21. First Hunt

Chapter Synopsis

Bella is freaking hungry, and despite the fact that she is totally immortal with super strength, we find her bitching to Edward about having to jump out of the second story window. Of course, Eddie-kins can ALWAYS carry her. Despite being garbed in high heels and a blue silky cocktail dress, Bella is able to maintain a graceful appearance whilst jumping out of windows, over rivers, and running through the woods. (The jumping over the river part lasts at least two pages, and involves Bella worrying about hurting the trees.)

Bella keeps getting distracted from the hunting portion of this trip, as she is amazed at her speed and her ability to outdo Edward in just about everything but running (though we don’t know what her sparkle abilities will be in comparison to his own). Everything is just SO exhilarating.  The twosome are hunting elk… yummm.

Of course, the wind wafts the smell of human hikers their way, and Bella takes off after them. Edward follows her, and he and wifey nearly have their first domestic fight. But of course Bella realizes what is going on in time, throws in the towel, and retreats north — far away form the smell. Of course, in SMeyer world, all goes to plan and Bella is an exceptional newbie with the ability to rationalize while hunting and to shy away from the temptation of human blood. (Laaame.)

Throughout the hunting adventure, Bella drinks a mountain lion, and has the dress she’s wearing torn to shreds. And there’s an attempt at a woodland sex scene because hunting together is just SO sensual. But their stupid kid distracts them from a wild romp in the dirt. 

Best Worst Lines

“Also, this dress — that Alice must have put me in sometime when I was too lost in the burning to notice — was not what I would have picked out for either jumping or hunting. Tightly fitted ice-blue silk? What did she think I would need it for? Was there a cocktail party later?”

“Suddenly, I was anxious again. Not about falling or getting hurt — I was more worried about the forest getting hurt.”   (W-T-fuck? REALLY? Maybe SMeyer is an environmentalist too!)

“’This is fine,’ I agreed, concentrating less on what he was saying and more on the mesmerizing way his lips moved when he spoke. It was hard not to become sidetracked with everything fresh in my strong new eyes.”

“My mouth felt like four o’clock on a June afternoon in Death Valley.”

“’Now close your eyes,’ he murmured. When I obeyed, he raised his hands to my face, stroking my cheekbones. I felt my breathing speed and waited briefly again for the blush that wouldn’t come.”   (Get it? Get it? Because she’s s vampire now — BAZINGA!)

“’Yes.’ His tone was approving. ‘Now… wait for the breeze again and… what do you smell?’

Mostly him — his strange honey-lilac-and-sun perfume.”   (Ugh. Enough with the “sun” smell. What does that even MEAN? We suppose that a lot of vampires in this book must smell like air.)

“’But I growled at you!’ I was still horrified that I was physically capable of such blasphemy.”   (Bella, you silly bitch. You should be put in the stocks for that!)

“Such powerful emotions. I’d been prepared for the thirst part, but not this. I’d been so sure it wouldn’t be the same when he touched me. Well, truthfully, it wasn’t the same.

It was stronger.” (420)

“It was a surprisingly sensual experience to observe Edward hunting.” (425)   (Wait, what?)

“My old mind hadn’t been capable of holding this much love. My old heart had not been strong enough to bear it.” (426)

“I would probably never be able to do anything interesting or special like Edward, Alice, and Jasper could do. Maybe I would just love Edward more than anyone in the history of the world had ever loved anyone else.”   (*Gags*. This WOULD be the ‘superpower’ that SMeyer gives Mary Sue.)

Things That Really Irk Us

Bella complains about things people have done to her, such as putting her in a silky blue dress, and yet she cannot find it in her power to say ‘hey bitches. Timethefuckout. This outfit is RIDICULOUS, give me some jeans and a t-shirt, please.’ I’m sure this is another of SMeyer’s attempts to make everything sexy. GAG

Bella’s ability to simply glide over EVERY mountainous problem she should have as a newborn. The lack of tension and the sheer predictability of this series is terrible, and this chapter does not help.

Bella just had a baby. Not only was the baby ripped out of her via Eddie-kins giving her a C-section with his effing teeth, but she finds herself having to be continually reminded she has a baby with Edward because she’s SO caught up in his beauty. … Does this sound wrong to anybody else?

Final Thoughts

We vote Edward and Bella worst parents of the year. Of the world. We nominate them for life fail, as well.

Go to Chapter 22.