15. Fetus Explosion Countdown

15. Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock

Chapter Synopsis

More inner monologue on Jacob’s behalf as he bitches about Leah not warming up to the Cullens. Boohoo. With the truce between the Cullens and the wolfpack null and void, Jacob is trying to figure out how to get the Cullens out — whether to hunt, or to run away. But… but… if they run away, that would mean Bella would leave, too! Seth knows the Cullens won’t go now because of Bella’s medical conditions.

Bella is feeling better (though she’s now running a fever, and the baby is still kicking the crap out of her) and is talking regularly to Claude and Renee, reassuring them she is peachy keen. Jacob goes to visit her regularly, playing ‘wolf man blanket.’ All the while, Alice and Jacob — Bella’s former besties who can no longer hold a flame to Rosalie and Bella’s newfound friendship — begin to grow closer… in a very awkward way. Rosalie still hates Jacob, and makes him a special dog dish to ‘welcome’ him into the family.

Bella’s expected due date is coming up — Jacob estimates about four days left until she pops. Then, there is more and more hinting/foreshadowing about Jacob becoming a part of the Cullen family (because it just feels “right” when Jake is there with all of them). Which would be awkward, since he and Bella really wanted to bone there for a bit, and he still wants to bone her. Ah, well, that’s that, isn’t it?

Jacob and Edward discuss the situation with Claude, which will involve Bella lying to him for at least a year after she’s turned, until she’s no longer so hungry. She’ll be in a “special” hospital in Europe somewhere and he’ll never know the difference. Jacob protests, saying Charlie’s not that stupid. (Unfortunately for Claude, he really is that stupid.) Bella has decided to explain her transformation the way that Jacob did — not really telling Claude at all, but, instead, letting him come to his own conclusions. (The only problem being he has no idea about vampires or werewolves in the first place…)

We learn that, apparently, the baby will use it’s teeth to escape the womb. (Hells YEA!) Rosalie doesn’t expect Bella to survive this, but doesn’t seem to care too much. This pisses Jacob off, and he takes his new “Fido” bowl and whips it at the back of her head. He gets food in Rosalie’s hair, and there is much rejoicing and chuckling amongst vampies and wolves alike. (Chortle, chortle.)

There are more comparisons of said ‘fetus’ to Jacob and intellectual conversation about chromosomes and DNA, where Jacob takes the time to space out and we find ourselves at the end of this horrendous chapter.

Best Worst Lines

“I passed right through the perimeter on my way back, heading for the house. As much as I knew it was a stupid thing to do, I couldn’t stop myself. I must be some kind of masochist.” (291)   (So, SMeyer has even run out of dialogue and is reusing what Bella has said for Jacob, since HE’S the emo one now. FAIL.)

“She made a scornful noise in the back of her throat. ‘Of course there were no survivors,’ she said. No survivors, blunt and uncaring. ‘Giving birth in the middle of a disease-infested swamp with a medicine man smearing sloth spit across your face to drive out the evil spirits was never the safest method. Even the normal births went badly half the time. None of them had what this baby has — caregivers with an idea of what the baby needs, who try to meet those needs. A doctor with a totally unique knowledge of vampire nature. A plan in place to deliver the baby as safely as possible. Venom that will repair anything that goes wrong. The baby will be fine. And those other mothers would probably have survived if they’d had that — if they even existed in the first place. Something I am not convinced of.’ She sniffed disdainfully.” (303)   (Since when is Rosalie so damn maternal? And way to make gross generalizations about all South American culture — because EVERYONE in South America was part of a non-Christian society. Mmmmmhmmmmmm. SMeyer, we want to take you to ‘PC’ school and give you some serious history lessons.)

“It was really hard to take, that adoring tone she used to describe the thing that was tearing her up. Especially after Rosalie’s callousness. Made me wish I could throw something at Bella, too.”   (Oh please, please do.)

Things That Really Irk Us

Bella seems to have grown a spine, in the sense that she doesn’t bitch and moan as the fetus breaks her ribs and stretches enough to almost rip her innards apart. But we imagine she is going to be one big, whiney ball of bitchiness after she has the baby. We wish she would get fat, but of course that wouldn’t happen.

Jacob is STILL pining for Bella and complaining about how they should be together whilst she is pregnant and her husband is four feet away, has mad crazy hearing AND can read Jacob’s mind. Dumb.

All the subtle hints that SMeyer drops about how Jacob and the fetus are meant to be. Could she be any more obvious?

Final Thoughts

Another pointless chapter. Apparently, the birth happens in Chapter 18. All we want to know is how the HELL four days are dragged through about 60 pages of writing THIS bad. Gah.

Maybe if we’re lucky, Rosalie really will gnaw the baby out of Bella’s stomach the way SMeyer has hinted at.

Go to Chapter 16.

3 Responses to “15. Fetus Explosion Countdown”

  1. […] 15. Fetus Explosion Countdown […]

  2. Why can’t Bella use blankets when she’s cold like everybody else? Why is it that she has to lie next to Jake just to keep warm? Snuggies aren’t working for her? It doesn’t make any sense.

    This whole story seems so contrived and it just keeps getting worse. SMeyer is trying so hard to make this birth so dramatic, but it’s just stupid and pointless.

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