17. Toto’s a Whore

17. What do I look like? The Wizard of Oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead. Take Mine. Take everything I have.

Chapter Synopsis

Jacob has a plan, and it consists of grand theft auto and some serious hit and run damage. But the car Edward has tossed him the keys to is such a pretty car… an Aston Martin Vanquish. Destination: Unknown. Who cares, as long as he gets away from Bella who, not only took his brain and his heart, but still holds his testicles on a string, as the fuzzy little bastards hang from the rear view mirror of some badass, shiny Cullen vehicle. No. No. Instead of crashing the shiny Cullen car, Jacob decides upon another mission. He’s on the hunt for someone to imprint on to make it all go away.

Jacob searches everywhere:  malls, dark alleyways, brothels… even high school marching bands.  (Okay, okay… so really he just hits up malls and parks…) But then he starts to see Bella’s characteristics in all the girls he’s creepily staring at — pastiness, angst, lip biting, head twitching, etc.

But it all changes when he meets a ginger named Lizzie. Lizzie basically throws herself at Jacob and his shiny car (which she jokes that he must have stolen — sure SMeyer, let’s stereotype the Indian kid a little bit more). Jacob tries to force himself to imprint on Lizzie. Jacob= miserable FAIL.

Then he starts thinking about Leah and how they would be great companions, but never anything more. Then he goes back to the Cullen’s house for more torture and whining. Upon his arrival, he is confronted by Edward, who rips him a new tail (with his words; Ed’s too ‘refined’ to actually hit him) because, while Jacob has been off checking out girls, Leah has been bitching Bella out for being a heartless, manipulative bitch when it comes to Jacob.

Eddie-kins has been busy listening to more of Baby’s thoughts, and has concluded that the little demon can more or less understand everybody. And since it already has a sense of love for its bitchy, weak, human mother, it understands that it needs to stop breaking Mommy. (BOOOOOOOO.) They may have to cut the baby out early, because it’s getting so big.

To top off the chapter, Edward asks the TRUE Alpha (AKA Jacob) to deviate from the treaty the vampies signed with the puppies back during Ephraim’s day. He asks that Jake grant them an exception considering Bella’s situation, since they aren’t planning to change her on purpose — they’ll change her, instead, to save her life.

Jacob and Edward head into the house and Jacob is being awkwardly nice to Bella because Leah was such a bully to her. She looks into Jake’s eyes, and he thinks about his possible future with Leah since Bella will be all vampy-like. He eventually agrees to “overrule” the treaty.

Then Bella tries to bend over. Something cracks. Bella screams. Then she vomits “a fountain of blood.”

Best Worst Lines

“The sound of the motor’s purr might have made me moan another day, but right now it was all I could do to concentrate enough to put it in drive. “

“I kept going north, and it got more and more crowded. Eventually, I found a big park full of kids and families and skateboards and bikes and kites and picnics and the whole bit.”   (Jake’s either a child molester or likes MILFS. Awesome.)

“I wasn’t in that healthier place where Leah was headed. I wasn’t going to be able to fall in love like a normal person. Not when I was bleeding over someone else.” (334)

“I wasn’t in a rush. I didn’t want to go where I was going. Back to that house, back to that forest. Back to the pain I’d run from. Back to being absolutely alone with it.”

“I stared at Edward, feeling sort of like my eyes might pop out of their sockets.” (339)   (This seems to plague a lot of characters in this series.)

“Crazy how easy it was, walking through the dark with a vampire right beside me. It didn’t feel unsafe, or even uncomfortable, really. It felt like walking next to anybody. Well, anybody who smelled bad.” (343)

Thing That Really Irk Us

Jacob has gone all ‘stalker status’ on us and is creepily stalking teenage girls to feed his lust. He doesn’t care for ginges either (BOO!) and to top it ALL off, he still goes for the girls that look like Bella who drool over his shiny car (that isn’t even his).

Jacob has suddenly been given the power to overrule the Alpha male. Theoretically, he could have done this the ENTIRE time and just avoided all of the drama.

Leah is a bitch. Why is she a bitch? Because she’s honest and tells Bella she is a dirty whore. This doesn’t exactly ‘irk’ us, but the fact that everyone hates her because she’s awesome does irk us.

Eddie-kins and Seth are besties now and are probably banging on the side since Edward’s penis has officially retreated into his body to avoid impregnating his whiny, emo wife in fear of making more of her. Even Eddie-kins’ dick knows that the world does not deserve that.

Final Thoughts

Next chapter is the birthing chapter. We’re crossing our fingers, holding our breath as we drive past cemeteries, lifting up our feet when we go over train tracks, etc. etc. in hopes that Bella’s kid will gnaw its way out of her stomach. OR, she combusts. WOO WOOO!

Go to the epic Chapter 18.