The Worst Merchandise

When it comes to the marketing and merchandising that has accompanied the “Twilight” phenomenon, we have discovered a number of things that really disturb and worry us. We’ll be compiling an ongoing list of the worst of the worst on this page. Feel free to make any suggestions you may spy in your shopping travels; we can only search for this crap for so long before it starts to hurt.

The Books

It probably goes without saying that we think the books are way overrated. It really irks us that Stephenie Meyer is rolling in money now thanks to this glorified fan fiction. She’s admitted that she conceived of Edward in a dream, and it disturbs us that one woman’s wet dream has turned into a pop culture sex symbol. Even though we are reading the series, we are steadfast in our vow not to spend a penny on the saga.

The Stupid T-shirts

There are far too many of these floating around. The ones with character’s faces from the movies are bad enough. But then you get the token “I (heart) boys who sparkle” ones, or the “Stupid Lamb” ones, and we just can’t handle them.

Twilight Edward Body Shimmer

Hot Topic – $9.99

No, we are not joking. This really does exist. It just appears to be a stick of that roll-on glitter crap, with Edward Cullen’s face on the bottle. Which of course makes it way better than any other brand/type of roll-on glitter crap. Who doesn’t want to sparkle like a pasty skinny kid in the “buttery sunlight”?

Edward and Bella Action Figures

Hot Topic – $32.99

We’ve also heard rumors about Edward and Bella Ken and Barbie dolls… If those ever materialize, we will be even further disgusted. We’re willing to accept the action figures simply because action figures generally go hand-in-hand with big movies. But that doesn’t mean we have to condone buying them. Especially not for $32.99. Come on, Hot Topic.

Twilight Edward and Bella Vintage Carrying Case

Hot Topic – $38

This is included simply because we can’t think of one useful thing to do with it. It’s something halfway between a lunch box and a treasure test… Perhaps we’re meant to keep our blood-red apples and that lock of tousled bronze hair in it? We suppose it’s something to consider.

Twilight Rubber Bracelets

Hot Topic – $8.00

These are actually kind of funny. You can also buy sets that say things like “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” on them, but these ones actually do say “I’m in love with a Fictional Character.” … We sincerely hope they’re made to be a joke. Because if people are buying them to wear seriously… well, that’s just too sad and disturbing to even think about.

Vampire Fangs

Hot Topic – $15.99

Well, these are perhaps not exclusively “Twilight” merchandise, but we’ve seen them recently on display along with all the other “Twilight” crap. While we deem them mildly funny, we’re also (unfortunately) certain that roughly every pre-teen and TwilightMom now owns a pair.

Twilight Music Jewelry Box

Amazon – $67.90

Really? Nearly 70 bucks for a box with Edward and Bella on it to put your rings in? We only hope that it plays spectacular music — like, we’re talking Beethoven’s undiscovered final symphony or something here — because that’s the only reason we can grasp for it costing so much.

Twilight Perfume

Hot Topic – $48 (no longer for sale)

Apparently they either stopped making this, or sold out of it, because we couldn’t find a Web site that actually had it for sale. Though, admittedly, we didn’t spend an awful lot of time looking… Regardless, though, this is perhaps the most disconcerting thing on our list thus far. It’s special “Twilight” perfume that sold late last year at Hot Topic for $48. The bottle is shaped like an apple with “The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest” scrawled across it. Ugh. Gag. We must admit, though, that we are very curious as to what it actually smells like. How do you bottle teen angst and lust?

The product description, for your reading pleasure:

(Limit one bottle per customer.)

The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest! So take a bite of this apple-shaped bottle. It contains a delicious lavender and freesia scented perfume. Limited and exclusive to Hot Topic!

Coffin Couch

Gizmodo – $3,500.00

Oh, the joys of Stumbleupon. This came to us purely by coincidence. Such a lovely piece of furniture. It is not specifically a Twilight product, but it works well for all of those women who wish their undead men rested (?) their eyes in a dark coffin. Let’s not forget that it comes in purple, red or black to match any home decor. It’s a nice addition to your sunroom, parlor, living room or, to be truly dark and sinister, your basement.

BONUS: When your puny, mortal body calls it quits, your loved ones can save on funeral costs and just stick a few nails in the top and toss it in the ground.

Twilight Greeting Cards

Hallmark, you make us sad. The greeting card company recently announced a new line of cards — starring our favorite characters! Yippie. RPatz can now wish you a happy birthday or a happy Halloween (yes, this line of cards will also cover Halloween and Valentine’s Day… commence gagging). Isn’t it bad enough that we can’t walk into a bookstore, party store, or video store without seeing pasty faces everywhere? Oh, and did we mention that these cards are BEYOND corny and painful? Check out this one for Halloween. We’ll give you a hint: it includes the phrase “eye candy.” If that wasn’t bad enough, the cards will not only be graced with Eddie, Bella and Jacob, but some will also play music and include bookmarks and stickers. … We expect at least three a piece for our birthdays.

Twilight Barbies

Any store — $25

It has happened. They will soon be here. Yes, Mattel has sunk to a new low. Come November 1 — just in time for “New Moon” — you will be able to purchase the Barbie and Ken versions of Bella and Edward. We thought Barbie was striving to be more realistic? What’s realistic about sparkly vampires, eh? Plus, the Barbies don’t really look much like KStew and RPatz. Though, the Edward doll does look extra pasty, and also appears to have those dreamy topaz eyes. But he also looks like he’d be batting for the other team, don’t you think? (And we’re not talking baseball here…)

Jacob Barbie

Price varies

To complete your collection of Twilight Barbies, don’t miss out on buying Jacob Black! His Barbie comes almost naked — he’s only wearing cut-off jean shorts and tennis shoes — and includes that infamous 6-pack and wolf pack tattoo on his shoulder. The doll does actually look a little bit like Taylor Lautner (complete with bad hair), which we’re not sure is really a good thing…

The Vamp — Sparkly Dildo

Tantus-  $39.99

We would like to thank Emily for sending us this juicy little man all the way from an article she spotted on Dlisted. We flipped through the Tantus Web site to discover that it is available for pre-order on September 1 so that it gets delivered to your door before Halloween AND before the New Moon release!! Ladies, start your engines (*gag*) with this sparkling — yes, sparkling! — pleasure-toy. (We never thought “sparkling” and “pleasure” could be used in the same sentence.) And yes, Tantus assures us that it is perfectly okay to put The Vamp in the refrigerator to cool it off for that realistic and cold vampire-flesh feel. Tantus experts recommend this toy if you enjoy Twilight, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, True Blood, Angel and all of those other top-notch vampire-based media favorites. There is even a video showing off its sparkling capablities. So don’t forget, this is not just for your nocturnal pleasure, but is well equipped for use in a meadow full of buttery sunshine, too!!

A Custom Shower Curtain

Etsy — Not for sale

Maureen (one of our awesome readers!) sent this our way. She found it on Etsy. It was custom made (hand-painted, actually) and sold to someone by request, but we still agree that it’s creepy whether it was mass-produced or not. Seriously. Who would want that mug staring at them while they’re taking a pee? Eesh.

Edward Bed Sheets

(We’re not sure where these might be for sale)

Of course they would create and sell these; who wouldn’t want to sleep on the creepy, constipated face that never (ever) sleeps? We suppose it’s somewhat realistic, though — you sleep, he just stares at you all night. It seems as though you could probably buy other similar sheet sets, as well (we’re sure, for example, that are “New Moon” ones by now, too, maybe starring Jacob’s shirtless self). However, we’re not actually sure where you’d order these. We’d look into it further, but, honestly, we don’t really care enough to find out.

RPatzz Panties

Not For Sale (we don’t think…)

No, we are not joking. Well, okay, we sort of are. But these do actually exist. They were mentioned a little while back on Dlisted, but they were explained as being somewhat of a gag gift that someone made for someone else. Creeeeepy (yet slightly hilarious) gag gift! Especially the part where his mouth is also on the INSIDE of the underwear. … We can’t even figure out what to say about that.

We’d each like seven paris, please.

Edward Wall Shadow

Etsy — $60 (currently sold out)

Okay, so this item is one of the most disturbing we’ve come across lately (though, nothing will top the dildo, we don’t think). It’s one of those vinyl stick-ons you can put up on your wall. But it’s just the shadow outline of Edward Cullen. Life-sized. With a corresponding stick-on of Edward’s “own personal calligraphy” that says “Be safe.” … So now he really CAN watch you while you sleep like the creepy stalker that he is! It seems you could buy these in various colors, before they sold out. HOWEVER, if you’re more of a Jacob fan, good news! The life-sized Jacob wall decals are still in stock! You can also order either of these in a smaller version to stick on your laptop for $10. But those aren’t nearly as creepy. If you’re gonna do it, do it right.

Twilight Manllows

Etsy — $50

Just when we thought it couldn’t get any more disturbing, AOL had an article about the   newest craze — the Twilight “Manllow” — half man, half pillow! The description on Etsy is spot on:

“For all the twilight crazed lonely women in the world, Edward Cullen is finally here to be with you and only you. Sleep with him, cuddle with him, use him as a neck rest, the Edward Manllow is there to be your man and pillow all in one.”

It is made of cotton jersey, a screen printed face, polyester stuffing and LOVE.

Now, all you have to do is strap the Twi-dildo on and you’re all set for a night of cold, lack-luster, one sided lovin’.

Oh yea… you can get a Jacob Manllow too if you’re SUPER lonely and need twice the lovin’.

Do you like being big AND little spoon? These are the products for you.

“Vampire Bait” Belt

Hot Topic — $16.99

This product — a chunky belt that reads “Vampire Bait” in curly letters with what looks like blood dripping behind them — was pointed out to us by a reader. The reader wrote:

Seriously?  Seriously?  Nothing like intentional self-victimization….like we don’t have enough genuine women victims of violence already.

We couldn’t agree more.

Bella’s Engagement Ring

Infinite Jewelry Co. — $35 – $1,979

We knew it was inevitable. With the attention to detail SMeyer pays to Bella’s antique diamond-encrusted engagement ring in “Eclipse,” we knew it was only a matter of time before you could purchase your very own version. But Infinite Jewelry Co. has really outdone itself. They’re offering up THREE versions of the ring — a “fashion” version for $35, a “fine” version for $479, and the “genuine” real thing (that’s made with real gold and lots of diamonds) for $1,979. It seems they expect uber-Twihards to convince their hubbies-to-be to shell out for the “genuine” versions before getting down on one knee. We, however, just giggle at this presumption. Let’s be honest… anyone who would really want this as their engagement ring is not going to be getting engaged anytime soon.

Yahoo News reported on this product in April. They also included the company’s description of the ring:

“Experience your romance with Edward Cullen in a whole new way when you slip on Bella’s Engagement Ring! You’ll love showing off the radiant stones in this elegant, domed-oval, gold ring. In true Victorian-era design, your ring is created by master artisans with an open-work gallery and a finely polished edge that surrounds the brilliant faceted stones. How exciting for you to own the only, Original, Bella’s Engagement Ring in the world!”

Good lord.

Lil’ Vampire Baby Pacifier

Amazon — $5.50

This product just baffles us. It’s not cute… it’s just disturbing. The child pictured on the packaging just looks creepy. Who would buy this? Oh yeah, all those Twi-hards who want to marry Eddie Cullen and have mutant babies and choose ridiculous names for them like Renesmee. That’s who. Maybe they’ll also feed their babies blood instead of milk in their bottles for funsies. … On second thought, people who would want to buy this pacifier probably shouldn’t be procreating in the first place…

—–

We stumbled upon this blog post a while back, and couldn’t pass up making mention of it on this page. It’s a list of the “30 Most Disturbing Twilight Products.” Some we have listed here, some are home-made, and others are just funny and ridiculous. The commentary on each item is right up our alley, and we thought you’d be amused, too.

—–

Have suggestions for this page? Let us know!