14. Useless

14. You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude To Vampires

Chapter Synopsis

Jacob makes his way tiredly back to the Cullen house, where there’s a neat pile of clothes waiting on the porch for him. He carries these into the trees to examine — you know, just in case Blondie is out to play a funny joke with a sundress — and phases back into a naked Indian boy. The clothes aren’t made for girls, so Jacob puts them on, even though they’re a little small. He goes back to the house and lets himself in, noting that the main room has gone back to relatively normal — no more hospital setting. Bella, looking much better already, is wrapped up like a burrito on the couch, with Eddie-kins at her feet and Blondie sitting on the floor beside her. She positively beams when she sees Jacob, and Jake finds this weird — she’s married now!

Jacob begins to relay the conversation in the woods to Edward, but Eddie already heard most of it anyway — he’s becoming attuned to Jacob’s mind now. Jacob goes to leave, and aims a dumb blonde joke at Rosalie on the way out. Edward follows him, confessing that he actually heard everything in the woods, and had been giving a play-by-play to the rest of the Cullens. Esme is now concerned about the fact that Jacob and his pack are homeless. Edward informs Jacob that any of the wolves are welcome to anything the Cullens have — food, clothes, hygiene products, etc. Jacob can’t imagine Leah going for any of this, but promises Edward he’ll pass the message along.

Jacob tries a second time to leave, but Bella cries out from inside. So of course he has to follow Edward back into the house. It seems the demon spawn is getting stronger, and has just cracked one of Bella’s ribs. Rosalie scoops Bella up and takes her upstairs to Carlizzle’s at-home hospital for a quick X-Ray. Jacob, too tired to really do anything, sits down sleepily by the door.

Alice dances downstairs to offer Jacob a pillow, which he refuses. Alice tells Jake she hasn’t been around much because Bella’s been giving her a headache. (You too, Alice???) Well, more precisely, the fact that she can’t “see” the baby is giving her a headache, because it’s making Bella’s future all fuzzy and confusing. But, now that she’s sitting next to Jacob, she’s getting a little break — because she can’t see anything around him.

Jacob finally falls asleep, and is awoken later by a burning sensation in his nose. Someone had shoved a pillow under his head. He wakes to find Bella on the couch again, with Seth by her side, gobbling down breakfast. Jake is slightly jealous that Seth has his arm around Bella, but Edward explains this is because Bella is running a slight fever and “got cold.” Bella is om-noming an omlette, with her cup of blood not far away.

Leah is out on patrol, and Jacob knows she’ll never be visiting the Cullens’ for brekkie, so he heads for the door; he’ll just go hunting with her. Carlisle stops him, however, to ask his advice. The Cullens will also need to hunt soon, but how far should they go with Sam’s pack out there? Jacob says there’s probably some risk, but he thinks Sam will be sticking close to La Push. He tells Carlizzle the vampires should go in a group, and use their speshul powers to keep watch.

Jacob almost makes it out the door, but Esme appears with a large covered dish, forcing Jacob to take it. She also tells him there’s a basket of clothes for Leah on the porch. Jake finally escapes, before the vampires force any more basic comforts on him.

Best Worst Lines

“This was the problem with hanging out with vampires — you got used to them. They started messing up the way you saw the world. They started feeling like friends.” (284)   (Gaaag.)

Things That Really Irk Us

How useless this chapter is. Let’s see, what did we learn? Oh, nothing. Jacob is still far too nice for his own good. The fetus is still killing Bella. Bella is still in luuuv with Jacob. Edward is still intruding into everybody’s thoughts. And Carlizzle and Esme are still being nurturing to the point that we want to vomit.

Final Thoughts

When does Eddie-kins rip the demon spawn out with his teeth??? THAT we want to read.

Go to Chapter 15.

7 Responses to “14. Useless”

  1. […] We’ve got two more chapters for you to wrap up the weekend — Chapter 13 and Chapter 14. Read, enjoy, and share your comments with […]

  2. wait…Alice can’t see Jacob’s future because she was never a werewolf, right? So she can’t see him or any other werewolves. But she can still see everyone else, can’t she? How does just sitting next to him make her visions go blank? Confused? Yes.

    • No idea. I mean, you’d think that him just being around the Cullens and being wrapped up in their current lives would make Alice not be able to see anything about their futures. But whatever; we’ve stopped waiting for this series to make sense.

  3. “Useless”

    I’m having some sort of trouble. is the chapter title because you boiled down the whole title to that word, or because you think the chapter is useless, or the book, or the whole series?

  4. Ah the breaking of Bella has begun. Soon now…soon…

    You know if I was Jake I’d be wondering why the vamps don’t seem to want me to leave. Guy can’t go near a door without one of them popping up.

  5. A new game for Eddie Broflovski: “Eat the baby!” – “Don’t eat the baby!” – “Eat the baby!” (And Bella, too.)

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