15. Wager

Chapter Synopsis

(You guessed it — there will be a wager somewhere in this chapter….)

Bella begins by staring at Jake for a long minute (not a short one, a long one). Jacob has just told Bella he loves her and he wants her to pick him over Eddie-kins. (Poor Jake… you’re too good for her. Run away while you still can.) Bella explains that she loves it when he’s around and happy, but it’s only because it makes her happy and because she thinks of him like a brother (but not when she’s drooling over his hot bod and almost making out with him… no, no. That’s more like a hot step-brother role). Thankfully, Jacob is far more mature than Bella and takes this answer very well, saying he will stick around because she wants him to — even if she is not in love with him the way that he is in love with her.

Then, finally, Jacob grows a hairy pair’o’testicles and kisses Bella. This pisses Bella off and she stands there, doing nothing so that he doesn’t think she’s kissing him back. Then, when he’s done, she winds up and punches him in the face. Needless to say, Bella breaks her hand and Jacob doesn’t even feel it. He keeps pushing her and telling her that he is an option and he takes her home, even though she wants to go to the Cullen’s house. How is she going to explain the broken hand to Claude?

Jacob explains it truthfully. Claude is ecstatic that Jacob manned up and made out with his daughter. Edward, meanwhile, is excited to hear that Bella punched Jacob, not so much that he kissed her. Claude suggests Jacob run away because Eddie-kins might kill him, but now with the new and improved Jacob-testicles, he decides to stay and face Edward. Claude warns the boys that he does not want any fighting in the house, so Edward takes Bella and flees (pusssssssssssssssy). Jacob follows them to the car and Edward promises not to kill him… for now. Edward and Jacob have a few words and agree they will both be fighting for Bella.

Back at the Cullens’, Emmett asks what happened and Bella explains that she punched Jacob and now he and Edward are in a bit of a tiff. Turns out, Jasper and Emmett have an ongoing bet about how many times Bella will “slip up” in the first year. (AKA — how many times she will get pissed and kill people once she’s changed. We feel like she could probably be taken down by a 10-year-old, regardless of vampy powers.)

Bella’s hand is broken, but she only needs a brace and is so distracted by the thought of a vampire army brewing in Seattle that she just ignores the pain anyway. What if she were bloodthirsty and crazy like those newborns? Who would be able to stop her from killing innocent people? More importantly — would she look hot next to Edward? Oh, the difficulties she will have to overcome.

Best Worst Lines

“That pulled me up short, and I took an involuntary step back. He was right. If I wasn’t mean — and greedy, too — I would tell him I didn’t want to be friends and walk away. It was wrong to try to keep my friend when that would hurt him. I didn’t know what I was doing here, but I was suddenly sure that it wasn’t good.”

“’I don’t want options,’ I disagreed, trying to yank my chin free unsuccessfully. ‘And my heartbeats are numbered, Jacob. The time is almost gone.'”   (Because I’m mortal and you’ll live to be a hairy furball forever alongside my bloodsucker boyfriend, wah, wah, wah….)

“’Fine!’ I growled. ‘Do! I can’t wait to see what Edward does to you! I hope he snaps your neck, you pushy, obnoxious, moronic DOG!’” (332)    (Them’s sure fightin’ words, Bella.)

“Then he turned back to Jacob. ‘But if you ever bring her back damaged again — and I don’t care whose fault it is; I don’t care if she merely trips, or if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head — if you return her to me in less than the perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three legs. Do you understand that, mongrel?’” (340)    (Welcome to Forks — home of vampires, werewolves and random meteor strikes.)

“All of Jasper’s stories about newly created vampires had been percolating in my head since he’d explained his past.”   (Like a nice Columbian  roast.)

“I’d always known that I would be different. I hoped that I would be as strong as Edward said I would be. Strong and fast and, most of all, beautiful. Someone who could stand next to Edward and feel like she belonged there.”

“But, in truth, I could handle that part — because I trusted Edward, trusted him absolutely, to keep me from doing anything I would regret. I knew he’d take me to Antarctica and hunt penguins if I asked him to. And I would do whatever it took to be a good person. A good vampire.”

Things That Really Irk Us

Jacob keeps going after Bella, despite the fact that she is not his soul mate. We only say this because he did not imprint on her, which means he KNOWS she is not his soul mate — so why is he wasting his time? Does SMeyer realize that she totally screwed up her entire “Team Jacob vs. Team Edward” plot by telling us that about that whole ‘imprinting’ thing? Apparently not, because she still has shirtless Jacob crushing into emo, pasty, “I’m not good enough to be a vampire” Bella. How about we just give up already, kay?

Claude needs to borrow a pair of testicles from Jacob, obviously (since Edward is lacking them, too).

Why must EVERYTHING be about Bella ALL of the time?

Final Thoughts

We’re at the edge of our seats. What kind of vampire will Bella be? More importantly, will she still be scrawny, emo and ugly? We… must… continue… reading… (these books are getting to be ridiculously long, by the way).

Go to Chapter 16.

14 Responses to “15. Wager”

  1. I love Jake in this chapter especially. He did something for once. Thank goodness, but he needs to let her go. REALLY!

    I loved the town of vampires, werewolves and random meteor attacks XD Hilarious.

  2. LOL. “Oh, I wonder if I’ll look like hotness after I’ve been changed?” Geez, Bella pisses me off…

  3. Ah! This is the chapter in which Meyer tries to make us hate Jacob, (because he forces himself on Bella). But Meyer fails miserably, of course, because:
    1. Even though we deeply disagree with Jacob’s interest in Bella, we still applaud him for doing something bold.
    2. Jacob’s forced kiss is still more innocent than all the controlling, abusive shit Edward is doing to Bella.
    3. Bella’s father approves when boys kiss his daughter against her will (which is another bad message Meyer sends to young readers).

    Also:
    “I hoped that I would be as strong as Edward said I would be. Strong and fast and, most of all, beautiful. Someone who could stand next to Edward and feel like she belonged there.”

    That’s a really strange quote for a book claiming to promote true love (not lust!) and all the important things in life.

  4. Poor penguins. And I thought penguin hunting was illegal.

  5. When people call me “Dog” I say “Thanks.” And they just glare, and I just laugh. Typical of me, hahahahahahaha.

    Also, Bella brings up the subject that “Edward looks like a god next to her, and she looks like an average girl.” Drop it, bitch. (sorry, i’m very bad tempered.)
    I am so sad that Jacob actually likes Bella. And it makes me quite angry, too. He’s too good for her. Not that I care. I don’t.

    Hmmm, what was I going to say next? Oh yeah.
    Bella would make a sad, sad vampire.
    Jacob needs to forget her.
    Penguin hunting must be illegal, right?
    Twilight (the so called ‘saga’ ugh.) is getting more gross and pathetic by each book.

  6. Them sure’s fightin’ words, Bella! (Made me laugh so hard I fell off of, er, my feet?)

  7. Percolating like a Columbian roast… hahaha! Thank you very much for that. Bella is an idiot and she’s lying to herself. She has feelings for Jacob (as evidenced by her refusal to stop canoodling with him and holding his hand, even though she lurves Edward and Jacob’s just her “brother.” Ugh!) and she probably punched him because she was mad at herself. Dumbass.

    • Holy crap. Did I just try to psychoanalyze the most ridiculous character in this damn book? What the hell is wrong with me? Someone slap me.

      • Read a decent book, that will make you feel better!^^ I don´t think trying to analyze the characters would be healthy for any sane person, actually all readers of the twitarded series might want to visit a therapist to talk about the trauma they experienced. Talking about it might allow them to lead a normal life again… sometime. >.>
        Another thing: How could SMeyer mess up the image of vampires so badly? There are no “good vampires”, they are demons and there is absolutely nothing friendly and sparkly about them! Oh, how I hate these books… -.-

  8. No wonder penguins are endangered species.

    • NOT THE PENGUINS!!! even more reason to hate sparklepires, they hunt poor defenseless penguins in Antarctica. As if whales and seals weren’t enough trouble! At least we have penguins in New Zealand.

  9. forks, washington = smallville, kansas
    lol. major lol

  10. the whole “return her in perfect condition” thing makes me think of Bella as a piece of furniture that Edward’s renting to someone. What a GREAT boyfriend!

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