6. Scary Stories

Chapter Synopsis

It’s the big weekend trip to La Push beach on a uncharacteristically sunny day. Mike lights things on fire to impress Bella (the driftwood turns cool colors). Bella, keeping Edward’s warnings in mind, decides to be cautious about hiking to the tide pools (AKA “ocean pods” according to Bella) with Mike and Jessica, and manages not to fall in (darn).

Back around the fire… enter Jacob Black. From Bella’s description, he sounds nearly as perfect as Edward. Only with dark, non-sparkly skin. And a husky voice. Mmm. Jacob and Bella chat for way too long, and Bella tries out this little thing called flirting in order to get Jacob to talk about the Cullens. Poor young, innocent, moronic Jacob. He falls for it and tells Bella a “scary story.” (Dun dun duuuuuunnnn.)

In it, Bella learns that Jacob’s tribe (the Quileutes — yeah, we can’t figure out how to pronounce it, either) are descended from (what she would call) werewolves, and that the Cullens are really (what she would call) vampires. (We wonder what anyone else would call them?) Bella goes home and tries not to think.

Best Worst Lines

“The worst part about Friday was that, even though I knew he wasn’t going to be there, I still hoped.” (111)

Things That Really Irk Us

Do we even need to mention Bella’s sad attempts at flirting? We think not. What bothers us most is how she keeps going on about how awkward she is. Yeah, Bella. We get it — you’re clumsy, awkward, pasty, and angsty.

Meyer’s description of the tide pools is really long, detailed, and completely out of place. She uses a hoard of unnecessarily large words, and ends the whole thing with Bella wondering what Ed is up to. Ugh.

Final Thoughts

We don’t really give a shit about Bella anymore. We’re just in it now for those tide pools.

P.S. — Really. Seriously. How the fuck do you pronounce “Quileutes”? It’s bothering us.

Go to Chapter 7.

31 Responses to “6. Scary Stories”

  1. I think it’s Quil-yootes. lol. I think…

    I love this site. Such a good idea to blog this out and sooo funny. God Twilight sucks.

  2. Haha, thanks, Adella! We’ll go with that pronunciation for now. Though, we must admit, it’s kind of fun just making ridiculous guesses.

    And we’re glad you like the blog! Thanks for reading!

  3. Oh my god, i almost died of laughter! “We’re just in it now for those tide pools.” had me cracking up for a good five minutes!

  4. Haha, glad to hear it, Kate!

  5. You forgot to mention how pathetic it was for Meyer to have the plot unfold this way. Having Jacob spill the beans about such a secret (something a 15-year-old would have better judgement about) was so disappointing to me. I didn’t realize that Meyer lacked in creativity so much.

  6. I too, am in it for the tide pools… I really want to make an Icon saying that haha

  7. You know what? The tide pools have more depth than the characters!

  8. I crack up on every page of this blog! I’d rather read this than (expletive) Twilight any day!

  9. Oh. I thought it was “quaaludes”.

  10. Quil-ets

  11. God, this makes me feel silly for when I was 10 and liked Twilight. Damn, that shit is brutal. I’m going to duggest to the CIA to read the excerpts of New Moon to Death Row prisoners. That shit will make them beg for the needle.

  12. I think it’s a French name, I can speak French so i know how to pronounce it

  13. I keep calling it “Kway-loots”, just because it makes me chuckle, even as the ridiculous writing style (as if we could really call it a style) makes my eyes melt with sadness.

    Anyone can get a book deal these days.

    I should go write something horrible and shop it around.

  14. Jeez at least Rowling made her words easy to pronounce. Quidditch just came out so naturally. LOL

  15. Ever heard of Wikipedia? 😉

    “The Quileute (pronounced /ˈkwɪlijuːt/), also known as Quillayute (pronounced /kwɨˈleɪjuːt/)”

  16. ki-lay-uh-tays, i am pretty sure

    lol, love this summary, my pet hamster flirts better than our mary-sue protagonist

  17. kye-loouts?

  18. Ah I LOVE this site. I absolutely abhor Twilight and your very in-depth and humorous deconstruction of the stupid series is brilliant!

  19. I think it’s pronounced like “Coyotes”, but Quill-oat-ees. But who gives a F***? This blog is an EPIC WIN. I don’t even have to read the books.

    • Haha, thanks, platypus! We’re glad you think we’re full of win. 🙂 And yes, our goal is to help others avoid suffering through these books. We’ll give you all you need to know, with an added dose of snark to make it a little more bearable.

  20. Kwileets? Something like that.

  21. The Cullens have been in Forks for two or so years right? How come there haven’t been more wolves during that time? I don’t think the change is effected by failpires. I think it’s influenced by when it’s convenient to the plot. Come to think of it, that’s exactly what it is!

  22. I love this. Your comments are hilarious!
    Oh, and once a friend and I were talking about Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist. Someone overheard and asked, “Are you talking about Twilight?”
    I was at a loss for words. Is Cullen the only well-known male character roundabouts? -.-

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