1. Engaged

Chapter Synopsis 

People are staring at Bella. Certainly not because she’s hot and, definitely not because she’s confident – but because she’s driving a NEW car and she obviously cannot handle it. By the time we happen upon page 2, Bella has gotten into an Ivy League school, has a BLACK credit card and a new car. Not only is it a new car, but a Mercedes Guardian with missile-proof glass and 4,000 lbs of body armor! Why? Because she’s a klutz and Edward doesn’t trust her fragile life in a plain old Volvo. (No worries; they’re trading it in after the wedding.) She is the new town celebrity and to top it all off, she and Eddie-kins will be married in a few days.

After her exciting visit to the gas station, Bella’s trip home reveals something SO shocking you will crap your pants before you can say ‘Twihard’: There are ‘missing’ signs all over the telephone poles with photos of her bestie, Jacob Black. Claude seems to be the only worried one. He even has a corkboard at the station to make it more official. Needless to say, Jacob did NOT react well to the wedding news, and has been wandering around North America to take his mind off of things… maybe planting a few ‘Jacob’ seeds here and there. Who knows? What’s really important is that Edward and Seth have become new besties, and Bella is thrilled about it.

Cut to a long-ass flashback that should have been the first chapter in this book – Bella explaining the story of how she and Eddie-kins let Claude know that his crazy daughter was gettin’ hitched and he wouldn’t have to deal with her whiney, over-emotional, unstable self anymore. After the shock set in and he explained he figured it was coming, he brushed it off — as long as he didn’t have to tell Renee, why not go for it? Renee, however, was beside herself with excitement, and this caused Claude to mope.

Back in real time, the nuptuals are being worked out between Renee, Claude and the Cullens, and all of the tuxedos and dresses have their final fittings… everything is in its place. 

Best Worst Lines 

“Engine snarling like a hunting panther, the car jolted forward so fast that my body slammed into the black leather seat and my stomach flattened against my spine.”

“I managed to reach my goal, the gas station. If I hadn’t been running on vapors, I wouldn’t have come into town at all. I was going without a lot of things these days, like Pop-Tarts and shoelaces, to avoid spending time in public.” (4)   (Does that mean she’s investing in velcro shoes? Sexy.)

“But more than that, I just couldn’t reconcile a staid, respectable, dull concept like husband with my concept of Edward. It was like casting an archangel as an accountant; I couldn’t visualize him in any commonplace role.” (6)   (Kasjiyarunwf. Sorry, we just vomited.)

“’We’re going away to Dartmouth together in the fall, Charlie,’ Edward reminded him. ‘I’d like to do that, well, the right way. It’s how I was raised.’ He shrugged.

He wasn’t exaggerating; they’d been big on old-fashioned morals during World War I. 

Charlie’s mouth twisted to the side. Looking for an angle to argue from. But what could he say? I’d prefer you live in sin first? He was a dad; his hands were tied.” (16-17)   (Excuse us while we guffaw and say ‘WHAT!?’ You were raised to know that if you and your girlfriend go away to the same college, you should be married? Well, then. That’s not old school… that’s not even ‘a school,’ it’s just DUMB.) 

“The ultimate doom: telling Renée. Early marriage was higher up on her blacklist than boiling live puppies.” (17)

“I wanted the complete experience before I traded in my warm, breakable, pheromone-riddled body for something beautiful, strong… and unknown. I wanted a real honeymoon with Edward.” (22)

Things That Really Irk Us 

All of this ‘living in sin’ shennanigans… it’s not like you’re living in the same freaking HALL let alone the same dorm room. How is going to the same college ‘living in sin’? If you want to do the nasty before marriage, you’ll do the nasty before marriage. If you want to wait, you’ll wait. And since when did ANY moral responsibility play a role in this book?? Bella’s been trying to get Edward’s pants off for the last 1200 pages. 

Final Thoughts 

We find ourselves singing ‘They’re Finally Gettin’ Married’ from “Aladdin 3: Aladdin and the King of Thieves.” It’s really what got us through this painfully detailed, rather pointless, chapter. Half of it was a poorly written flashback which, if SMeyer had ever paid attention in her ‘Introduction to Fiction’ class, she would know is a big fat NO-NO!

Go to Chapter 2.

15 Responses to “1. Engaged”

  1. I wish her new armored car would explode already. Yeesh. And just because they’re going to the same college they have to get married? WTF? Sigh. It hurts the brain…

  2. I’m somehow not comforted to know that Renee would rather boil live puppies than see her daughter married… that’s odd… why would SMeyer think of THAT as the taboo to compair marriage at a young age too? Seriously.

  3. The wish-fulfillment is reaching toxic levels: million-dollar car, ivy league school, credit card, marrying hot (sorry, I mean, “ice cold”) boyfriend at 18 with parents’ blessing. But where oh where is her diamond tiara and unicorn?

  4. I’m sorry, stupid bitching Bella got into an Ivy League School? Hah. Haha. HAH!!! Must’ve been some “convincing” or maybe even some DAZZLING *sparkles* from Edward’s part. OOH-WAH-OHH.

  5. If her mother was actually pissed off, that’d make for some actual conflict- even though Bella would probably flat out ignore her mother’s wishes… But no, her mother immediately has to change her stance, for absolutely no reason at all…

    Gahhhh, these books hurt the logic part of my brain.

    • Trust me… turn the logic part of your brain off………… It’s the only way to make it through… the only way.

      • another way is to get drunk. or do psychedelic drugs.
        but those ways are not really advisable, so Morganne’s suggestion works better.

  6. This is so obviously a fantasy, it’s sad.

    Also, marriage is a clean thing, unless you’re doing it for the wrong reasons *cough* Bella *cough* so why the hell would Renee hate it more than boiling live puppies? And since when would she give in so easy? She can hardly be called a good mother, she barely knows Tinkerbell, and yet she squeals like a little girl? To be fair, she isn’t as bad as I would have expected Meyer to make her be.

    PS: She must like boiling live puppies.

  7. Bella’s new car annoyed me. I don’t care about cars, but it’s not the point: she’s such a material girl (or is that Meyer?) Meyer never forgets to inform us how rich Edward is, like that adds something good to his character. Jacob, on the other hand, is poor and nasty. Clearly a character flaw, right?

  8. Maybe SMeyer is actually trying to send us a message, other than that she can’t write, maybe she’s trying to say, go for the guy with money.
    And if he dumps you jump off a cliff.
    And it doesn’t matter if he’s abusive or controlling as long as he looks good and has money.
    That’s the messages she’s sending anyway.

  9. I hope she meant hormones rather than pheromones since there is no scientific proof (as far as I know) that suggests that humans have pheromones. Yet again smeyer with the lack of science.

  10. This is a minor complaint, but why is this chapter even called” Engaged?” Didn’t they get engaged months ago?

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