Eclipse
Acknowledgements
Wait, wait, wait — Stephenie Meyer’s husband’s name is Pancho? Ha. HA. That’s awesome.
We see that’s she’s opening this tome with some Robert Frost. Is nothing sacred??
Preface
The first sentence contains the word “subterfuge.” We’re quite certain that most of the people who are in love with these books will have noooo idea what the word means. (In this case, it seems to mean “deception,” “distraction,” or something similar, in case you were wondering, though it’s very out of place and unnecessary. Stop trying to show off with fancy vocab, SMeyer. We all know it’s just your thesaurus skillz shining through and not any actual intelligence or talent.)
In this glimpse of things to come, it seems that Bella is — once again — in danger. Edward seems to be defending her single-handedly from a group of black-eyed somethings-or-other who want to kill her. Surprise. SMeyer should stop starting out her books this way; we know we won’t be lucky enough for any of them to actually be killed off.
And then, “Somewhere, far, far away in the cold forest, a wolf howled.” (Is that like, in a galaxy far, far away?)
Ugh. Here we go.
P.S. — We are very upset to discover that this book is much longer than the first two… 27 chapters plus an epilogue. Fuck. Settle in, kiddies.
Onward to Chapter 1!
Dazzle Me This, Mr. Vampire 
More like showing of her Thesaurus. Like her ‘kismet’ line.
She won’t kill of Eddy boy or Mary Sue because she’ll have nothing else to write about. Eddy doesn’t have to die, if he was simply ugly, there would be no Twilight.
They just continue to get longer… and longer… and yet less is said. Nobody even can tell me what this book is about… and my friend read it! (She hates it but read them all making her braver than I. I couldn’t stand it…) 27 chapters… of nothingness…
How you both suffer for our entertainment! Enjoy the terriblness along the way… if you can manage!
How long do you think before she starts to make up her own adjectives? She’s probably already exhausted the thesaurus . . .
i need to say that bella is a slut. she leads jacob on. she says she doesnt love jacob like that, pfft whatever.
Death and destruction! I’m so sick of these damn books. Thank you for summarizing them, because I’m so annoyed at the characters and the quotes from the books that I don’t see how it would be humanly possible for me to actually read the stupid things. Thank you for making this as painless as possible. That’s saying a lot.
You’re very welcome, Juniper. Our goal for this project is just that now — provide snarky (yet accurate) summaries and information about the books for those who just can’t bear to wade through the “saga” themselves. (We do not blame you for this; we would not recommend actually reading these books to anyone.) We figure this way is much less painful, and (hopefully) much more entertaining.