20. Volterra

Chapter Synopsis

Alice and Bella try to make it into the center of the festivities near the Palazzo dei Priori (as is repeated about 90 billion times in their four-sentence dialogue), or “the clock tower,” for those that speak English. Alice knows they can’t make it into the city with a vehicle, but is prepared to bribe her way through the guards to get in, otherwise her sparkly self will be noticeable in the sun. Because vampires are sweet drivers that can flip tricks, Alice brings the car around in a quick half-u-turn at the gate into the city so that she is in the shadow of a building and Bella is in the sun. When the guard explains to her that they cannot pass, she gives him a wad of cash with a thousand dollar bill on the outside.

After driving through tiny alleyways, nearly killing civilians who are out and about and dressed all in scarlet (like blood and, well, blood, since that’s all SMeyer’s head can compare scarlet to), Bella hops out of the car on Alice’s command and starts running to the clock tower to keep Eddie-kins from glowing in the sun and getting himself killed by the Volturi. Commence awkward running and screaming whilst gasping raspily while the clock tolls… whatever time it is (since we don’t know). It’s all so intense! Will Bella make it?! After running through a freezing cold fountain of water in the town square, which a) was probably easily avoidable and b) probably slowed her down, Bella spies Edward.

Eddie-kins is delusional as Bella plows into him and pushes him out of the sunlight, his shirtless bod still cold and sexy like she remembers. Edward opens his eyes to Bella and speaks crazy thoughts, reciting Romeo lines from when he is in the tomb where Juliet lay dead. He thinks he’s in Hell, which seems to be a lot like Heaven, and is amazed at how quick and painless his death was. Bella, miraculously, feels WHOLE again — like the gaping wounds were never there in the first place! She loves him! She loves him!

Eddie-kins snaps out of it just in time for two of the Volturi guards, Demetri and Felix, to come to take Edward and Bella away into their dark lair. After three pages of back and forth banter about whether Edward will go with them and whether or not Bella will go free, a figure more beautiful and even smaller than Alice shows up in a cloak to take them away. Her name is Jane.

Then, out of nowhere, Alice is suddenly a part of this scene. In the end, Edward, Alice, Bella, Demetri and Felix all follow Jane into the dark underground world of the Volturi by following the paths in the sewers under Italy.

Best Worst Lines

“I wasn’t halfway across. I wasn’t going to make it. I was stupid and slow and human, and we were all going to die because of it.” (448)   (YOU STUPID MORTAL, YOU!)

“I’d never seen anything more beautiful — even as I ran, gasping and screaming, I could appreciate that. And the last seven months meant nothing. And his words in the forest meant nothing. And it did not matter if he did not want me. I would never want anything but him, no matter how long I lived.” (451)

“But the face was too pretty for a boy. The wide-eyed, full-lipped face would make a Botticelli angel look like a gargoyle.”

“‘N-n-no,’ I chattered, throwing my arms around him. I didn’t care if I froze. Who knew how long we had left?”

Things That Really Irk Us

Italy is on the Euro, not Lira. That being said, there is no such thing as a ‘thousand dollar bill,’ SMeyer. Perhaps a thousand Lira, yes, but no ‘dollar.’ Obviously, you are stupid and have not done your research, as Italy has not been on the Lira since 1999 and this book was released sometime in 2006. FAIL.

That this book was released post-“Blade” and “Underworld” and in sticking with such ‘cult classics’ (if you will), SMeyer makes sure that these vampires are underground. Why didn’t she just stick them somewhere like Transylvania, where the sun doesn’t shine so much?

Edward was not so much of a pussy before — just a prick. Now he’s a pussy. Total character change. He and Bella will have the most emo children on this side of the universe.

That, throughout the chapter, SMeyer spends at least three paragraphs listing everything that is red/scarlet around the city. We get that it’s red, like blood, which vampires enjoy sucking.

Final Thoughts

We should not be surprised by further lack of character development and lack of plot. However, we always get our hopes up, just a little bit, whenever the setting changes. Maybe ‘the Flukeman‘ will make a cameo appearance and eat our beautiful vampys and stupid humans whilst carousing about the sewers in Italy. We can only hope.

Go to Chapter 21.
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7 Responses to “20. Volterra”

  1. Willing to bet that Alice put a whole lot of “ones” under that Thousand Dollar bill…. which doesn’t exsist.

    It all seems so completly overly dramatic. Running through a fountain???? Stupid. Seriously. The only good thing about them meeting again is that now Bella’s metaphorical hole should be gone forever… than heavens.

    I miss the tide pools…

  2. Could it be that our perfect sparklepires… *gasp* committed forgery?!

  3. I love this chapter because its all *dramatic!* *tension!* *DRAMADRAMADRAMA* then Bella falls into a fountain. Hilarious.

  4. teehee i always thought that eddie sparkling would be the stupidest thing he could do. cuz it wud be so easy to just say hes gay and wears lots of body glitter. its bad writing.

  5. This may be my lack of car related knowledge speaking, but isn’t a half-u-turn just a turn?
    And the thousand dollar bill thing… really? W-O-W (three syllables, I think I finally figured it out.) Also, why would she carry around that much money, if the flight was supposedly spontaneous? None of this adds up at all. Shocking, aye?

    I think you guys deserve an award for the torture your are inflicting upon yourselves. A noble peace prize should suffice, shouldn’t it?

  6. “It was like there had never been any hole in my chest. I was perfect- not healed, but as if there had never been a wound in the first place.”
    I cannot tell you how much I hate those lines. Meyer just admitted that there was no character development. At all. Bella’s feelings for Edward didn’t change. She doesn’t reconsider her choices. NOTHING’S CHANGED! You can skip this book and it wouldn’t make a difference. I am so angry!

    • We’d prefer if people just skip the whole series… haha. But yeah, you’re completely right.

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