3. Phenomenon

Chapter Synopsis

Bella drives to school the next day, but not before she tries to show her supposed clumsiness by mentioning slipping on ice in her driveway. We feel this is silly; most people slip on ice, yes? This a character flaw does not make, Stephenie Meyer. 

Upon her arrival in the parking lot, Tyler nearly crushes Bella with his out-of-control van — twice. Amazingly, and with the speed and agility of a mongoose, Edward bitch slaps the van and saves Bella’s yummy smelling, strawberry-scented locks. She is rushed to the hospital, fighting with Edward about how he ended up at her side so quickly. Tyler keeps apologizing. A lot.

Bella meets Carlisle Cullen — the somewhat “dishy” 28-30-year-old foster father of five dishy children who all look like they walked off the cover of an airbrushed fashion magazine. (Bella makes sure to mention this more than once.)

And Bella is determined to figure out exactly how Edward saved her and bench pressed the van whilst keeping her skull intact, when he had been all the way across the parking lot. But Edward’s perfect lips are sealed.

Best Worst Lines

“Edward was standing at the foot of my bed, smirking.  I glared at him.  It wasn’t easy — it would have been more natural to ogle.” (61)   (Gaaaag.)

“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face.  It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.” (65)   (Again… too painful for words.)

Things That Really Irk Us

The unnecessary use of multiple adjectives, especially when used to describe Edward (or any other Cullen, for that matter). Clearly, Meyer never learned the KISS rule: keep it simple, stupid. Sometimes (and, in this case, all the time), less is more.

After Edward saves Bella and she’s on the ground, they are surrounded by a crowd of weeping classmates. … Really? Nobody is dead. They must love motorized vehicles in Forks. Oh my.

Final Thoughts

“That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.” (67)  Come on. W-T-FUCK?

Go to Chapter Four.

9 Responses to “3. Phenomenon”

  1. Smeyer definitely raped her thesaurus just by describing Eddy-kins D: There are only so many words to describe people and I bet she used most of them*shakes head*

  2. LOL! Cause what’s a story without a … DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!!! wtf

  3. YESSSSSS!!!!! i loved this part because for one fleeting instant i thought she might die. I find the fact that smeyer spends a paragraph to describe stuff is very ‘lol’ worthy. She must have used every word from dazzle to chagrin a dozen times in that stanky book.

  4. I think I should read this piece of shit in the originals (I have read a translation) it sounds a lot more stupid.

    P.s. This site is GREAT!

  5. I was/am *so* Team Tyler’s Van

    It was so close! Until the stupid sparklepire crushed it

    Let’s have a moment of silence for it’s valiant effort

  6. oh yes, tyler’s van gave it a good try. WHY CAN’T SHE JUST DIIIEEEE?
    such a missed opportunity…
    and i love how glaring has suddenly become an olympic sport…

    hey, bella, careful, you got a little bit of drool right there…maybe you should stop staring at discoballboy

  7. Hahaha!! I just found out what a Destroying Angel is. It’s a toxic mushroom!! Edward is a mushroom! lol 🙂

  8. How come nobody noticed the giant dent in the van’s side even though Bella’s completely unharmed?

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