26. Shiny

Chapter Synopsis

Charlie eventually has to leave the Cullen house; he’s already late for dinner with Sue Clearwater. He and Bella decide they probably shouldn’t tell Renee about most of this — it’s not for the “fainthearted,” after all. Bella notes that, even though Claude never relaxed all day, he’s reluctant to leave. She has to reassure him that she’s not going to run away any time soon.

Then Bella gives Charlie a half-hug, and lets him hold Renesmee. He calls her a “pretty baby,” and asks if he can come back and see “Nessie” again the next day. Bella corrects him, explaining that the kid’s name is Renesmee for a reason — a mixture of “Renee” and “Esme.” And guess what her middle name is? “Carlie” — a mix of “Carlisle” and “Charlie.” (Good lord, gag us.) Charlie gets the warm fuzzies from this, and finally leaves.

Bella is sooo proud of herself for making it through the entire day without trying to eat her father. She MUST have a superpower! Emmett then makes some comment about Bella being too “tame” for a newborn, and Bella is reminded of all the inappropriate innuendoes Emmett had been using all day around Charlie and growls a little bit. Edward points out that Emmett is pretty dumb, goading the strongest vampire in the house.

Emmett isn’t too worried, but then Edward reminds Bella of a little “favor” he asked of her before she became a sparklepire — to kick Emmett’s ass once she was a newbie. So Bella challenges Emmett to an arm wrestle. The stakes? If she wins, he’ll stop making references about her sex life to ANYONE. And if he wins, it’s going to get a lot worse.

The two settle themselves at a large rock near the river, and prepare for the showdown. Bella, despite being a speshul newborn, is a little nervous. But as soon as they start, she realizes her nerves are unnecessary. Yes, she can feel the force Emmett is exerting (comparable to a cement truck going about 50 miles per hour, she estimates), but he’s not budging her arm. She beats him easily, then laughs at him.

Emmett demands a rematch the next day. Bella points out that her newborn strength isn’t going to wear off THAT quickly. And then she goes about destroying the boulder they’d been using with her hands — crushing it, karate chopping it, etc. Renesmee finds Mommy’s antics highly amusing, and she laughs for the first time.

Bella goes over to where her family is gathered and, suddenly, the buttery sun bursts through the clouds and they all sparkle and dazzle one another. Renesmee doesn’t sparkle like the rest of the Cullens, but Bella assures her she’s still “the prettiest.”

Bella then relishes in the knowledge that she’s good at being a vampire. It comes “naturally” to her like nothing else in life ever had. She must have been born to be a sparkly, sex-crazed Meyerpire, she decides. And that makes her happy.

Best Worst Lines

“I nodded. ‘I know. I don’t want to freak her out. Better to protect her. This stuff isn’t for the fainthearted.’

His lips twisted up to the side ruefully. ‘I would have tried to protect you, too, if I’d known how. But I guess you’ve never fit into the fainthearted category, have you?’” (512)   (…Claude, this is the girl who passed out upon smelling blood. We’d call that fainthearted.)

“Charlie was late for dinner — Sue Clearwater was cooking for him and Billy. That was going to be an awkward evening, but at least he’d be eating real food; I was glad someone was trying to keep him from starving due to his lack of cooking ability.”   (Bella, you give yourself too much credit. Charlie somehow survived on his own for years before you came to Forks. He’s a big boy; he doesn’t really need you like you think he does.)

“Emmett kicked the rock fragment across the river. It sliced a young maple in half before thudding into the base of a big fir, which swayed and then fell into another tree.”

“Fascinated by the undeniable proof that I was stronger than the strongest vampire I’d ever known, I placed my hand, fingers spread wide, against the rock. Then I dug my fingers slowly into the stone, crushing rather than digging; the consistency reminded me of hard cheese. I ended up with a handful of gravel.

‘Cool,’ I mumbled.” (521)

“The sun suddenly burst through the clouds, shooting long beams of ruby and gold across the ten of us, and I was immediately lost in the beauty of my skin in the light of the sunset. Dazed by it.”

“He was both dazzling and dazzled.” (523)

“So this was really different. I was amazing now — to them and to myself. It was like I had been born to be a vampire. The idea made me want to laugh, but it also made me want to sing. I had found my true place in the world, the place I fit, the place I shined.” (523)

Things That Really Irk Us

The fact that everything is just working out so perfectly — Bella is a good little vampire who won’t eat humans, Claude is accepting of all the weirdness, and the Cullens are just one big happy, sparkly family. Ugh. Where’s the conflict? We’re more than 500 pages in, and we have failed to see any hint of that elusive plot.

The arm wrestling. Pretty boring way to prove your strength, if you ask us.

And the ensuing “I’m gonna use my newfound strength to show this rock who’s boss” scene was also pretty lame. Though, imagining KStew karate chopping at a large boulder (with “hi-YA” sound effects, of course) is pretty amusing.

The dazzling. We’ve had enough dazzling. They sparkle — we get it.

Bella deciding she must have been “born to be a vampire.” Ugggghhhh. We’re pretty sure those sorts of things don’t work that way…

Final Thoughts

We don’t even know what to say. This chapter was beyond pointless, and we have a feeling the next one will be, too. And the one after that. And the one after that. …

Go to Chapter 27.


15 Responses to “26. Shiny”

  1. […] but oh so dull. Chapter 26, titled “Shiny,” is now posted! But don’t be fooled… there’s nothing […]

  2. Sweet Jeebus… Bella is a narcissist. That’ the only explanation for the “me me whiny angst me me I’m so ugly me me turn me, Edward, turn me me ME ME MEEEE SHINY PRETTY SKIN MMMEEEEE!” I mean, come on! I know these things are first-person narratives, but my God! Her “it’s all about ME” attitude is increasing – past the limit I would have thought previously. And Bella, being such an obvious Mary Sue leads me to wonder how SMeyer sees herself…

    • SMeyer obviously wants to be Bella. I wish she WERE, instead of writing terrible books about her. All of us would be happy.

      • it wouldnt make much difference, then she would just write long boring, and multiple, biographies.

  3. Hahaha! The “Bella using her strength to show the rock who’s boss (with ‘hi-YA sound effects!)” part cracked me up! 😀 She really is an egoistic bitch, and the whole “I’m perfect beyond perfection” thing is so lame. It’s painful to see the desperate attempts of SMeyer to make her characters ‘cool’, making them ridiculous and stupid instead.

  4. The only power Bella has is being a Mary-sue and that nothing to be proud of. Once agian another boring chapter. Not that it a big surprise. And once the plot comes around it not going be any better.

  5. Ugh, really? Why does there have to be a happy ending? Why can’t there be anything eventful, and why aren’t any of the loved characters killed off? This makes me want to throw up.

    Or, why didn’t that idiot Meyer just throw on a couple chapters at the end of Eclipse for the wedding, and end it then? And leave her fans wondering if Bella ended up dying, or if she turned, and to wonder whether or not she killed humans in her newborn state? This whole series sucks, but that would have been an okay wa to end it.

    FISUDJSJDJSJDKDJDCJFFHDJFRAGERAGERAGE

  6. I have to admit that I did lol when Bella Karate chopped the rock. They HAVE to do that in the movie. It would be so funny.

  7. This chapter is really called “Shiny”? Really? Seriously? Furthermore, they should’ve done the names back the front; Carlie Esme Renee (as I still contend Esme Renee is a prettier name than Renesmee). I mean, Carlie is an actual girl’s name after all! I know you guys mentioned this before, but now I really want to know what Meyer’s highschool life was like, because this shit, this extreme shit, is really, really creepy. How low must her self-esteem be? How distorted must her adult mind be? What got her through high school? God if everything she’s written about is this hyper-realized, glorified ideal of whatever it is, no matter how small (whether flexing neck muscles or the procession of sun light) then what were things before her mega lifestyle?

  8. “The sun suddenly burst through the clouds, shooting long beams of ruby and gold across the ten of us, and I was immediately lost in the beauty of my skin in the light of the sunset. Dazed by it.”

    “He was both dazzling and dazzled.”

    WHAT THE FUUUUU—–

    >>

  9. “Dont’t cry, Renesmee, you’re the PRETTIEST!”
    I sense a future Bella here

  10. “Emmett kicked the rock fragment across the river. It sliced a young maple in half before thudding into the base of a big fir, which swayed and then fell into another tree.”
    how is this even possible?
    the sun can’t shine “ruby” in the middle of the day.
    they will get to the plot, but i will tell you now (it won’t be much of a surprise), it has no lasting effects, and the series ends just like it would if this were the last chapter.

  11. Okay, Bella can’t beat the Emmet! That’s not right!

  12. I wish Emmett did beat Bella – that would be hilarious!

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