24. Surprise

Chapter Synopsis

Bella feebly tries to protest any sort of birthday celebration, but quickly realizes it’s a losing battle. Eddie-kins has a key with a bow around it for her, too, but she knows this one is the key to her “after” car. Alice insists Bella “open” her present first, and Edward agrees — the reveal of an expensive sports car would best be done when Jacob and Seth are awake anyway, so that they at least can appreciate it.

Alice’s gift is outside, so Bella hands a sleeping Renesmee over to Rosalie, and she and Edward follow Alice out into the night. They leap over the river and head into the woods, where Alice blindfolds Bella by jumping onto her back and covering her eyes with her hands. They eventually stop, and then comes the big reveal: Bella’s gift is a little stone cottage covered in honeysuckle and surrounded by a garden of roses.

Edward informs her that this was Esme’s latest “project” — renovating the little cabin for the both of them. Bella just stares, and Alice takes this to mean that she hates it. But no, no, she luuuurves her little house. Alice informs Bella that her closet within is stocked, and then she dances off into the night. Bella, again, is confused — why doesn’t anyone want to stick around her? Duh, Edward tells her, “alone time” with her hubby is her final gift from the Cullen family.

As soon as this clicks, that familiar dazzling electric current is pulsing through Bella’s body, and she’s thinking about twelve different things at once. Edward scoops her up and carries her over yet another threshold, and we get a lengthy description of the perfect romantic cabin hidden away in the woods: smooth stone floors, low ceilings with exposed beams, a beehive fireplace with driftwood burning merrily away in it, and an eclectic mixture of furniture. Perfect.

Edward notes it’s a good thing Esme thought to add an extra room, now with Nessie — er, Renesmee — around. Bella makes some dumb comment about her child being a sea serpent (way to kill the mood, Bella), and Edward then carries her down the hallway. They pass a small bare room that will eventually be Renesmee’s, and then they get to “their” room — a big sky-blue room with a gigantic canopied white bed and wood floors the color of sand.

Ed tells Bella she should go check out the closet, to appease Alice. But Bella has other thoughts — they’ll just lie and say she played dress-up for hours. But, instead, they’ll fuck. A lot.

They are eating each other’s faces almost immediately, and ripping each other’s clothes off — literally. They can’t make it to the bed, but instead go at it right there on the sandy-colored floor. And, of course, the “second honeymoon” is even better than the first. They can “love equally” now, with no more concern about injury or that sparkly thrusting dick of death. Bella only has one concern — since they’re now both immortal and never get tired or hungry, how will they ever stop??

Around dawn, Bella asks Edward if he misses any of her human attributes. Edward assures her he doesn’t. Around sunrise, Bella asks how long “this craving” goes on. After all, she notes, none of the couples in Edward’s family stay locked up in their rooms all day; they’re out and about, fully clothed. But Edward reminds her that when she was around his family as a human, she was sleeping at night. Wink wink, nudge nudge. He tells her it’s all about balancing out their “interests,” and that it’s different for different couples — Rosalie and Emmett were sickening, for example.

They both laugh, which does nice things for their genital-to-genital connection, and they go on sexing for a little longer.

Best Worst Lines

“’No. No way!’ I shook my head fiercely and then shot a glance at the smug smile on my seventeen-year-old husband’s face. ‘No, this doesn’t count. I stopped aging three days ago. I am eighteen forever.’” (471)

“Was he oblivious to the fact that an electric current was pulsing through my body like adrenaline-spiked blood?”

“’I was just thinking — today is the first and last day of forever. It’s kind of hard to wrap my head around it. Even with all this extra room for wrapping.’” (478)

“It was a place where anyone could believe magic existed. A place where you just expected Snow White to walk right in with her apple in hand, or a unicorn to stop and nibble at the rosebushes.

Edward had always thought that he belonged to the world of horror stories. Of course, I’d known he was dead wrong. It was obvious that he belonged here. In a fairy tale.

And now I was in the story with him.” (479)

“’No one was planning for Ness — Renesmee.’

I frowned at him, my thoughts channeled down a less pleasant path.

‘Not you, too,’ I complained.

‘Sorry, love. I hear it in their thoughts all the time, you know. It’s rubbing off on me.’

I sighed. My baby, the sea serpent.” (480)

“He pulled my face to his with a sudden fierceness, a low moan in his throat. The sound sent the electric current running through my body into a near-frenzy, like I couldn’t get close enough to him fast enough.

I heard the fabric tearing under our hands, and I was glad my clothes, at least, were already destroyed. It was too late for his. It felt almost rude to ignore the pretty white bed, but we just weren’t going to make it that far.” (481)

“He was all new, a different person as our bodies tangled gracefully into one on the sand-pale floor. No caution, no restraint. No fear — especially not that. We could love together — both active participants now. Finally equals.

Like our kisses before, every touch was more than I was used to. So much of himself he’d been holding back. Necessary at the time, but I couldn’t believe how much I’d been missing.”

“A very, very small part of my head considered the interesting conundrum presented in this situation. I was never going to get tired, and neither was he. We didn’t have to catch our breath or rest or eat or even use the bathroom; we had no more mundane human needs. He had the most beautiful, perfect body in the world and I had him all to myself, and it didn’t feel like I was ever going to find a point where I would think, Now I’ve had enough for one day. I was always going to want more. And the day was never going to end. So, in such a situation, how did we ever stop?” (483)

“’How long does this go on? I mean, Carlisle and Esme, Em and Rose, Alice and Jasper — they don’t spend all day locked in their rooms. They’re out in public, fully clothed, all the time. Does this… craving ever let up?” I twisted myself closer into him — quite an accomplishment, actually — to make it clear what I was talking about.”

Things That Really Irk Us

Bella sure seems to forget about Renesmee easily enough. Somehow, this is not how we perceive motherhood to really be. Are you trying to tell us you don’t really love your kids, SMeyer? That you’d gladly forget about them to go have sex with a sparklepire? (That’s a rhetorical question; we already know your answer.)

The fairy tale references need to stop. Unicorns? Really??

All the sex that’s not really sex because it’s only implied. How do middle-aged women get off to this crap? It’s worse than poorly-written smutty fanfiction, and that’s saying something. But, again, we can’t wait to see how this will be handled in the movie. Will KStew and RPattz be forced to have “rip-each-others-clothes-off floor sex”? We can only imagine the awkwardness and lip biting that will ensue.

Final Thoughts

What’s a next? A threesome with Alice? She’s probably freaky in bed.

Go to Chapter 25.
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34 Responses to “24. Surprise”

  1. […] sparklepire non-sex. Yawn. Chapter 24 is now up! In it, Bella gets a “surprise” for her birthday, and her and Eddie spend the […]

  2. What now has me creeped out is remembering back to when Balla was human… and when they had sex. She fell asleep eventually…. I would assume. I think that’s how it works (I really don’t know…) and Eddie would just… sit there… naked… watching her sleep… naked… or would he? *Shiver* Creepier aspect than expected…

    Too much sex…. too much… I’m kind of glad it isn’t described. That would be really awkward. I like how they couldn’t “Make it” to the bed XD.

  3. Eww. What a pile of cheap romantic clichés. And what a pathetic piece of wish fulfilment. One more car for Bella and I need to vomit. If she’s such a bookworm why didn’t she get books for her birthday?
    Talking about books… The very sad thing about this series is that itsponges on people’s emotional needs. The teenage girls and housewives out there must have no real deep relationships in their life so, desperately, they escape into a dreamworld. However, instead of reading (or watching) real literature about real love, they must be satisfied with this rubbish because it is far the easiest to consume and it can be understood without any mental effort. Instead of values and morals, the readers get false and exaggerated banalities written in horrible purple prose. I hate this book for all of its harmfulness.

    • wow. that is soooo true about the books. I just noticed that! I mean, everyone I know who’s a bookworm ends up getting a million books for their birthday.

      mmm habit/hobby fail.

  4. I’m afraid I’ll have some brutal nightmares about the Sparkly Thrusting Dick of Death coming for me. I open the fridge door at midnight… and it is there in all of its sparkling horror. BOO!

  5. As for the comment on Bella’s and SMeyer’s motherly instincts… I have this feeling too. So sad. And yes, I’ve actually read fanfiction better than this.
    I promise this is my last comment but this story is so… deep and thought-provoking…

  6. “My seventeen-year-old husband.” “Sand-pale floor.” “[We were] both active participants now. Finally equals.”

    Gag a maggot! What the hell?! The phrase “seventeen-year-old husband” makes me shudder. “Sand-pale floor” causes my eyes to roll. And the last phrase makes me wonder just how Bella and Eddiekins were doing it before she was vampified – did she just lay there and take it? WTF?

    • “seventeen year old husband” is a creepy phrase…if only because Bella/Meyer insists upon using it and refering to edward as such when he’s really however many more years older. that’s more a giveaway to her depraved fantasies than any of the wish fulfillment thus far. how far will she go in shying away from edwards inherently bad attributes?

    • Yeah, these phrases are all indeed disturbing. As for how they had sex before Bella was changed — yeah, she must have just laid there, and then passed out. Can’t forget the passing out part, where she doesn’t remember any details (but she remembers that it was goooood).

  7. This is just… wow.

    It’s just wish fulfillment. In this fantasy world where you can deposit your children with a willing nanny whenever it’s convenient for you, so you can go get it on with hubby-dearest in the woods. Where everyone is rushing to give you wonderful things like cars and secret cottage hideaways and just… rearrange EVERYTHING in your life for you so you can do whatever you want without worrying about your duties or responsibilities.

    I mean, really? REALLY?? Could it BE any more disgustingly perfect?? The closet full of clothes is just the last straw. Really. It is. This must be what SMeyer’s idea of heaven is like: a wardrobe full of clothes, a house you didn’t have to work for, a gorgeous hot sexy husband and an ‘optional’ baby you can be all mothery over if you feel like.

    God I hate this series.

    • If Heaven is like this I’d like to go to Hell…

    • Agreed – I almost pity SMeyer for having such a f***ed up romantic ideal. Think about it – stuck in your late teens forever with a vanilla vamp. Your relationship is based on nothing but his primal attraction to your blood and your vapid obsession with him. You don’t even consider yourself an equal in the relationship until you also become undead, sacrificing your humanity. The reason I ALMOST pity SMeyer is because she didn’t keep her disgusting and unhealthy fantasy to herself – she inflicted it upon an entire generation of young girls and women who are old enough to know better.

      • If there was any logic in this series, Edward would have stopped loving Bella after she was changed because he couldn’t have sucked her sweet-smelling blood anymore. What a pity.

      • Great points. We couldn’t have said it better.

  8. I know this is the least disturbing part but when Eddie called Bella ‘love’ it just made me think of creepy old men… nope, wait, Eddie IS a creepy old man isn’t he…

  9. Oh, and another thing that bugs me- Nessie is a lake serpent. Not a sea serpent. I know i’m being pedantic but you would have thought that someone would know the difference between a loch and the sea.

  10. hell, this is disturbing. human-bella/eddie sex is just too disturbing a thought- did she just lie there, prostitute-esque? ew. “sparkly thrusting dick of death” made me rofl for quite a bit. does anyone realize that bella’s great loves (eddie and nessie) each cause her far more physical harm than all the villains in the series put together? or any damn van. even jacob’s face breaks her hand. i find this JUST A LITTLE messed up. then, of course, with another back-handing to feminism, bella frequently injures herself through her i’m-a-sorry-ass-klutz-who-is-a-mary-sue-damsel-in-distress-who-would-fall-off-every-available-surface-flat-or-otherwise-if-disco-stick-eddie-weren’t-there-to-catch-me-oh-and-i’m-ugly powers.

  11. I’m kinda glad she didn’t go into detail with the sex. I get enough nightmares imagining it.

    “Seventeen-year-old” husband? I’m going to punch SMeyer. With brass knuckles.

  12. the only “sudden fierceness” i want is from Tyra

  13. Because of course everyone worries about how they’d ever be able to stop having sex *rolls eyes*
    Something is definitely wrong here.

  14. I don’t think it’s Meyerpires who want to have sex all the time. It’s just Bella being a freaking nymphomaniac.

  15. Wait they don’t go to the bathroom? So…where does all the blood they drink go? I mean even few months they need to drink several liters of blood (bet that’d stop sexy time) so where does it go?

    I now have the image of Bella and Edward becoming swollen with blood and exploding. It makes me smile…

  16. How can anyone just forget about a child they just had? especially Bella, since the sparkle seed nearly killed her. and then the cullens and bella all hate the kid. they leave the kid to fuck and are basically like “baby? fuck that shit, lets have a happy fun sexy time!” who will make sure the baby doesn’t attack people? the future fuck buddy? SMeyers, I really truly hope you don’t infect any more youths with your senseless, illogical, Bullshit.

  17. It’s kind of funny in a sick way. Even though there’s no graphic sex (actually, sex in general, really) in these scenes, after I read one, I feel the need to cleanse myself with holy water. Takes A LOT of author fail to do that. It’s even worse that there are 10-year-old girls reading this. Blech!

    • I know, right?? And what’s even WORSE is that there are sexually repressed Twi-Moms reading this, too. And probably getting off to it… ick.

  18. A threeway with Alice. That is possibly the funniest thing I have ever read in my life.

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