • That’s something that even people without medical degrees might be doing by now. You don’t need any degree for this. Only a couple of biology lessons in elementary school. Which SM obviously didn’t have.

      • Really all you need is common sense…
        Buckets of blood.
        That would be most, if not all, of the blood in the human body…

  10. You just know they’ll try and twist this scene in the film to be all about devotion; it wont even matter how over the top it is. No matter how it is treated, twitards will still squee their pants into a new liquid when Pattinson bites into Stewart whilst Lautner locks lips with her. The real deal will be pedo-Jacob. Maybe we’ll see more “media” coverage when that starts getting sensationalized about how this whole Twilight thing might be a bad idea…

    • Yeah, we’re interested to see the reaction to this movie. Not only will critics be super annoyed with the whole series by then, but you’re right — maybe someone important will point out how unhealthy and creepy this last book is…

  11. Ya know…I actually liked the chapter for all the blood. Once I ditch logic and endure this …There are No Words for This. It kinda reminds me of Star Trek TNG episode 25 where they shoot this alien guy, his head explodes, and this gross worm thing crawls out of his gut. I can only hope Breaking Dawn: The Movie is filmed like this. I’ll pay good money to watch it in fact. The Fail in this is so epic, I might say it is a win for being such an epic fail, if that makes sense.

    As for pedowolf Jacob…now that’s too gross. Reading about that puts me into a comatose wreckage a la New Moon.

  12. I can live with this chapter. Yes, for all its bloody, gory (and let’s face it, pointless) detail, it is undeniably the worst of the worst chapters in the books but if Midnight Sun is going to feature next/at all, then Eddie and Bella’s first meeting as told from his point of view (I have no desire to check which chapter) is… beyond words. I’m shaking with rage and despair just thinking about it.

  13. Ugh…I hated this chapter…And Stephenie Meyer is so flipping stupid!!! I teach CPR and First Aid and any moron should know that a person who is breathing, has a pulse, and is apparently conscious DOES NOT REQUIRE CPR. CPR is only to be administered on people in cardiac arrest (who are clinically dead) DUH!!! Also, the purpose of CPR is to continue pumping the blood through the body because the heart can’t (that’s why you don’t do CPR on someone who still has a pulse) and if Bella’s fat belly is completely cut open with blood spilling out, doing compressions will just quicken the blood loss (causing her to die faster). GOOD JOB STEPHENIE MEYER!!! YOU ARE A MORON!!!

  14. I read this book when it first came out, and I just realized … you’re perfectly right! I love the maker of this site. 😉

  15. Oh god… I have a feeling I’m going to have to make a whole new drinking game to get through this chapter… 😦
    FML.

    • I agree with Kenny, we should have a Twilight drinking game–whenever there is a plot hole, cheesy line, or ridiculously impossible (even for fiction) moment, everyone take a shot…that way we won’t have to read the entire book…or get past the second chapter! I love this site, by the way!

  16. What I really want to know is why the fuck Edward has a syringe of his own poison, if he has hard marble skin that is impenetrable and non existent fangs. Even if these fangs DO exist, they should break everything they come in contact with due to his superhuman power – so HOW would this not break the syringe??? I have so many questions I just want to ask SMeyer SOMEHOW and then laugh at her when she can’t explain. Also, if she says “it’s my world created for me” I will actually kick her in the uterus.

  17. Apparently they’re going to show this part from Bella’s perspective in the movie. Y’know, all blurry and everything? If that happens, then this movie is going to suck even more than I thought. The only reason I was going to see it was for the birth scene.

  18. You know what’s funny? Meyer doesn’t think that we can handle a sex scene, but she thinks we can handle this! This is some seriously messed up thinking! I’m actually scared.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: