23. Memories

Chapter Synopsis

Bella, in an angry newborn rage, almost killed Jacob by ripping his head off. Seth hopped in between them and ended up with broken bones, but it’s no big deal. Bella feels bad about losing it and almost killing her bestie. The conversation quickly shifts to Reneesme (or ‘Nessie’) and how she always bites Jacob (good thing she’s not venomous, because then she’d kill him). Bella and Edward go for a walk leaving Reneesme, yet again, under the watchful eyes of Rose and Jacob.

We learn Reneesme is untouchable by the wolf packs now because she and Jacob are bound together, and killing someone that one of the pack is bound to is very painful for the ENTIRE pack. Therefore, Sam’s pack has reconciled with Jacob, Leah and Seth, and the way that they function is different. Now, there are two alphas and Jacob has more control over who read his thoughts and which ones they have access to. (How this is relevant to anything else in this chapter, we do not understand.)

…Back to the story line… What to do about Claude?! The Cullens’ vote was to tell him Bella died and then go through the funeral in order to protect them all from the Volturi. But how else could she go about not breaking his heart? She is so obviously a sparklepire with her red, blood thirsty eyes (what, vampies can’t wear colored contacts?). What about separating Jacob and Reneesme? How would Jacob make it through without seeing the baby/his future fuck buddy every day? (Yes, it’s gross to think of a baby that way, but it’s true. We just wanted to say it out loud once to see how it felt… we feel dirty and disgusting.)

Carlizzle interrupts Bella’s thoughts (thank God), and goes to measure Reneesme for the fourth time that day. Despite looking like a 3-month-old baby, she has ringlets that fall below her shoulders. (FAIL) Reneesme’s power seems to be “memory eyes” (no, really… SMeyer calls them “her memory eyes”) and her ability to recall events with precise detail by touching people’s faces.

For some reason, at some point, Jasper flips his shit and pins Bella’s arms down. Jasper has a bug up his ass and nobody knows why, but everybody knows he’ll be okay after he goes for his walk. Carlizzle breaks the news that Jasper is upset with himself for not reacting to his newborn-ness with the calm, collected manner that Bella has. Then Bella pouts because her superpower might only be self-control (which makes no sense since she just tried to kill Jacob, but we’ll ignore that for now). The Cullens mull this possibility over.

We learn that vampires never need to ‘fidget’ and can stand or sit still forever, and that Bella is conscious of this now that she’s turned. But now, she has to incorporate the stupid little things like crossing her legs and shifting her weight to keep from letting on to her sparklepire secret!

Then she spends some ‘alone time’ with Renesmee and continues to reminisce about her former life as a measly mortal as she watches her baby dream. Then, from out of the forest, comes the smiling, leaping, dancing, twirling, splashing Cullen clan with a birthday greeting: Bella is nineteen!

Best Worst Lines

“…I got up; the motion didn’t jostle the couch in the slightest. Everything physical was so easy. But the rest…”   (We get it. You’re all nimbly-bimbly like a cat. We would like it if you would shut-the-fuck-up-meow. And yes, we still understand that you are emotionally underdeveloped, like a child experiencing their terrible twos whilst experiencing menopause and possibly pregnant. And guess what? We’re BOTHERED.)

“There was still my idea — let Charlie see me, when I was ready for that, and let him make his own wrong assumptions. Technically, the vampire rules would remain unbroken. Wouldn’t it be better for Charlie if he knew that I was alive — sort of — and happy? Even if I was strange and different and probably frightening to him?”   (Wait, wait. Bella’s happy? Her happy is pretty pathetic. Her happy is the kind of happy people are when they find out that nasty rash isn’t syphilis, it’s just a nasty case of some weird fungal skin infection.)

“She looked perfect, absolutely healthy. Her skin glowed like backlit alabaster; the color in her cheeks was rose petals against it. There couldn’t be anything wrong with such radiant beauty. Surely there could be nothing more dangerous in her life than her mother. Could there?”

“Thirstiness was way down the list right now. Besides, Renesmee smelled good in a very non-food way.” (462)

“For a tiny space, I was disappointed. What? No magic visions, no formidable offensive abilities like, oh, shooting lightning bolts from my eyes or something? Nothing helpful or cool at all?” (466)   (Nope, Bella, you still suck.)

“Mesmerized, I watched her dreams. There was no sense to it. Just colors and shapes and faces. I was pleased by how often my face — both of my faces, hideous human and glorious immortal — cropped up in her unconscious thoughts.” (469)

Things That Really Irk Us

After having his heart stomped on multiple times by Bella, risking his life for her and watching her use and abuse him, Bella tries to KILL Jacob. All for nicknaming her baby after a sea monster. And he doesn’t even phase to protect himself from her newbie strength. It’s official — we need to form a search party to search for Jacob’s testicles.

Is it just us, or does Jacob spend more time with Edward and Bella’s bastard spawn than her own parents? Let’s hope this part of the story is not based on SMeyer’s own parenting skills.

Rose and Jacob are all buddy-buddy now. BOTHERED.

SMeyer makes the most RANDOM stuff seem like a dead giveaway for sparklepires. Such as standing in one spot too long/sitting still, etc. We don’t know about the rest of the world, but when people stand and sit still we just assume that they are comfortable. CRAZY. We know. That and the fact that anyone who was a human turned vampire even has to THINK about doing these things… when you’re annoying like Bella and twirl your hair all the damned time it should be a regular tick, sparklepire or stupid, ugly, emo mortal.

Final Thoughts

We would like to give Bella a good dose of humility, a bit of sense and perhaps some Zoloft. On the other hand, we would like LOTS and LOTS of booze to get through the rest of this book… and maybe some light horse tranquilizers.

Go to Chapter 24.

18 Responses to “23. Memories”

  1. the book sounds incredibly boring.

  2. seriously? i cant imagine the motivation for reading these books.

  3. I fail to see how Jake could have control over who reads his mind just because he is the second alpha. If they have the ability to read minds then… shouldn’t everybody be… well then again there’s Bella… and Eddie can’t read her mind. It still makes no sense. That and the fact that all other conflict with the wolves is suddenly resolved…. “Oh Jake imprinted on a baby. We are all friends again. End of troubles.”

    I also fail to see how two alpha males are going to work out…

  4. Yes, but that’s just how SMeyer does things — instant conflict resolution that makes absolutely no sense at all.

  5. like so many others, nothing HAPPENS in this chapter! how can such a long book be filled with so much nothing? Seinfeld has more plot than this, and it admits to having no plot. honestly, how many pages can be filled just by listing synonyms for “sparkly”, “torture”, and “golden”????

  6. Uh. According to this series, being a vampire means you are beautiful beyond measure, live forever PLUS have some cool superpowers as extras. Doesn’t it sound great? Yeah, you have to suck innocent creatures’ blood every now and then but who cares? Being a Meyerpire is now more wonderful than an episode of My Little Pony.
    And yes, Bella has almost torn Jake’s head off so she must have as much self-controll as a spoilt little brat. Oh wait, she IS a spoilt little brat. This explains everything. “Hideous human”??? One day I’ll take a stake and kill you Bella. Beware.

  7. Oh no! Today I saw a man who stood still, without fidgeting! Now I know why. He must be a Meyerpire! HELP!

  8. Wolf-pack structure fail. Bella overreaction fail. Basic knowledge of child development fail. Consistency fail. Plot fail. Character development fail. Bella all of a sudden caring about Charlie’s feelings fail. Level of interesting stuff fail. FAIL, SMEYER! JUST 100% FAIL!

    Also, when a freakish demon child bites, it’s not cute! It’s creepy beyond all belief!

  9. Meyerpire…brilliant!

  10. someone call buffy. please. PLEASE.

  11. I just died a little on the inside.

  12. Wow could that chapter be any more random?

  13. It sounds as if Nessie looks just like one of those painted porchelain dolls in 1800 style, rather than an actual baby.

  14. This chapter is a rip-off of Anne Rice’s books: the vampire child with ringlets; vampires being perfectly still. Although in Rice’s hands, the stillness was eerie, a sign of their inhumanness overtaking them.

    Here, it’s another wish-fulfillment fantasy: “I don’t have to fidget anymore like a stupid neurotic housewife—er, I mean, human! A stupid human!” These books give me a disturbingly clear picture of what Smeyer hates about herself.

  15. Awwww…Nessie doesn’t have venom? She can’t go crazy and kill Jacob and Bella and Edward and those other vampires whose names no one remembers?? Damn….

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