25. Favor

Chapter Synopsis

We begin with Bella’s need to be maternal and take care of her child taking over her sexy time with Eddie-kins, yet again. Needless to say, she’s pretty PO’d since she doesn’t really see herself as a ‘mother.’  (Neither do we.) Bella and Edward finally get off the floor to change (or, rather, find new clothes since they shredded their old ones in the horny throes of their first immortal night together), only to find that Alice has gifted Bella with a house-sized closet, fully stocked with garment bags. In order to find something that isn’t satin, silk, cashmere, pink or an evening gown, Edward has to sniff it out for her.

After they change, the two frolic together through the garden and race back to the Cullen’s house to see their daughter. Everyone knows that Eddie and Bella had been getting it on and stifled chuckles (or perhaps it was gags) for having to “bother” them during their “busy” schedule. Emmett comments that he’s so surprised that the house is still standing, hardy-har-har. But where, oh where, has their little dog gone? Oh where, oh where could he be?

Jacob was pissed that morning as he drooled a bit over sleeping Renesmee and then stormed off with Seth. Emmett is being very sarcastic today and pissing off Bella — we like him in this chapter. ALL of a sudden (literally, the next line), people are snarling and angry and we discover that Claude will be making an appearance at the Cullen’s place because he is following Jacob there.

Jacob arrives and he is told he is a bad puppy for leading Claude there when Bella still cannot hide the fact that she is a vampire. OH MY! Eddie-kins confronts him, making sure he understands the physical and emotional pain Bella will be put through when Claude walks in that door. DAMN HIM! Doesn’t he understand how terrible he is treating Bella right now!? (Hip-hip-HORRAY!)

Ah, well. It doesn’t matter, since Jacob explains that he showed Claude how he can transform into a werewolf by sending his clothing into shreds. Apparently, Claude is more of a badass than we thought because he didn’t faint or vomit or anything! Luckily, Claude wants all of these secrets to be kept just that — secrets. His mustache is not big enough to hide them in and he is a bit freaked out by the entire ‘werewolf’ thing and has an inkling that Bella has turned into something equally as abnormal. Jacob says he also told Claude that Renesmee has been adopted by Bella and Edward. He’s pretty psyched about becoming “Grandpa Claude.”

Suffer from red sparklepire eyes? Try contacts! Alice is very much prepared for this possibility, and has some colored contacts ready for Bella. The venom in her eyes will eat the contacts in a few hours, though, but that’s better than nothing. Bella then takes notes on ‘how to act human’ from Esme. (Since she’s never been a human before…)

Claude arrives and there is a lot of awkward banter, lying, and smelling of Claude. When Claude looks at Renesmee, he sees his eyes, Bella’s eyes, staring back and freaks out — trying to work out the math on his fingers. (Thank God there are ten of them or he would be FUCKED.) He knows Eddie-kins is lying about Renesmee being his older brother’s niece, and is flipping out because he doesn’t want to know too much. To break the awkward tension, Emmett yells the football score across the room…

Best Worst Lines

“That would have to be enough to get me through the daylight hours. I would balance this overwhelming, devastating desire so that I could be a good— It was hard to think the word. Though Renesmee was very real and vital in my life, it was still difficult to think of myself as a mother. I supposed anyone would feel the same, though, without nine months to get used to the idea. And with a child that changed by the hour.”   (Right? Because the simple fact that something is growing inside of you and changing your body and essentially the way you live doesn’t matter. It’s those extra 6 months that really make all of the difference. MOTHERING FAIL.)

“’Let me help,’ Edward offered. He sniffed carefully at the air and then followed some scent to the back of the long room. There was a built-in dresser there. He sniffed again, then opened a drawer. With a triumphant grin, he held out a pair of artfully faded blue jeans.”   (So, Eddie-kins can sniff out ‘artfully faded, stretch cotton’ blue jeans, but he cannot seem to find his testicles anywhere? Interesting…)

“Do not lose your temper, do not lose your temper, I chanted to myself. And then I was proud of myself for keeping my head.”   (“And then I smiled. And then I decided to give myself a hug for being such a good sparklepire.” — We feel like this is a line from one of those books you had to take home and read in first grade. What a good little Bella, good girl. Want a piece of candy for being so good?)

“’He told Charlie?’ I gasped. ‘But — doesn’t he understand? How could he do that?’ Charlie couldn’t know about me! About vampires! That would put him on a hit list that even the Cullens couldn’t save him from. ‘No!'”

“’Jeez, Bells. You didn’t used to be so melodramatic. Is that a vampire thing?’” (495)   (Umm, is he talking about the same Bella we’ve been reading about for the past three and a half books? Because we’re pretty sure she’s the definition of melodramatic.)

“’I am sorry about it hurting you. I didn’t know it was like that. Bella, things are different with us now, but you’ll always be my best friend, and I’ll always love you. But I’ll love you the right way now. There’s finally a balance. We both have people we can’t live without.’

He smiled his very most Jacob-y smile. ‘Still friends?’” (498)

“I crossed my legs and practiced my blinks.”

“Shock. Disbelief. Pain. Loss. Fear. Anger. Suspicion. More pain.”

“I bit my lip. It felt funny. My new teeth were sharper against my granite skin than my human teeth had been against my soft human lips.”   (This analogy makes no sense. That’s like rubbing two rocks together and saying it makes more damage than rubbing a rock over a balloon. Fuck you, SMeyer. Fuck you.)

“Charlie shot an incredulous glance at Carlisle, still standing by the front door; he looked like Zeus’s younger, better-looking brother.” (509)   (Poor Claude and his porno stache. Sad face.)

“‘Just scored the first touchdown,’ Emmett confirmed. He shot a look in my direction, wagging his eyebrows like a villain in vaudeville. ’Bout time somebody scored around here.’” (511)   (Yea. We ‘lol’ed… Emmett can be amusing.)

Things That Really Irk Us

Despite the wedding being held at the Cullen residence, Claude never seems to go and visit Bella the entire time she is gone. Yes, he thinks she is away but he has gotten ZERO contact from her in months. Wouldn’t a parent want to hear from their child? Perhaps visit the Cullen residence? PARENT FAIL.

In this chapter, Renesmee’s heart “thrums.” Renesmee has a heart beat. She is a vampire baby. Vampires do not have pulses. WHAT THE FUCK?

There is more stupid ‘sexual tension’ between Bella and Edward. Unfortunately for all of the Cullens, they can sense it and make fun of them constantly. Then there are all the stupid little “oh, just wait til later tonight” thoughts going through Bella’s head. Please, do not do this to us. It’s just gross.

Renesmee is perfectly capable of understanding everything that goes on around her and is REALLY good at controlling her thirst at only 3 months old.

Jacob ogles Renesmee. Yes, he imprinted on her, but for the love of all that is holy this is just plain CREEPY.

Bella still cannot handle her thirst, but she and Eddie-kins are still planning on leaving for Dartmouth in the fall. RIIIIIIGHT.

Bella + Edward. … BOTHERED.

Final Thoughts

Well, the cat is out of the bag. Let’s hope Claude’s mustache can keep secrets the way that Gretchen Wiener’s hair can.

Go to Chapter 26.

17 Responses to “25. Favor”

  1. […] Tuesday. Here are more updates. We posted Chapter 25 today, which is titled “Favor.” Go check it […]

  2. …hang on, there’s plenty of people that give birth unexpectedly (as in, literally, did not know they were pregnant until the baby popped out) and manage to woman-up and be a mother.

    FAIL.

  3. “Shock. Disbelief. Pain. Loss. Fear. Anger. Suspicion. More pain.”
    NOW, children, which of these does not belong? loss is not an emotion. words-fail. much like the rest of the book.
    how can ed tell jake off for causing bella “emotional pain”? karma-fail.
    the mustache comments made me rofl! keep it up, guys, almost there.
    oh, and “Though Renesmee was very real and vital in my life, it was still difficult to think of myself as a mother.” this makes no sense. “i can’t LIVE without my daughter, but i don’t feel like her mother” so, is Nessie like a niece or sweet little kid who helps her across the street(disabled with angst and sex drive as she is) or what?

    • and with the jake thing, ed also got pissed at leah for yelling at the best-friend-torturin’ Isabelle.

  4. The scary thing is that in the “best worst lines” part if you hadn’t put the brackets in I would have figured that SMeyer really wrote the “Hug myself for being a good sparklepire” part. God she’s a terrible writer.

    Have to admit that Emmett is really funny, especially after the Growing Up Cullen thing. It make Emmett so much funnier. I’ve never looked at him the same way again. Then again, I still think Edward spent all of his time in Italy knitting sweaters, taking pottery classes, and scrapbooking.

    I used to like Claude. I guess I liked the character in the movie just because he’s awesome and the stache is to die for. lol. Too bad SMeyer killed his awesome too.

    Dartmouth? They have a demon baby! How is this possible? What’s the point?!?!

  5. But is Nessie’s heartbeat really a fail? Isn’t she supposed to be a hybrid, with some human physical characteristics?

    Still plenty of fails left though.

    • Well she IS a Meyerpire, anyway. I think they just wanted to give her all the fun of being one (incredible strength, speshul powers, etc.) without any drawbacks (newbie bloodlust, inablity to grow up, etc.). And with my powers of Divination, I predict she shall inherit her parents` annoying Mary-Sueishness!

  6. One of the other commentors keeps mentioning this, and I’m starting to agree with them – I think Alice has a thing for Bella. Either that, or she’s got this warped notion of treating Bella like a life-size doll that she can dress in pretty clothes, which is a pretty disturbing notion.

    Question for you guys: how much have you had to spend on Spackle in order to repair the dents in your walls? If I had to read this book directly, I’d fling it across the room AT LEAST every time I saw the name “Renesmee” – and that’s saying something. Books are practically my religion, and I hate treating them badly. But these pieces of fiction barely qualify as actual books, in my estimation.

    • Haha. Well, we’re no longer reading physical copies of the books. Which is probably a good thing, because, when we were (“Twilight” and “New Moon” we actually had in-hand), they did go sailing across the room quite frequently… Now, however, we have PDF copies of all the books. And throwing our computers into the wall probably wouldn’t be advisable, no matter how often we might think about it.

  7. “Hip hip HORRAY.” That made me smile. Thank you.

  8. Yeah, the Alice/Bella obsession is kinda wierd; having not read the books I figured our bloggers kept adding those details because they were interesting (and by interesting I mean obligatory as nothing really happens in this series that can really be noted as a point of reference) and just kept escalating. From what I’ve read of what the bloggers relay, Alice is supposed to provide a big sister role to Bella, except just like how Bella and Ed’s romance is Meyer’s idea of absolute love, Alice’s interactions/character is her idea of the perfect older sister. To Meyer, Alice is being perfectly, aptly appropriate…which is really scary.

    • Yeah, Alice is supposed to be Bella’s big sister/best friend all rolled into one. But there are a lot of instances where things between them just get creepy, and so we feel the need to point those instances out.

  9. Ah Emmett. Thank you for being there for taking potshots. I just hope you were meaner about it, like we would be.

  10. the girls on cardcaptor sakura shared a less homoerotic realtionship than bella and alice

    • I’d say the girls from t.A.T.u. share a less homoerotic relationship than Bella and Alice.

  11. “Shock. Disbelief. Pain. Loss. Fear. Anger. Suspicion. More pain.”
    This is exactly how I felt while reading this chapter. Poor Renesmee with Bella for a mother and Jacob for an “uncle”. I guess she’ll end up as a psychopath.

  12. The worst line ever was: “If I hadn’t seen him undressed, I would have sworn there was nothing more beautiful than Edward in his khakis and pale beige pullover”
    And the vomiting commences.

    Emmett pretty much made this chapter readable. Mostly because of that “bout time somebody scored around here” bit, and because his eyebrows are ‘wagging’.

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