5. Blood Type

Chapter Synopsis

Bella is late to class (we’ve given up on knowing what day it is) and is further upset when she doesn’t notice Edward at lunch. But then Bella’s bff-er Jessica points out that Edward is staring at her from a different table, where there is an empty seat waiting for Bella.

Edward smiles crookedly. Repeatedly. Bella drinks lemonade, and Edward continues smiling crookedly. They talk, and Edward asks for Bella’s theories about the origins of his abnormal strength and agility. He (you guessed it) smiles crookedly at her response. Edward is skipping Biology (we as readers figure out why) because he knows that the lab is blood-typing, and he doesn’t want to jizz in his pants in front of the class again (it was embarassing enough the first time).

Bella, despite her pasty white skin, dark hair, dark eyes and apparent ability to smell other people’s blood, is not a vampire (nor does she know Edward is, yet). In fact, the lab makes her faint, and Mike takes her half way to the nurse’s office. Edward, swooping in from his shiny Volvo, scoops her up and carries her the rest of the way. There is much of the crooked smiling and ogling between our two young, angsty, love-haters. 

Bella skips gym and invites Edward to go to La Push that weekend with Mike and his band of gangly, ditzy friends with skin problems. Edward drives Bella home and his sister, Alice, takes her truck home. They talk in the car on the way, and Bella discovers that Edward, too, enjoys himself some Debussy. Edward informs her he and Emmett are going hiking in the Goat Rocks — so no beach or tanning for Edward this weekend.

Best Worst Lines

(This chapter is abundant.)

“It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real.” (87)

“Holy Crow! How did he do that.” (92)   (Holey-rusted metal, Batman!!!)

“What if I’m not a superhero, what if I’m the bad guy?” (92)

“Mike Shmike.” (103)   (Bella is clearly trying to be an old Jewish woman. Please stop, Bella.)

“His voice was like melting honey.” (102)   (It makes a noise when it melts? We always thought that was our microwave…)

(There are many more we could add, but we think you get the idea for now.)

Things That Really Irk Us

Apparently, Edward Cullen has been kicked in the face one too many times by the goats and various animals he has eaten, and has a permanently crooked smile. To us, this is not endearing, but says “I need a good plastic surgeon to fix my displaced jaw.”

The fact that Edward listens to Debussy bothers us, mostly because it is as if Meyer is trying to tell teens around the world that you aren’t cool unless you listen to Debussy. Nobody who reads this and hears of Debussy for the first time is going to enjoy his works because of his music, but because it’s in that cool book that chick wrote with the hot vampire… maybe he’ll like me if I listen to Debussy too.

Edward’s eyes begin to scorch in this chapter — which is something else that will continue to annoy us throughout the book.

Final Thoughts

Edward literally sweeps Bella off her feet? Really? Gag. Somehow we must be missing something, because we’re finding this extremely lame and painful thus far. Remind us again why Edward is so dreamy? So far he just seems moody and kind of an ass. Oh wait, that’s right… he sparkles eventually, doesn’t he? And Bella… let’s not even go there. She’s so emo and angsty that it almost makes us want to cake on the black eyeliner.

Go to Chapter 6.