25. Mirror

Chapter Synopsis 

Bella is shocked. Everything is moving in slow motion around her. Edward, Seth and Riley are all carrying around pieces of Victoria. They scour the campsite, making sure to get rid of every piece — down to the last pubic hair. Eddie-kins gives everyone a high five for some GREAT teamwork. Bella is still shocked and clutching the rock… perhaps to beat herself over the head with. Edward convinces her to drop it, only to realize that she is not scared of him, but is instead pretty turned on by what just happened. Everybody else is fine, and he continues to scold her for being stupid and falling for the ‘trap’ he and Seth set. Ya know — doggy plays hurt so ginger bitch comes after him, and then fangboy flies in and rips her head off… yea… Bella suddenly remembers that WAY before the action, Edward had mentioned something about Alice and a timing conflict. What was it about?

Eddie-kins tries to brush it off, but Bella is an annoying bitch. Edward asks Seth ‘if she’s okay’ and Seth produces a blood-curdling put-vampy-on-his-knees howl. Edward whispers something about Sam helping ‘him’ under his breath and hustles to the clearing – to Sam. He explains the Volturi decided it was time to intercede. (Great timing, guys. You’d think after centuries your timing would be a little better…) Edward points out that the Volturi aren’t here to get the Cullens or Bella, though they may have been okay with it if the newbies had offed them all. Evil pain bringer — Jane — is with them, as is her Eastern European boy-toy Demetri.

Then there is much crying and cooing going on between our lovers and much reassurance that the wolves will be left alone because the all-knowing, old as fuck Volturi won’t recognize their scent… even though Aro has the ability to see into everybody’s minds and could easily figure things out… (ALAS! That is something that would be pointed out as a flaw in a piece of real literature.)

After some skipping around and random subject changes in the ‘dialogue’ and some funky purple smoke (apparently vampires burn in pretty colors?), Bella learns that someone has been hurt. And who could it be but Jacob?! Skip any hint of what is going on around Bella and suddenly she is blacked out and hearing the Cullen family talking around her. Eddie-kins gently wakes her with his ice cold lips on her ears, reassuring her that Jacob is fine and is healing. It’s cool, Carlizzle will be there to help him and likes the company of our furry friends.

Once the crowd makes their way to the purpley smoke, they find Jasper crouched down next to a young newbie. Carlizzle, being the kind-hearted man that he is, offers the girl an ultimatum: she can live, but only if she goes veg. She’s cool with it but goes a bit crazy when she smells Bella. Then, out of the billowy, undulating smoke, waltzes the Volturi. *Cue awkward tension because Bella is still annoying and still mortal.* They are impressed with the Cullens’ badassery in this HUGE war where they took on 19 newbies and a crazy ginger. Jane forces pain on the newb — Bree — and tells her that, while Carlizzle is a BAMF, he does not have the right to guarantee her life. Jane’s henchman, Felix, takes care of Bree, and they leave the Cullens and Bella behind.  

Best Worst Lines 

“I snorted. Snorting was good; a voice couldn’t tremble or break during a snort. It sounded impressively offhand.”   (Yes. Very impressive, snorting is.)

 “’Bella, I just’ — he hesitated and then forced the words out — ‘I just beheaded and dismembered a sentient creature not twenty yards from you. That doesn’t bother you?’” (558)

“Too much. My mind refused to make sense of the words, pretended it couldn’t understand.”   (Is that English?) 

“But my mind was not protected. It was trapped in the knowledge that had not left me, even in unconsciousness — the pain that was part of the blackness.” 

“Then cool lips were at my ear, and Edward was speaking the words that allowed me to escape from the torture that had me caged inside my own head.” 

“‘As soon as we’re done here, I will do what I can to help him. Sam is trying to get him to phase back to his human form. That will make treating him easier.’ Carlisle smiled slightly. ‘I’ve never been to veterinarian school.’” (567)

Things That Really Irk Us 

The CONSTANT reference to the entire “Victoria is alive and spawned bastards we must kill alongside wolves’’ thing being referred to as a ‘war.’ If that’s a war, then the Guid’s and Guidettes fighting the residents of the Jersey Shore is an absolute EPIC battle. 

Way to go SMeyer. We GET it. Even though it’s a vampire, watching a person be torn limb from limb and burned in a pile is a traumatic experience. And it smells like incense…and it’s purpley…please do not spend another page to describe this. 

Angry, vengeful gingers that DO NOT get to kill Bella. Boo. (We REALLY dislike that. We were sort of rooting for Victoria.) 

Yet again, the only people that die are newbie vamps. AND Jacob is not going to be severely deformed or have bad back problems the rest of his life after being ‘nearly killed.’  

Bella spends most of this chapter 1) blacked out 2) with her head buried in Edward’s chest and 3) not being severely injured or killed. BOTHERED. 

Final Thoughts 

In the end, all is just peachy in the town of Forks. The newborn army is dead, Victoria isn’t trying to kill Bella anymore, Bella will be turned soon….and the Volturi are pissed that the Cullen clan wasn’t killed and that they could theoretically stand up to the Volturi. We feel a possible plot development here, but we’re sure that was not SMeyer’s intention.

Go to Chapter 26.